Sunday, December 26, 2010

Unconventional


I went for a 5 mile run yesterday, to clear my head. It didn't work. I came home-- mind racing, heart hurting.

I went for a 3 mile run today, to clear my head. It didn't work. I came home-- mind racing, heart hurting.

My heart hurts because I miss my grampa. My heart hurts because it's the holidays, and I feel so alone without him. Even when I'm with my family, I feel alone. That hurts.

I realized on my run today, that I am trying to "fix" something unconventional (missing my grampa) with something conventional (running). It doesn't work like that. I mean sure, eating well, running often and putting my emotions into words on paper-- all great things, but they aren't going to "solve" this problem of my grampa being gone. I think I was hoping they would.

I want a quick fix--or even a long term fix, but one that I know is going to work, one that is logical. Unfortunately, that's not the way grief works. Not even close. Grief doesn't fit into a box. It doesn't have a specific sequence of steps you follow to solve the problem. No. Grief comes whenever it wants, and leaves whenever it wants. It can be absent for years-- only to rear its ugly head when you least expect it. On the flip side, it can haunt you everyday of your life.

My grief comes during the same time Santa does his rounds. And so here it is, December 26th, and I'm in the middle of it. And guess what? It fucking sucks. It's ruined my appetite, messed up my sleep, made me cry and left me mad. The thing that is different about this time than other times in my life, is that I know this is only temporary. It's somewhat of a blessing to know that this will pass-- it has to. 2010 was an awesome year for me. I have very few complaints, and so much to be thankful for. I can't afford to forget that.

So yeah.... I need to quit trying to solve unconventional problems (i.e. emotional ones) with conventional order. The heart is going to do what it wants... and trying to make sense of it in a logical way isn't working. I don't know what plan b is just yet... but I think acknowledging my feelings as they are is a good place to start. We'll see how this coming week pans out. I want to stay busy, do positive things, and be around good people. It shouldn't be hard, if I make the effort.

Oh, I should mention that I have 1.5 pages left in my journal, and haven't gotten a new one yet. Had I a new one, this blog post probably wouldn't exist.

-a.

2 comments:

Greg said...

The fact that you see it as different this time around is really important.

Grief may be like an overbearing acquaintance ... it comes and goes when it wants ... but it is your crib even if the lock is broken more often than not.

Getting a new fresh clean journal is a nice place to start. Today, tomorrow, maybe you should wanter the shops in search of one!

Lizz Thao said...

Hey Asha-

Take your own time with your grief. Like many things in life, take it at your own personal pace because you are your own person. But do be aware that (I'm sure you are aware, in fact) that you cannot lose yourself in the process.

I find the most beautiful part of grief is that inevitable comfort you find in all the joyous and loving moments you remember with your special person. Feel blessed you had any time at all with that person. Feel blessed that you had love deep enough to feel grief this long still afterwards.

I know you're strong. Keep that head up. Happy holidays.

Much love.
-Lizz