0.03 Percent

I walked into a classroom the other day, and there wasn't much going on. 

I sat down and talked to a few kids, who were listening to music or playing on their phones.

"What do you want to be when you grow up" I asked, feeling kind of salty for raising such a generic question.

"A Physical Therapist" one kid said.  "Eeeew," giggled a few.  "You know they have to go 'down there.'"  I assumed "down there" meant penises and vagina's, so I reassured them that Physical Therapy doesn't really have a whole lot to do with below the belt.  (My guess is they were thinking of the physical exams they get which often time include a pap smear, etc).  

"What do you want to be," I asked a kind of roundish (i.e. overweight) young man, slouched in his chair, one headphone in.  "A basketball player," he said, with an uninterested/i-really-don't-give-a-fuck look.

I took a deep breath, because I knew I needed to proceed carefully.  

My first thought was to say, "If I had a dollar for every young black male who told me he wanted to be a professional athlete, I'd have quite a bit of money.... but if I had a dollar for every young black male who told me that AND lived to see/make it happen, I'd be broke." 

"Okay," I said.  "I want you to get online and look up what is the likeliness of that (playing pro ball) actually happening."  I thought if he did the research, maybe he could come to the conclusion that he may want to have a back up plan (i.e. an education, etc).  

I checked in with him a few days later, and he said he couldn't find an answer, and that he looked with his teacher too.  Apparently all they found was final four basketball bracket statistics.  I was impressed that he took the time to look, but disappointed he didn't find an answer.

Upon doing a very quick google search this morning, I came across a probability chart.  If this young man makes it to his senior year of high school and is playing ball, he has (assuming he's good) a 0.03% chance of playing professionally.

According to the Parents United for Public Schools Website, 36 % of African American males in Minnesota  (like the one who told me he wants to be a pro basketball player) will graduate high school.  I'm not as good at math as I used to be, but wouldn't then his 0.03% chance of playing ball be even less, because that number is assuming he makes it through high school. 

I want to have a conversation with this young man, and I'm not sure how to do it.  The odds are not in his favor.  Most, if not all of his teachers are white.  As an Indian female, I don't know how much my words will mean to him either, because I am not in his shoes.  I never have been, nor will I ever pretend to be.

I wish all the best for this young man, who will likely go somewhere if he is challenged in a positive way, and supported by his community (i.e. family, teachers, peers, coaches, etc).  I think it's okay to show him the website with the statistics...and from there, I selfishly hope he makes the choice to really look at his future and take the steps to make it meaningful for him.  

In an age where young black males are targeted, gunned down, and left behind in the classroom, I feel it's important to continue the conversation about education, racism, opportunity and achievement gaps.... but in doing so, making sure that the voices of those who are most affected are leading the conversations.  

I'm left wondering how I can help ensure that is happening, or if that's even what should be done?  

Meanwhile, I'm in my own set of shoes, fighting my own race/gender/sexuality/economic/educational battles...

Wearing a hoodie in honor, remembrance, and hope for Trayvon Martin and the future.  03.21.2012. 

Resolve

I don't really believe in New Year's Resolutions.  I mean, I believe in them, they exist, whatever-- but I don't feel the need to have them.  No, I think everyday is a new day, and you should try that much harder to be better (??) than the day before.  Why wait till the beginning of a new year to change bad/old habits?  

A month or so ago, I decided my "resolution" was to quit saying "I should" and start saying "I will" or "I am."  For example, rather than saying "I should go for a run today" I'd say "I am going for a run right now."  I can't say that I've stuck to this resolution-- but it's been on my mind a lot, so that's a start.  

I worked at the group home on New Years eve day.  I worked about 10 hours and after a quick stop at Big Top arrived home around 8:30pm.  What to do....what to do.  Go get fucked up with my friends?  Meh-- doesn't appeal to me this year.  Go get fucked up with a bunch of people I don't know at Costellos?  Nope-- doesn't appeal to me either. 

I ended up staying home, having a few beers by myself, listening to music and just relaxing.  I took some time to write-- reflect on the past year.  2010 was an awesome year.

  I started running, trained and completed a half marathon, started playing guitar (again), got a job as the programs manager at an amazing theatre, and made some really beautiful friendships with amazing people.  2010 is going to be a tough year to beat. 

Like I said earlier-- I don't make resolutions-- at least not for the new year.  They ought to be made and evaluated several times throughout the year.  So...it just happened that I made a list of "Things I want to do in 2011" on December 31, 2010.  The list looks like this.  

-write more music

-play/practice more music

-run more consistently

-eat more

-write more (journal, blog, poetry, etc)

-join a (sports) team

-travel more

-camp more

-take more photos

-meditate (formally) more

-do more yoga too

So...this list should be looked at, added to, revised, etc throughout the year.  That's the plan.  It shouldn't be too hard.  I think that's just part of being a mindful person.  Being aware and living intentionally. 

I had coffee with a friend this morning-- I had reached out to her to talk about death/grieving, etc... and she-- being someone who has a pretty close relationship with God-- said that each day she asks god what her will is for the day.  Now, I don't have a close relationship with God...but that doesn't mean I can't ask the question.  I can ask myself-- what is my will today?  What am I here for?  What's my purpose?  What can I do?  What should I do?  What will I do?  

There's something about leaving affirmations on post it notes that appeals to me.  The other day, in the midst of my grieving, my friend said to practice non-judgment (on myself).  "Yeah right," I thought.  But I wrote myself a note anyway, and stuck it on my computer...it's a good reminder.  

Sometimes I have the urge to leave a note for myself on the door, that says "What will you do today?" or something similar.  I went to a bookstore the other day, and almost bought a daily calendar with Dalai Lama sayings-- but then I found a crossword calendar that totally won me over.  My point is -- sans the inspirational calendar-- I need to take a moment each day to really be mindful and appreciative of this life.  We only get one-- probably.  Might as well be present for it, yeah?

Happy New Years y'all.  Wishing you a kick ass 2011, filled with meaning, laughter and growth. 

#lifecanbebeautiful

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the people in my life who are no longer alive--here--with me now.  If you've been reading this blog the last couple of days, you know this.  If you have seen my sad face the last couple of days, you know this.

I got an e-mail this morning, asking what I was up to, other than "thinking a little too much about people."  Ouch....but point taken.  

I have a 7 minute walk to and from work each day.  I wear headphones on these walks...usually.  As I was walking home today, I started thinking about how lucky I am to know the people I do.  I really have been blessed with a diverse, eclectic, intelligent, and loving group of people over the years.  I've been really fortunate, and it's something I feel I should acknowledge. 

It's easy to get caught up in sadness (no matter how temporary it is).  It's easy to take for granted the people who are in my life now.  I'm 26 years old, and have crossed paths, joined paths, and created paths with so many inspiring and beautiful people.  I'm 26 years old-- and knock on wood-- have plenty of years left ahead of me.  I'm excited for my future.  I'm excited for all the people I am going to meet in coming years.  

My friend Tim just called-- I play cribbage with him on the occasional monday.  I've skipped the last several weeks, but felt tonight I should go.... I used to play cribbage with my grampa, and "flinch" with my gramma.  A cribbage tournament at a dive bar seems like the perfect way to celebrate my love for them. 

Lastly, here is a picture I took this morning (my gramma's anniversary).  I'm wearing her hat and bracelet.  You can't see it, but my grampa's pajamma shirt is under my sweatshirt.  It made today seem less lonely. 

Life can be beautiful-- if you're open to it.

December 27, 2010.  Happy anniversary gramma!