Things to Know Before Surgery

Advice to my friends dad, and anyone else having shoulder/elbow surgery:

1. You likely won't be able to put a shirt on over your head for a while.  Have lots of button ups.  Get new ones if you need, especially as the weather is cold these days.

1a.  I wore a lot of halter dresses, which was nice, because I didn't have to move my arm hardly at all to get them on.  I'm guessing halter dresses may not be abundant in your wardrobe, so consider throwing a bathrobe on.

2. It's a biatch to put socks on one handed.  Stick with slippers.

3. Invest in a few pairs of sweatpants.  Doing zippers and buttons is tricky with one hand, and can get you frustrated easily.

4. Get a winter jacket big enough you can just throw it over your arm on one side.  Ideally you'd be able to zip it up if it's cold outside.

5. Eat a TON of fiber, drink prune juice, take colace or miralax.  High dosages of pain meds can constipate you big time.  It's horrible.  I had a 100+ dollar plumber bill after my surgery.  :(

6. Get N/A beer.  You'll want a beer after surgery (within a few days), but the alcohol could really mess you up. Trust me on this...you'll want things to be "normal" but they aren't.... having something "familiar" that won't kill you will help. 

 7. Talk to your wife and kids.  Ask them for help.  Ask your friends too.

8. Find other people to support your main caretaker.  He or she will likely need a break.  Taking care of someone who is super fragile is scary and easily overwhelming.

9. Say thank you.

10. Don't push too hard.  It's easy (if you're like me) to think you can climb up on the kitchen counter to get something on the top shelf, or drive to work 4 days after surgery, or mop up a toilet disaster and carry 30+ pounds of soaked bath towels to the laundry room.  You can't.  Don't try.  It will just slow down your recovery.

11. Ask for your friend for movie/music recommendations.

12. Buy your wife something nice ahead of time-- like a massage.  Schedule it for 2-3 days after your surgery.  It will make you both happy. 

13.  You may be heavily drugged for the first couple of days.  I don't think I was actually "awake" much during the first 48 hours.  I definitely wasn't coherent. 

14. Like I said last week, make sure you keep up with your meds from the start.  Playing "catch up" is not good, nor easy, or even possible sometimes.  Take the full dose they tell you, and make sure to write it down.  12 hours in , you might be high as a kite and won't remember the last time you took meds.  Having it recorded is really important.

15. If you have to take meds every 2-4 hours, make sure you have whoever is waking you up to give you your pills has someone replace them after 24 hours so they get a break.   Being short on sleep can make even the nicest person cranky.  It's a good way to help take care of your caretaker.

16.  Heal up!  It takes time, but really, if you rush it, it won't help.  It will only hurt more.  Patience is important here.

17. Speaking of patience.... the whole nurse/patient role play can be fun...really fun...just make sure to be careful.

18. Have some meals planned and frozen ahead of time.  That way, if no one wants to cook for you, or you get hungry and no one is around, you can quickly make something that you know tastes good.

19. If you have to wear a sling, have your partner try to immobilize their arm for an afternoon.  I had mine wear my immobilizer one afternoon, and she didn't last 20 minutes.  I think it helped us both for her to see what my life was going to be like for the next several weeks.

19a.  Addendum.  This isn't exactly accurate (sorry, I was in a hurry to meet a friend for Pho, and I kept thinking of things to add to the list).  My partner did wear my immobilizer for 20 minutes, and she did last, with only minimal complaints.  It was meaningful to me that she put herself in my shoes (err...my sling) to see what my experience was like. 

20. If your arm does have to be immobilized, get corn starch to put under your armpit.  I didn't at first, and it got rubbed raw.  It was gross, and painful.  

21. Be vulnerable.  Let someone take care of you.  It's good for the both of you.

22.  Before surgery, have a lot of fun.  Be romantic.  And adventurous.  Also though, do whatever chores/errands you can to help the house, because you'll be chore-free for quite a while after that. 

 23.  Best of luck!!  Holler if you need anything from me.  I'm happy to help!

A Letter to my Conservative Friends -- All 4 of you

Dear super conservative/religious friends (there are 4 of you I can think of off hand), 

The election is in 2 days, and I know you will vote yes to keep the definition of marriage between a woman and a man.  If you voted no, it wouldn't affect you.  In fact, it wouldn't affect me much either, not yet anyway.  

I don't anticipate change your "yes vote" to a "no vote," but I want you to hear me out.

These are the things I have learned from you in the last 28 years:

1. Jesus is an important dude.  He is your number one.

2. We may disagree on politics, but I've never doubted your love for me.

3. You've accepted me for me.

3a. at least on the surface.

4. We should love everyone.  Jesus did.  

5. Family is the second most important thing (behind God).

3 of the 4 of you (my conservative friends) are married to opposite sex partners.  I've never been married, so I have a few questions for you:

1. What do you love most about your partner?

2. When did you know you were in love and that this person was your soulmate?

3. Why did you decide to get married?  

4. What makes your marriage work?  

5. What's the best thing about your marriage?

For the naysayers or those who don't "get it" when I talk about why the marriage amendment is important to me, consider this:

1. What if someone told you that you couldn't marry the person you love?

2. What if everywhere you went, there were billboards, yard signs, television and radio ads, and people telling you that the way you love is wrong, a sin, gross, or not as equal love to theirs?

2a. Or lets say even less blatant things... such as the constant reminders of the normalcy of heterosexual relationships.  (i.e. "his and hers" everything).

3. Have you ever been scared to hold the hand of your partner in public?

4. Have you ever been scared to talk about your partner at work, because if you out yourself, you have no idea how people will react or treat you differently?

5. Have you ever been harassed by someone (a stranger, an acquaintance, a family member) when you were with your partner?

Here is why I am voting no:

1. Because I was taught (by you, by my mom, by school, and by society) that everyone is equal. 

1a. I realize that not every is treated equally, but that doesn't mean we are not equal.

2. Because someday, I want to experience the happiness of standing up in front of my family and friends marrying the person that I love -- just like you did or will do one day.

3. Because I want to have a family- you know- a beautiful wife and kids.  If one of us gets hurt, I want the other to be able to make medical decisions.  

4. Because I want my kids to know that they will grow up in a loving household, with two hot moms,  in a community that does not and never did discriminate.

I've been wanting to do more for the "Vote No" campaign, but I'm terrified.  I fear that I am not strong enough to call random people and ask them to please not limit my freedom to marry.  I worry that I will cry as I feel my heart break to hear someone who's never met me-- tell me that my love isn't valid enough to be called marriage.  

You taught me those basic rules-- treat others how you want to be treated-- don't lie-- do your best-- and so on.  You've taught me the power of God and how important He is to you.  You've taught me the importance of loving one another and the blessing of community and family.

I want that love, that community and that family.  I have that, from a lot of people, but it wrenches at my heart that I don't have it from you.  I cry as I write this, because I think about how much I love each of you, and how yes, we can disagree from time to time... but this time, it's personal.  I feel like when you vote yes on Tuesday, you're telling me that you don't support me and my right to be happy and be in love like you have been.  It hurts so bad.  I wish it wasn't true.  

All my love,

asha.

Allergies

Most days, I have stomach aches.  They are more uncomfortable than painful, but I will say that after feeling like crap days on end...it can take it's emotional toll.

Yesterday I took some enzymes at lunch.  I went to an apple orchard afterwords and wasn't feeling well.  I sat outside for a bit, and when it was time to go, I was super itchy!  My legs, my arms, my back, my head, everywhere itched!  When I got home (to the lodge), I stripped and was still itchy.  The only thing that provided some relief, was a shower with tea tree oil soap and some lotion. 

At dinner, the same person who gave me enzymes asked how they worked.  "It made me itchy" I told her.  Not quite the reaction she was prepared for.  I took some again at dinner to see if it was indeed these pills I was having an allergic reaction.

Last night, I had one of the best dinners I've ever had...and at 26 dollars, it needed to be good.  I had lobster bisque soup, followed by the best seafood pasta I've ever had.  I took the enzymes, and again, a few hours later was itchy all over my body!

I took a picture of the enzymes bottle (label) in case someone on the internet reads this and can tell me what may have caused the reaction.  I've never been allergic to anything, my whole life!  When I go to the doctors office and they say, "Are you allergic to anything?" I reply with "I'm allergic to bullshit."  

I'm hoping to figure out something about these stomach aches, but I now know that taking enzymes is not the right answer for me.  

Rebounds

Little kids rebound better than Rebekah Bronson.

I'm hanging out with two little ones this weekend and its amazing to me that at one moment they are sad/crying/being kids...and within 30 seconds they can be happy/smiling/on top of the world!

In this way, I wish I were like a little kid. I wish I was able to forgive easier, and get over bad moods faster.

We can learn a lot from kids. We can learn what it's like to do as you want without embarrassment. We can learn to cry and giggle within 30 seconds. We can learn to ask the questions that grown ups are too passive or scared to ask.

Tomorrow I'm going to try and start embracing more of these playful and free-spirited expressions and ways of living.

17 minutes.

I have 17 minutes till I can post this blog for it to count for today.  Went on a haunted pub crawl... Quote of the night  from a 48 year old lady on the pub crawl bus--- "don't drive too fast, we're playing quarters on the floor."

Keeping it real.   Will write more tomorrow.  Lots to tell.

Type A

I like to classify my sister and my ladyfriend as "Type A" people.  Me... I'm more "relaxed, I just go with the flow."  Hmmm... or am I?

I don't go to sleep at the same time each night (unless "late" is a time), nor do I wake up at the same time.  Sometimes I sleep in pajamas, other times my clothes, and when I'm feeling hot (which could mean several things)... I'll sleep in my birthday suit.

Aside from the regular stuff like teeth brushing, there are a few things I must do before I go to sleep each night.  I will say that there's no "order" for these things, but still, they are adding up and sometimes can feel like more of a nuisance than anything.

Before I go to bed each night I must:

1. Do physical therapy.  I'm usually so tired by this point that I try and talk myself out of it, and occasionally will succeed, but other nights, I'll do my exercises.  

2. If I'm sleeping at my house, I turn on the space heater (in the fall, winter, and spring) or the window fan (in the summer).  I like to fall asleep with noise.  White noise, that is.  I also will usually crank the electric mattress pad on my bed, so that when I get in, it's already toasty warm.  Yes, I realize I am completely spoiled (and wasting resources) by doing this.

3. I fill out "The Chart."  I made this chart about 4 years ago, and minus one "bad week" when I left it blank, I fill it out every night.  I believe I've written about the chart before, so I won't go into many details.  It usually takes a couple of minutes to fill out, as sometimes it's hard to remember the things I did that day.

4. I fill out a budget sheet.  I track everything that I spent for the day.  Today, all I bought was lunch, at the co-op, so I would write "Lunch- 7.50."  If it's lunch, I write lunch.  If it's groceries, I'll write groceries.  Ideally, I should be saving money by buying groceries rather than lunches.

5. If me and the lady are having a sleepover, we both fill out "the book."  The book is this little blue notebook that each night, we take a few minutes to write one thing we appreciate about the other, and one or more things we are grateful for-for that day.  It's nice to get a compliment, or to know that my partner appreciates me, even if we may not have had the best day.  It's also nice to have to really be intentional in thinking about what things I am thankful for.  It's easy to go the whole day without paying attention to the little things, so taking time at the end of the day to reflect has helped me to realize how awesome my life really is.

6. When I can't fall asleep, I read Walden.  I've been reading that book for the last couple of years and haven't made it past the first couple of pages.  I'm not sure why I can't get into it (cuz the preface of the story sounds amazing).  Regardless, it knocks me out like NyQuil, but without the hangover.

7. Music-- sometimes I'll go to sleep with it on.  Other times, I won't.  It's pretty random on if I do or not.  I try not to listen to really fast/awesome music before I go to bed, because then I'll be up dancing around or will feel inclined to get my guitar and play for a while.  Have you ever heard the phrase "Wikipedia is my crack cocaine?"  Well, music is my drug of choice.  I can get lost in music so easily, whether it's listening to music, or just writing my own stuff.  

So there it is...my nightly routine.  The chart is funny-- I showed it to my friend Steve one time, and he said "Holy Sh!t you talk about your sister being Type A?  Look at you!"  Maybe he's right.  Maybe I am type A.  That's fine, I suppose.  I guess maybe that's part of growing up-- learning how to be more organized and scheduled.  Or perhaps it just means I'm getting rigid and losing my honey-badger/free as a bird/ride the wave attitude.  I suppose I'd prefer the latter.  

 

My Baby Blanket

I don't remember if I had a baby blanket, but I'd be willing to bet I did.  

It's one of those things that you carry with you when you are scared.  It's one of those things you tote along side you when you don't want to feel alone.

I'm 28 now.  No time for baby blankets.

Instead, my material security (literally) comes in the form of old t-shirts and pajama shirts.

When my grampa died, I got some of his clothes.  Included in this new wardrobe was an oversized shirt with fishing lures on it that read "women want me, fish fear me."  Yes, my uncle was confused when I claimed it, as we all we cleaned and organized the last of my grandparents stuff, but I didn't care.  I wanted that shirt. I wanted the comfort it resembled.  I wanted the safety it emanated.

I got several other shirts of my grampa's, including 3 pajama shirts.  I'm not quite sure how he fit in them, but apparently he made it work.  My gramma sewed pockets into all of his PJ shirts.  When I got them after he died, there were cough drops and kleenex's in the pockets.  It was gross...but also kind of adorable.

When I feel sad, or alone, I often hold on to something that reminds me of my grampa.  I'll put on one of his old shirts, or cuddle up with the pillow that came from his and my gramma's house.  For a long time, all of those things still kind of smelled like my grandparents.  My grampa didn't smell particularly good... but I associate the smell of him with being safe and being unconditionally loved.  

When I feel alone now days, I put on one of my grampa's shirts.  It's my silent way of saying "Hey, I need you."  The cool thing is that he always shows up.  

In one way or another, I'm never really alone.  It's good to remind myself of that sometimes.