Every Year...

Every year, around this time, I get super reflective about my life.  Why?  Because my birthday is coming up.  I'm hard on myself.  Probably too hard.  Okay....yes, of course I am too hard on myself.  My point is, the weeks leading up to my birthday, I spend a lot of time (in my head) reflecting on what I have done with my life.  What have I done the past year?  I suppose I do this around the end of the calendar year too, and in July for my anniversary of coming to America.

So...here we are in February.  Year 28 is just around the corner.  Year 27 was a tough one.  I'm ready to catch a break...and by catch, I mean, I'm ready for some consistently good shit to happen to me, and I understand that I need to take the steps to make that happen.

I've been meaning to write for a while, but haven't made the time.  I certainly have the time...and the thoughts... I just haven't written much.  I don't know why.  I guess it doesn't matter. 

Hockey is going well...for my team.  I haven't been able to skate much, because my shoulder is totally effed.  I'm hoping to play a few games next weekend...we shall see.  It's stupid to keep pushing when I know I need rest (and probably surgery), but it's hard for me to sit on the side and watch. 

I miss my grampa.  I feel like grief goes in a circle....meaning, sometimes it's really prevalent and hard and draining, but then it goes away for a while, and then it comes back.  Well...today, it's back.  On my way to (watch) hockey this morning, I got to thinking about how I want to visit his grave.  But then I thought that seemed a bit morbid, so maybe I'd hit up his library instead.  I used to go there and study when I was taking classes at the U.  It was a good place for me to be, because if I was screwing around (i.e. doing a crossword puzzle instead of my school work), I felt like he'd know. 

I miss my mom and sister too.  Mom is 3 miles away.  I could make a better effort to see her.  Sister is about 400 miles away, but is coming to town in a week.  I'm excited to see her. 

I was talking with a friend recently who "recharges" with time alone.  As I showered today, I started thinking about all the stuff on my calender this week.  I like my alone time, don't get me wrong, but I also feel like I get such good energy when I'm around folks/friends/people in general.  It's trying to find that balance that is hard... I've not been sleeping more than about 5 hours a night...and it's taking it's toll.  Maybe year 28 will be about balance.  Maybe 28 will be about finding a career, finishing school, settling down a bit, strengthening my foundation.  On my run today, my running buddy said "Maybe 28 will be your best year yet."  I sure hope so...

I said a while ago that I've had this weird feeling that I wouldn't live to see my 28th birthday.  I really (really) hope that is not the case.  (And again...because I've typed it now twice... I think I'm okay....cuz for real, how crazy would that be if it actually manifested?)

I've got 10 days till I'm 28.  Better make the most of it!  I know I say it all the time...but the formula is so simple.... Sleep well, eat enough, exercise hard, study hard, work hard, play hard, and don't go overboard on the beer drinking.  Easy enough.  Really. 

Lastly...stay tuned for details about the 7th (?) Annual Celebration of Winter happening on February 19th in Saint Paul.  It's gonna be great.  E-mails/phone calls/door knocking will commence soon!

Happy winter, everyone.  I hope those who read this are happy, healthy, and grateful....cuz even when life seems to suck... there's always a little ray of light shining...somewhere. 

#lifecanbebeautiful

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the people in my life who are no longer alive--here--with me now.  If you've been reading this blog the last couple of days, you know this.  If you have seen my sad face the last couple of days, you know this.

I got an e-mail this morning, asking what I was up to, other than "thinking a little too much about people."  Ouch....but point taken.  

I have a 7 minute walk to and from work each day.  I wear headphones on these walks...usually.  As I was walking home today, I started thinking about how lucky I am to know the people I do.  I really have been blessed with a diverse, eclectic, intelligent, and loving group of people over the years.  I've been really fortunate, and it's something I feel I should acknowledge. 

It's easy to get caught up in sadness (no matter how temporary it is).  It's easy to take for granted the people who are in my life now.  I'm 26 years old, and have crossed paths, joined paths, and created paths with so many inspiring and beautiful people.  I'm 26 years old-- and knock on wood-- have plenty of years left ahead of me.  I'm excited for my future.  I'm excited for all the people I am going to meet in coming years.  

My friend Tim just called-- I play cribbage with him on the occasional monday.  I've skipped the last several weeks, but felt tonight I should go.... I used to play cribbage with my grampa, and "flinch" with my gramma.  A cribbage tournament at a dive bar seems like the perfect way to celebrate my love for them. 

Lastly, here is a picture I took this morning (my gramma's anniversary).  I'm wearing her hat and bracelet.  You can't see it, but my grampa's pajamma shirt is under my sweatshirt.  It made today seem less lonely. 

Life can be beautiful-- if you're open to it.

December 27, 2010.  Happy anniversary gramma!

Unconventional

I went for a 5 mile run yesterday, to clear my head. It didn't work. I came home-- mind racing, heart hurting.

I went for a 3 mile run today, to clear my head. It didn't work. I came home-- mind racing, heart hurting.

My heart hurts because I miss my grampa. My heart hurts because it's the holidays, and I feel so alone without him. Even when I'm with my family, I feel alone. That hurts.

I realized on my run today, that I am trying to "fix" something unconventional (missing my grampa) with something conventional (running). It doesn't work like that. I mean sure, eating well, running often and putting my emotions into words on paper-- all great things, but they aren't going to "solve" this problem of my grampa being gone. I think I was hoping they would.

I want a quick fix--or even a long term fix, but one that I know is going to work, one that is logical. Unfortunately, that's not the way grief works. Not even close. Grief doesn't fit into a box. It doesn't have a specific sequence of steps you follow to solve the problem. No. Grief comes whenever it wants, and leaves whenever it wants. It can be absent for years-- only to rear its ugly head when you least expect it. On the flip side, it can haunt you everyday of your life.

My grief comes during the same time Santa does his rounds. And so here it is, December 26th, and I'm in the middle of it. And guess what? It fucking sucks. It's ruined my appetite, messed up my sleep, made me cry and left me mad. The thing that is different about this time than other times in my life, is that I know this is only temporary. It's somewhat of a blessing to know that this will pass-- it has to. 2010 was an awesome year for me. I have very few complaints, and so much to be thankful for. I can't afford to forget that.

So yeah.... I need to quit trying to solve unconventional problems (i.e. emotional ones) with conventional order. The heart is going to do what it wants... and trying to make sense of it in a logical way isn't working. I don't know what plan b is just yet... but I think acknowledging my feelings as they are is a good place to start. We'll see how this coming week pans out. I want to stay busy, do positive things, and be around good people. It shouldn't be hard, if I make the effort.

Oh, I should mention that I have 1.5 pages left in my journal, and haven't gotten a new one yet. Had I a new one, this blog post probably wouldn't exist.

-a.