It's the time of the year that I dread. The holidays. And with the holidays comes all the bullshit. Really. Holidays are supposed to be fun, relaxing times, where people eat-drink-be merry. But where does that actually happen? Why do we stress ourselves out to feel relaxed and loved? I don't like it. I think holidays bring out the worst in people.
Holidays (especially Christmas) bring out the sadness in me, because it reminds me of when my grandparents died. I can't think of Christmas or New Years without thinking of the pain that I felt 6 years ago when I lost my best friend (my grampa). Quite simply, it sucks.
I was talking with a friend the other day about how we celebrate those we have lost. She doesn't do anything "official" on anniversaries, but lives each day remembering them. I try to do that too, but seem to have the need for something "ceremonial" on the actual day. I spoke with another friend about this last summer, who said that I take things too hard-- why would one want to relive the day they lost someone?
I don't have an answer to that. I started losing people young. And frankly, when you're 16 and your friend gets killed, your folks have no idea how to support you, and so you just do what you can. And since then, I've built my own way of grieving. And yeah, there are probably parts of it that are unhealthy, and parts that are unnecessary, but for now--it's what I know, it's what's comfortable.
I've been reading my horoscopes lately, especially on Monday and Tuesdays, because that is when I get the paper (to do the crossword puzzle). I had a fantastic afternoon and evening last night, and said to a coworker today that I wish I could have seen what my horoscope was yesterday-- cuz everything about it was unplanned/unpredictable.
I went home today and started reading about my sign, Aquarius. I fit a lot of the characteristics; free spirited, strong in my beliefs, creative, good in bed, etc. Oh, and it says I'm the carrier of ankles, which is hilarious, because ankles are my favorite part of the body. But there are some parts of the Aquarius sign that I just don't get-- for example, it says that I'm lacking emotions and detach easily. I don't see those things about me. I'm quite emotional, and to be honest, I'm very empathetic and can feel others pain really easily. As far as detaching goes-- I think I'm the opposite, although there are some people who I think would disagree with me on that. I think I do attach to people and causes and hobbies and whatever else... but I also know I need my alone time too.
I like reading about the zodiac. My sister and I have the same birthday, and we are so different.... so that makes me think about the flaws in astrology. As I was reading today, I started looking at the Pisces profile, and I think I have a lot of those traits too-- medicine woman (I take lots of vitamins, ha!), but also this very perceptive and intuitive sense-- feeling the energies of other people. I really feel much more in tune to the emotional descriptions of a Pisces than of an Aquarius.
It's funny-- I can't just choose the characteristics I like and ignore the other ones. Well, I guess I can, but that kind of defeats the point. I need to work harder on my weaknesses...or at least begin by acknowledging them. It's nice-- I had a really good afternoon, sitting on my couch, reading about who I am-- and how I relate to others and how they see me. Granted this should all be taken with a grain of salt-- or should it? I don't know.
Anyhow, it's that time of year, when emotions are high and I'm really aware of my feelings. I can't explain them, or really even understand them-- but my sense of awareness is heightened and I'm being really mindful of what I'm feeling. I suppose that's a good thing. Even if I'm feeling bad-- at least I know I'm feeling something.
Happy holidays y'all. Be safe.