Wednesday, December 2, 2009

1.29.09 (winter depression)

I was at the hexagon bar, on 1.29.09, drinking whiskey, listening to natives yell and a black dude, the black dude yell at the white dudes, and the white dudes yelling at everyone. It was awful. I wrote a poem that day, about my winter depression. It went like this:

My winter depression, it has arrived,
no sounding horns or warning sign.
Comes out of nowhere, like an STD,
Comes totally unwelcome,
like a teen pregnancy.
Its showed up each year,
for over a decade,
It comes every fall,
w/the queen of spades.
I play my hand,
my mind plays me.
I rest my head,
don't care who sees.


Yesterday (12.01.09) I felt a same kind uglyness. The difference this year, is that it's now December and we don't have snow! We had a nasty october, with maybe a few inches... but then November was warm (comparatively).

How can I be in a winter depression so soon?? It's December 2nd today, and I feel 75% better than I did last night. I hope this (better feeling) sticks (like snow should).

A question to those reading..... How do you get out of your head, on those hard days? Those long, dark days, when nothing seems to matter. When the outside looks so uninviting, and then inside is just depressing. What do you do?

Yesterday, I worked on a cover letter/resume for a while. I got about 1.5 hours worth of work done.... in 4 or 5 hours. It was that kind of day. It turned around when my friend came over later in the night, and we starting watching "To Wong Foo" with Patrick Swayze. We couldn't finish it, because I got hungry (and he got thirsty) and we had to fix that. If he wouldn't have come over last night.... the day would have been completely miserable.

We can't always count on others to help us out of a rut. Day to day, it's okay to lean on people, sure... but it can't be day after day. At least not in my book.

So what do we do? What do you do? Have you ever had a day/weekend/week/month where you couldn't get yourself going? When you couldn't find the motivation?

If you live in MN, I'd be willing to bet you've had at least a few of these instances. If you live in the moment, I'd imagine you've had a few also. So....what have you done for yourself? What have you done for others?

self portrait 12.02.09


DuWayne Brayton said...

Listen to a Terry Pratchett audio book. Or even better, listen to The Long Dark Teatime of the Soul, read by Douglas Adams.

Alternatively, I find that cranking up Killing in the Name Of (Rage Against the Machine) or Aenima (Tool - and what can be better than a song about flushing LA away?) Of course if your tastes don't run into that flavor, Ani Defranco or Edie Brickell or the Indigo Girls or - for extreme cases, Michael Stipe and fucking Bruce Springsteen singing Because the Night in a live show.

On the other hand, if you really just want to temper the sadness into a milder melancholy, you can't really go wrong with Leonard Cohen (though if you love him as I do, don't listen to his last album, which makes him sound like a ghost might, if there were ghosts). I suspect that Joni Mitchell would probably cross it from mild melancholy to extremely depressing - but Blue and her original version of Woodstock totally fucking rock. Err, in a very calm and melancholic sort of rockin.

But honestly, if you are going for the music - I totally recommend cranking Killing in the Name Of and singing along. Just don't do it in front of very small children - it took us months to remove "fuck you, I won't do what you tell me" from his vocabulary. If there are kids around, they will probably prefer Tool and Godsmack anyways - least ways mine do...And watching small children who don't walk so well headbanging - that will totally shred depression like nothing can...

asha. said...

Duwayne-- Your comments are great. Thank you!

Btw... I can only listen to Ani Difranco when I'm in a good mood. If I am feeling blue and listen to her, I want to die.