That Gut-Checking-Midwestern-Woman

Occasionally, I'm out and about and see a woman who I get that "feeling in the gut."  There can be 2 kinds of feelings.... one is a "Oooh damn, she's hot."  The other is, "Ohhh damn, she's sweet."  Now, a note to the hot women who are also sweet...I'm not saying you can't have one and not the other...just stick with me on this.

There's a certain woman who gives me that feeling of innocence, of good intent, of "man, she's worked hard and has this innocent look to her, or this very intentional look" or something like that.  I can't really explain it.  It's this feeling in me that I get, of this woman is doing her best...I should really be doing my best. 

In my head, and I guess in my experience, she's a middle age (in her 60's) white lady who might be a bit on the round side, and she does cute shit like wear socks with sandals (which if you're my age...not so cute....when you're middle age, kinda cute).  She's the lady that when you look at her, she just looks like she has some really good intentions.

Note to my brown and black people...I'm not saying that I don't get this same gut-check-innocent feeling around brown and black women....cuz I do.  But this blog I guess is more specific to white women, maybe.  (don't hate...i'm calling it as i'm feeling it at this moment).  

Anyhow, it's like when I see this woman (who can appear in many ways), I don't know exactly what happens.  I think part of me misses my gramma, and part of me misses my mom.  It makes me think of the things I do in my life, the good and the bad.  It makes me want to try harder, not get angry, not get sad, etc.  It makes me want to be happy...like they are.  <-- Are they really happy?  I don't know.

I wanted to post a picture of the person I am describing, but there is no one person...so I did what anyone in my shoes would do.  I went to the online Lane Bryant catalog.  I know white women from the midwest who shop at Lane Bryant...and that's the women I'm talking about (who give me that feeling that I need to quit messing around and really get my life together).  But, to very little surprise, the Lane Bryant ladies didn't capture the image I was looking for.

Lane Bryant

So then I get a little more honest in my google search.  Show me.... "Middle Aged Fat White Lady With Short Hair" which got me to this, which is also not the look I was going for. 

Google Image Search has let me down

One last try... "Midwestern Typical Mom Short Hair."  The first photo that popped up was Laura Bush.  Sorry, but she is definitely not the woman who I'm talking about in this situation.

I don't know why pink Rollberblades are on here

I think the reason that this feeling arises for me when I see (some) middle age, Midwestern, sort of round, socks with sandals, adorned in Lane Bryant outfits... is because it reminds me of my mom and my gramma, two woman who I love, respect and admire so greatly. 

I'm in tears now as I write this, because I can see my mom and her friends initially getting tense as I stereotype a group of (round-white) women.... but in this instance, it's out of love.  When I see people who look like my mom, or who remind me of my gramma...it makes me think of all the bullshit I put them through when I was a kid, and how I wish I could take those things back, and could have been the perfect kid growing up (...like my sister).  But...for better or for worse, I am who I am. 

I was out with my friend Heidi on Sunday, and we were talking about relationships (friendly ones, broken ones, intimate ones, etc), and she said to me, "It's harder to be who you're not."  

My friend is right...it is indeed harder to be someone you are not.  I am me.  I can't change or fix the past, but I certainly can learn from my mistakes and the pain I've caused not only myself but the people that I love.  

As I move forward from here, I wonder what it is that is going to be the true change maker.  I wait and wait and wait for something BIG to happen, something life changing.  I don't need to wait.  I need to act.

I want to thank you (whoever you are) for reading this post.  It didn't go the direction I thought it would, but I appreciate being able to put my words and energy out into the world for people to know the real me.  For better or for worse... thank you for letting me be me.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

Lets hope, huh?

So...it's May 1st today.  It's weird to think that four months have already happened this year.  And minus getting a new job, and meeting some cool people, this year has kind of sucked.

I've been listening to a lot of new music lately....on one playlist...on repeat.  Go figure.  The last week or so, it's been a lot of female pop/rock artists singing "fuck you, i'm a strong woman, i don't need you" kind of stuff.  Like this song... that I am not ashamed to say... I like the video...makes me want to fist pump and dance in the streets.

 

Oh, and there's also this song....which seems all too fucking real sometimes...which reminds me, I want to write a blog about abandonment-- by friends, lovers, mothers, etc.  I don't have it in me tonight...but hopefully sometime soon.

Like I said, today is May 1st.  Time for a good month.  I'm ready for one.  This month is dedicated to getting my ass back on track, in terms of school, working out, and living life as it should be.  

Oh, and as far as my music goes...if you happen to be on spotify, and have cool playlists, let me know?  I'm always looking to expand my music listening experience.  That....and I think learning what people listen to is a super intimate and beautiful way to know someone.

30 Day of Biking Completed!

I did it.  I said.... I DID IT!!  I set out to ride my bike every day in the month of April, and get this....I did it.  Feels kind of good.  It was much less of a physical challenge than it sounds (as some days, I merely rode around the block).  It was however a challenge and test of discipline and time management.  I like challenges like this.... ones that are doable, but can be a true test of creativity and imagination as well.  I didn't write on my blog for about a month, because I felt like I couldn't write without posting photos, but I didn't want to post only some of the bike photos.  So...here they are...all 30 photos of my bike this month.

Day 1 - Fueled by Spontaneity

Day 2 - Fueled by Jameson

Day 3 - Fueled by Friends

Day 4 - Fueled by a Busy Schedule

Day 5 - Fueled by Dreams of Justice

Day 6 - Fueled by Momentum

Day 7 - Fueled by History

Day 8 - Fueled by Desperation

Day 9 - Fueled by Mega Churches in Suburbs

Day 10 - Fueled by Nordeast

Day 11 - Fueled by Extra Innings

Day 12 - Fueled by Pessimism

Day 13 - Fueled by Separation

Day 14 - Fueled by 94.

Day 15 - Fueled by Irritating Commitment and Guilt

Day 16 - Fueled by Vegetarians

Day 17 - Fueled by Memories

Day 18 - Fueled by Tacos

Day 19 - Fueled by Being Different

Day 20 - Fueled by Pedal Pubs for One

Day 21 - Fueled by Rain Delays

Day 22 - Fueled by Earth Day + Clean Air

Day 23 - Fueled by Lost Childhoods

Day 24 - Fueled by Blue Skies

Day 25 - Fueled by Jesus

Day 26 - Fueled by Emptiness

Day 27 - Fueled by Life

Day 28 - Fueled by Deadlines

Day 29 - Fueled by Small Worlds

Day 30 - Fueled by 30 Days of Biking Completed!!

30 Days of Biking

There's this online challenge to ride your bike everyday in the month of April.  I've decided to do it.  You can find out more HERE.

The idea is to ride everyday, and distance doesn't matter.  The part I don't really understand is how you report it.  The instructions say to share it online...but does that mean a quick one liner about where I went?  Or a photo?  Or a big long detailed story?  I'm not sure... 

Yesterday, I went on a ride with my friend G.  We rode to the river and sat by Tony's rock, talking about life, women, men, school, etc.  It was a beautiful day, with a beautiful friend.  I'm not sure if I'll blog about my rides everyday, but the plan is definitely to get on my bike everyday.  We'll see how it goes!

April 1, 2012.  Day 1 of the bike challenge. 

0.03 Percent Update

I spoke with a (teacher) friend about my most recent blog post.  "Do you think I'm a jerk?" I asked her.  She said no.  I asked what she would have done if in my shoes...

I would have said "Well, we better get you signed up for a lot of basketball teams then, because it's going to take a lot of practice to play pro basketball," she told me.  She also told me that to be an "expert" at anything, research says it takes about 20,000 hours of practice.  Wow.  That's a lot of practice.

I saw the kid a few days later, walking with his peers.  "Hey," I hollered out.  "I found the statistics on playing professional basketball."  He and his friends stopped to listen.  "0.03 percent," I told him.  His friends laughed.  "That's less than 1 percent, dude, so it's gonna take some work.  If you're not already, you may want to sign up for a couple of basketball teams, and start thinking about when you can practice.  It takes 20,000 hours to become an expert at something, so consider how you might manage your time.  It may mean working out before school, going to school, doing homework, and then practicing for an additional 3-4 hours."  

"Daaaayum," his friends said, "that's a lot of practice."  "It is, but if you want to play pro ball, you gotta put in the work.  And I'm happy to support you as best I can...you just have to let me know what you need from me."  "Cool," he said, and walked down the hall with his friends.  "20,000 hours, damn bro, you got hella work to do," his friend yelled out.  

I felt okay about this conversation.... I didn't crush the dudes dreams.  I offered a few suggestions, and my support.  That's about all I really can do.  It will be interesting to see what he does in the future.  I wish him all the best.  (<-- and not in the "save the children" kind of way, but in that I hope he follows his dreams and feels supported and cared for). He deserves it. 

0.03 Percent

I walked into a classroom the other day, and there wasn't much going on. 

I sat down and talked to a few kids, who were listening to music or playing on their phones.

"What do you want to be when you grow up" I asked, feeling kind of salty for raising such a generic question.

"A Physical Therapist" one kid said.  "Eeeew," giggled a few.  "You know they have to go 'down there.'"  I assumed "down there" meant penises and vagina's, so I reassured them that Physical Therapy doesn't really have a whole lot to do with below the belt.  (My guess is they were thinking of the physical exams they get which often time include a pap smear, etc).  

"What do you want to be," I asked a kind of roundish (i.e. overweight) young man, slouched in his chair, one headphone in.  "A basketball player," he said, with an uninterested/i-really-don't-give-a-fuck look.

I took a deep breath, because I knew I needed to proceed carefully.  

My first thought was to say, "If I had a dollar for every young black male who told me he wanted to be a professional athlete, I'd have quite a bit of money.... but if I had a dollar for every young black male who told me that AND lived to see/make it happen, I'd be broke." 

"Okay," I said.  "I want you to get online and look up what is the likeliness of that (playing pro ball) actually happening."  I thought if he did the research, maybe he could come to the conclusion that he may want to have a back up plan (i.e. an education, etc).  

I checked in with him a few days later, and he said he couldn't find an answer, and that he looked with his teacher too.  Apparently all they found was final four basketball bracket statistics.  I was impressed that he took the time to look, but disappointed he didn't find an answer.

Upon doing a very quick google search this morning, I came across a probability chart.  If this young man makes it to his senior year of high school and is playing ball, he has (assuming he's good) a 0.03% chance of playing professionally.

According to the Parents United for Public Schools Website, 36 % of African American males in Minnesota  (like the one who told me he wants to be a pro basketball player) will graduate high school.  I'm not as good at math as I used to be, but wouldn't then his 0.03% chance of playing ball be even less, because that number is assuming he makes it through high school. 

I want to have a conversation with this young man, and I'm not sure how to do it.  The odds are not in his favor.  Most, if not all of his teachers are white.  As an Indian female, I don't know how much my words will mean to him either, because I am not in his shoes.  I never have been, nor will I ever pretend to be.

I wish all the best for this young man, who will likely go somewhere if he is challenged in a positive way, and supported by his community (i.e. family, teachers, peers, coaches, etc).  I think it's okay to show him the website with the statistics...and from there, I selfishly hope he makes the choice to really look at his future and take the steps to make it meaningful for him.  

In an age where young black males are targeted, gunned down, and left behind in the classroom, I feel it's important to continue the conversation about education, racism, opportunity and achievement gaps.... but in doing so, making sure that the voices of those who are most affected are leading the conversations.  

I'm left wondering how I can help ensure that is happening, or if that's even what should be done?  

Meanwhile, I'm in my own set of shoes, fighting my own race/gender/sexuality/economic/educational battles...

Wearing a hoodie in honor, remembrance, and hope for Trayvon Martin and the future.  03.21.2012. 

What Today Looked Like

Most weeks, I try to make a list of goals.  Usually...I fall a bit short of reaching them, but still, I start with good intentions.  

These are this weeks goals (as posted on facebook yesterday morning):

1. workout/run 5 times
2. do some kind of ab/core workout 6 times
3. meditate twice
4. write/journal everyday
5. eat well (3 meals + snacks)
6. have a conversation with a stranger
6a. make them laugh
7. sign up for a race happening between now and june 16

Here's an update on the progress:

1. Took yesterday off, but had an awesome 5.5 mile run tonight after work.

2.  Did an ab workout after my run tonight.... but the yoga mat I was laying on had little shards of glass in it.  Ouch!

3. I suppose running doesn't count...although it could.

4. Wrote yesterday.  Will do again tonight.

5. The fish I planned to eat tonight...went bad.  Shoot!  I did get lots of protein throughout the day though.

6. Not yet, but was kinda chummy with one of the teachers at school.  Ha!

6a. Smiled and waved at everyone I ran past tonight.  Got lots of smiles in return.  It was nice.

7. Sure did!  I just registered for the Get in Gear 10k.

Not a bad day.... in fact, it was pretty rad.  Work was good, got to talk to a lot of kids, had a great meeting, a kick ass run, and a failed dinner.  

This morning, I decided that I wanted to be really intentional with my day, and I did that by being compassionate and patient with everyone that I interacted with.  I realized last night, when my sister was harping on my ass...that we really don't know what a person is going through at any given moment.  When someone is a jerk to you at the store or on the road...perhaps their friend just died, or they just got dumped, or just failed an exam.  You never know, unless you ask.  

I was kind of annoying on my run tonight, waving kinda goofy like at all these runners I crossed paths with.  But I took it on as a challenge.  How many people can ignore me/not smile, when I have an open heart, a big smile, a wave, and good intentions?  Not very many.

It's interesting how the day can really change just by being intentional.  Little decisions, like swapping whiskey for water, or going for my run tonight despite not having a buddy to run with...those small choices made for a great day. 

Here's to many more days filled with intention, smiles, hard work, and love...