Wednesday, January 12, 2011

With the kids


6:30am: alarm went off
6:35am: rolled out of bed
6:35-6:36am: used profanity
6:55am: posted a stevie wonder song on facebook
7:05am: arrived at family friends house to help get the kids off to school
7:20am: fed the kids
7:30am: ate 2 small bowls of cereal and some string cheese
7:30-8am: watched some show on the disney channel (with the kids)

Happy Wednesday.

bowl #2 of cereal this morning

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Food Blog

 
Lately I've been thinking about the things I write on this blog.  Some are good.  Some are bad.  I just write, I don't have much of a filter.  Part of being a grown up is having a filter.  It's something I need to work on.  Speech is free, yes-- but I've got to be smarter about it.  Maybe.

I was thinking the other day, that I need to "tone it down" a bit on my blog, which sucks, because I think a lot of what I put out there needs to be said.  And if I can't say it on my blog, where can I?  That's one side of the argument.  The other side is that I need to be smart about what I write.  My mom tells me (often) that I shouldn't be writing half of the stuff I write on here.  I communicate through writing... it clears my head, mends my heart, makes shit meaningful and puts it context.  I suppose that is what a journal is for though.

Yesterday I thought to myself, maybe I should change ashamarie.com to a food and music blog.  Food and music can be non-political.  Well...music can be really political, but it won't get me in trouble like some of my writing will.  And food, well, access to food is political, and food itself is political...but taking pictures of food, I could do that.  

Here's the problem though.... I don't eat enough to do a food blog.  I was telling a friend about this idea, and she said "Yeah, you could post clementine and mixed nuts for lunch, granola bar and a beer for dinner, etc."  Okay, so maybe it's not that bad...but my friend thought it would be hilarious to have a food blog that wasn't extravagant like so many others are.  Makes sense to me...but we'll see.  

I went to a benefit last night for Ann Marsden at the Dakota.  If you aren't familiar with Ann's work, check her out.  She has an amazing eye, guided by a loving heart.  Anyhow...I didn't order any food, but took pictures of the food my friends ordered.  That's one way to do a food blog I suppose.  I could also start cooking more.  That might be a smarter option.  We'll see.


B's food.  Cell phone photo.

J & J's food.  Cell phone photo.

An offering.  Cell phone photo.

Q's food.  Cell phone photo.



I probably don't need to write "cell phone photo" after each picture I post.  I do that because the quality is so much poorer than with my regular camera.  But...if I start doing more food related entries, chances are I will be documenting with my cell phone quite a bit.  

Regardless, cheers to good friends and good food!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Observations


I just filled up my ice cube tray with (brita) filtered water.
I got frustrated today, because I wasn't practicing loving kindness towards myself.
That reminded me of an Alanis Morrisette song.  You know the one.
I just poured a shot of Makers Mark, with 2 ice cubes (from a bag, not the ice cube tray).
I finally got a new journal.
It's not the one I wanted, but I don't care.  It's a close second.
I've been listening to Florence and the Machine Lately.
I'm going to the Lauryn Hill concert in a couple weeks.  
I doubt she (Lauryn) is worth the money.
You only live once.
I've been fighting off a winter funk.
I can feel it trying to creep up on me.  What a creep.  
I was supposed to run a half marathon in Saint Paul on January 29.
That's crazy. 
I wrote to the race director and am getting my registration changed to the 10k.
I lost weight over the winter holiday.
I might be the only person I know who can say that.
I wish it was summer and I was fishing.
Today is January 6.  There are several months till summer.  
I need to start being more creative.
This means taking more photos.
Writing more music.
Writing more in general.
And perhaps doing some visual art.
I suck at visual art.
That's beside the point.
I want to cut my hair short.
I'm trying to wait until it's long enough to donate.
I don't like waiting.
I got a pair of dangling earrings for xmas.
I've been wearing them with a merino wool beanie.  
It works.
I want to go to more potlucks.
There's a potluck tonight.
I'm skipping it.
I might go to the pub instead.
I feel like I should write.
The kind of writing that is too close to my heart to share.
In trying to balance heart and mind, I've forgotten body and soul.


Sunday, January 2, 2011

Resolve


I don't really believe in New Year's Resolutions.  I mean, I believe in them, they exist, whatever-- but I don't feel the need to have them.  No, I think everyday is a new day, and you should try that much harder to be better (??) than the day before.  Why wait till the beginning of a new year to change bad/old habits?  

A month or so ago, I decided my "resolution" was to quit saying "I should" and start saying "I will" or "I am."  For example, rather than saying "I should go for a run today" I'd say "I am going for a run right now."  I can't say that I've stuck to this resolution-- but it's been on my mind a lot, so that's a start.  

I worked at the group home on New Years eve day.  I worked about 10 hours and after a quick stop at Big Top arrived home around 8:30pm.  What to do....what to do.  Go get fucked up with my friends?  Meh-- doesn't appeal to me this year.  Go get fucked up with a bunch of people I don't know at Costellos?  Nope-- doesn't appeal to me either. 

I ended up staying home, having a few beers by myself, listening to music and just relaxing.  I took some time to write-- reflect on the past year.  2010 was an awesome year.

  I started running, trained and completed a half marathon, started playing guitar (again), got a job as the programs manager at an amazing theatre, and made some really beautiful friendships with amazing people.  2010 is going to be a tough year to beat. 

Like I said earlier-- I don't make resolutions-- at least not for the new year.  They ought to be made and evaluated several times throughout the year.  So...it just happened that I made a list of "Things I want to do in 2011" on December 31, 2010.  The list looks like this.  

-write more music
-play/practice more music
-run more consistently
-eat more
-write more (journal, blog, poetry, etc)
-join a (sports) team
-travel more
-camp more
-take more photos
-meditate (formally) more
-do more yoga too

So...this list should be looked at, added to, revised, etc throughout the year.  That's the plan.  It shouldn't be too hard.  I think that's just part of being a mindful person.  Being aware and living intentionally. 

I had coffee with a friend this morning-- I had reached out to her to talk about death/grieving, etc... and she-- being someone who has a pretty close relationship with God-- said that each day she asks god what her will is for the day.  Now, I don't have a close relationship with God...but that doesn't mean I can't ask the question.  I can ask myself-- what is my will today?  What am I here for?  What's my purpose?  What can I do?  What should I do?  What will I do?  

There's something about leaving affirmations on post it notes that appeals to me.  The other day, in the midst of my grieving, my friend said to practice non-judgment (on myself).  "Yeah right," I thought.  But I wrote myself a note anyway, and stuck it on my computer...it's a good reminder.  

Sometimes I have the urge to leave a note for myself on the door, that says "What will you do today?" or something similar.  I went to a bookstore the other day, and almost bought a daily calendar with Dalai Lama sayings-- but then I found a crossword calendar that totally won me over.  My point is -- sans the inspirational calendar-- I need to take a moment each day to really be mindful and appreciative of this life.  We only get one-- probably.  Might as well be present for it, yeah?

Happy New Years y'all.  Wishing you a kick ass 2011, filled with meaning, laughter and growth. 


Thursday, December 30, 2010

Physically sore, Emotionally rested


As we speak (or more appropriately, as I type this), my ass is killing me.  So are my legs and arms.  Yesterday, I went cross country skiing for the first time (that I can remember).  I went with a friend who claimed she's a "novice," but 2 minutes on the trails and I could see that she was better than she led on. 

As a young person in pretty good shape, I figured I'd get the hang of things pretty quickly once I learned how to balance on skis.  This was true, sort of.  The first mile was tough, and I just kind of shuffled along.  My friend had confidence in me, saying that if I can walk-- I can ski.  Well...skiing kind of felt like walking for the first mile.  

We kept on and soon approached a small hill.  I fell half way down it, but bounced back up right away.  My friend was impressed, saying most people who fall on skis are a tangled mess and have trouble recovering.  "Must be from years of playing hockey," I thought to myself.  A while later, we came up to a big hill.  And not big like a mountain, but plenty big for me.  My friend looked like a pro, as she glided down the hill with ease.  I stood at the top, and put my arms up and out as she looked back me.  It was the "WTF am I supposed to do?" gesture.  I thought about my options (taking off the skis and walking down the hill, sitting down and and starting to cry, or saying "eff it" and just go for it).  After about 15 seconds of running through my options, I went for it.  Half way down, I biffed it.  Skis tangled, sprawled out in the middle of the trail, I laid there, and looked up at my friend.  She watched as I struggled to pick myself back up.  After a few awkward attempts, I was upright and skiing on towards her. 

"I didn't think you wanted me to watch," she said sweetly.  "I didn't," I replied.  And I'm glad she didn't watch.  I would have felt worse than I already did.  It's funny how a person can read another in that way-- she knew that I didn't want her to see me fall-- so she turned away, but didn't leave me.  That's dope.  That's true friendship.  

I brushed the snow off my body, and we skied on.  There were a couple times when we could have taken a shortcut back to the car, but I said I planned on earning the wine we left at the house as a post-ski refreshment.  This might have been a mistake.  We came up to another hill-- this one with a sharp curve to the right and a drop off to the left.  I kid you not, we stood atop the hill for 10 minutes discussing what to do next.  I was given the following options-- 1. Turn around and ski back the other way.  2. Take off our skis and walk down.  3. Go for it.  

We went for it.  Actually, we let a few folks go ahead of us.  We listened for screams or crashing sounds, but heard none.  My friend went first, and said she would likely scream, squeal, or do both.  Off she went-- and stayed silent.  I stood there, wishing I hadn't come skiing, wishing I was better at it, or that I really could just take off my skis and walk down the hill.  I'm too stubborn for that though-- I'm too proud.  

I took one big deep breath, and down I went.  I went around the corner, and guess what?  It wasn't a steep-plummet-to-my-death kind of hill.  It was a decent incline however, and get this-- I didn't fall.  I smiled when I reached my friend.  "You did it!" she shouted.  To most anyone else, this may have seemed a menial feat, but to me it was important.  I tried something new, was honestly quite scared, faced it head on...and oh yeah-- I ended up being just fine.  

I had a beautiful day yesterday-- took the day off work (I can do that, because I'm part time until Monday), went outside of the city, didn't once look at my cell phone or email, spent some time outside, got my heart rate up, and had really meaningful conversation.  I think it's important to make time to do these kinds of things.  I get burned out easily, but something as simple as an afternoon of skiing, and dang I really feel rested.  I feel emotionally rejuvenated.  I feel good, because I overcame a challenge. 

I really can't say if I will go cross country skiing again anytime soon.  I think I should, but I'm not going to lie-- it's frustrating to not be good at it.  Granted, I got better as the afternoon went on-- but still, there's no biathlon in my near future.  The company was good (my friend did a nice job of supporting me, but not making me feel terrible when I wiped out or couldn't keep up).  The weather was awesome (mid thirties).  And overall, the workout was pretty good-- like I said at the beginning of this post- my booty, legs and arms are all quite sore.  That's a good thing though, because through it all, I came home emotionally rested and rejuvenated.  It's amazing what a day playing hooky can do for the soul.

Lastly, I should note that I thought about bringing my camera on our adventure, but figured I would wipe out a few times, and it wasn't worth risking a thousand dollars worth of equipment to get "the perfect shot."  I'm glad I chose to leave the camera behind-- had I not, I would likely still be on the trail collecting pieces of my Nikon off the ground. 

Monday, December 27, 2010

#lifecanbebeautiful


I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the people in my life who are no longer alive--here--with me now.  If you've been reading this blog the last couple of days, you know this.  If you have seen my sad face the last couple of days, you know this.

I got an e-mail this morning, asking what I was up to, other than "thinking a little too much about people."  Ouch....but point taken.  

I have a 7 minute walk to and from work each day.  I wear headphones on these walks...usually.  As I was walking home today, I started thinking about how lucky I am to know the people I do.  I really have been blessed with a diverse, eclectic, intelligent, and loving group of people over the years.  I've been really fortunate, and it's something I feel I should acknowledge. 

It's easy to get caught up in sadness (no matter how temporary it is).  It's easy to take for granted the people who are in my life now.  I'm 26 years old, and have crossed paths, joined paths, and created paths with so many inspiring and beautiful people.  I'm 26 years old-- and knock on wood-- have plenty of years left ahead of me.  I'm excited for my future.  I'm excited for all the people I am going to meet in coming years.  

My friend Tim just called-- I play cribbage with him on the occasional monday.  I've skipped the last several weeks, but felt tonight I should go.... I used to play cribbage with my grampa, and "flinch" with my gramma.  A cribbage tournament at a dive bar seems like the perfect way to celebrate my love for them. 

Lastly, here is a picture I took this morning (my gramma's anniversary).  I'm wearing her hat and bracelet.  You can't see it, but my grampa's pajamma shirt is under my sweatshirt.  It made today seem less lonely. 

Life can be beautiful-- if you're open to it.

December 27, 2010.  Happy anniversary gramma!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Unconventional


I went for a 5 mile run yesterday, to clear my head. It didn't work. I came home-- mind racing, heart hurting.

I went for a 3 mile run today, to clear my head. It didn't work. I came home-- mind racing, heart hurting.

My heart hurts because I miss my grampa. My heart hurts because it's the holidays, and I feel so alone without him. Even when I'm with my family, I feel alone. That hurts.

I realized on my run today, that I am trying to "fix" something unconventional (missing my grampa) with something conventional (running). It doesn't work like that. I mean sure, eating well, running often and putting my emotions into words on paper-- all great things, but they aren't going to "solve" this problem of my grampa being gone. I think I was hoping they would.

I want a quick fix--or even a long term fix, but one that I know is going to work, one that is logical. Unfortunately, that's not the way grief works. Not even close. Grief doesn't fit into a box. It doesn't have a specific sequence of steps you follow to solve the problem. No. Grief comes whenever it wants, and leaves whenever it wants. It can be absent for years-- only to rear its ugly head when you least expect it. On the flip side, it can haunt you everyday of your life.

My grief comes during the same time Santa does his rounds. And so here it is, December 26th, and I'm in the middle of it. And guess what? It fucking sucks. It's ruined my appetite, messed up my sleep, made me cry and left me mad. The thing that is different about this time than other times in my life, is that I know this is only temporary. It's somewhat of a blessing to know that this will pass-- it has to. 2010 was an awesome year for me. I have very few complaints, and so much to be thankful for. I can't afford to forget that.

So yeah.... I need to quit trying to solve unconventional problems (i.e. emotional ones) with conventional order. The heart is going to do what it wants... and trying to make sense of it in a logical way isn't working. I don't know what plan b is just yet... but I think acknowledging my feelings as they are is a good place to start. We'll see how this coming week pans out. I want to stay busy, do positive things, and be around good people. It shouldn't be hard, if I make the effort.

Oh, I should mention that I have 1.5 pages left in my journal, and haven't gotten a new one yet. Had I a new one, this blog post probably wouldn't exist.

-a.