Monday, November 30, 2009

neo nazi gay bashers.

I was having coffee with my friend Davis the other day. We went to Rudie's Coffee House on West 7th... I'd never been there before. The coffee was inexpensive and came in ugly Styrofoam cups. Overall though, I got a good vibe about the place. If you're in the area (i.e. heading to the airport, or from the airport, or just cruising along 7th street), I recommend checking it out.

Davis is 70 something, and has been growing out his beard all year so he can be Santa Clause. He's looking good. If you're in need of a santa, hit me up and I'll get you his information. Or, stop down to the Artist's Quarter any Tues-Sat night and he will be there.

Davis and I talked about my schooling...and how I'm on a "leave of absence" right now. I tell him I've got 3 more projects to do, most of which are half way complete or more. Yet, because there's no "time line" or "deadline", I really am struggling to get them done. Better said, I'm really struggling to want to even look at them or deal with them. This is for 2 reasons.

Reason One: I don't have a deadline/time line, therefor it's like these projects don't exist.

Number 2: My projects are the following: A student teaching stint I completed a couple years ago, the composition of 4-5 songs (including recording/producing), and all the work/outreach I did 4 years ago in New Orleans around the Mayoral Election of 2006. None of this interests me anymore, at least not in the way that it used to.

I love(d) my experience volunteering/working/teaching/playing at Southside Family School. It was incredible, beautiful, spiritual, inspirational. But now it's over. My teaching is done (there, for now) and writing the last few essays about it does not seem to interest me at all.

Next, when I am super depressed, I write significantly better and more frequent than when I am feeling "good". Lately, I've been feeling pretty good, which makes writing songs/poetry/stories/rants not as easy.

Would I trade "happiness" for the ability to make good music? Not yet.

Lastly, the New Orleans thing was really emotionally exghausting. I came home from that trip and wanted to go back to school so I could "make a difference". When I realized that school is only a small part of the puzzle (and things like money, skin color, family history, etc matter a whole lot more than a degree), I kind of gave up on the idea that I could "make a difference". It's not that I think all my work is for nothing... I just think that politics and school are so full of bullshit, that it's hard for me to really care about either of them right now, because in the end, it probably doesn't matter.

Davis listened quietely as I bitched and moaned about school, and my lack of interest, and lack of deadlines. He gave me a suggestion...

"'When my ex wife was writing her thesis', he said, 'her therapy lady told her to write out a check to some neo nazi group and put it in an envelope with a date and stamp on it'. 'If the ex didn't finish her work by the time she had agreed to, the therapy lady would mail the check'".

FUCK!! For real?? My mom asked me once "Will it help if I tell you I'll give you 500 dollars if you graduate"? "Nope, it won't help at all", I replied. But this idea of Davis' is a whole new ball game. If I sign and date a check made out to the neo nazi, gay bashing, (fill in the blank) group, and had to send it if I didn't get my work done by a certain day, would I actually get my work done? And who would I give the check to (to bring it to the post office)? I don't have a therapy lady anymore. I could give it to my mom, but I don't think she'd be able to bring it to the post office without becoming violently ill. Maybe I could give it to Davis? Or to Greg, my former advisor (who got canned for no good reason)?

Really though, I am scared to write/date/sign a check made out to any sarah palin/michelle bachmann/neo nazi klan group. I don't want to contribute to their bullshit.... and I would have to, if I didn't get my work done.

Can these crazy ideas/people/groups motivate me to finish my projects? I don't know. Can anything? I sure hope so. I'm on year 7 (or 8) of going for my 4 year degree. I have been blessed with lots of work experiences and some travel during these years, but I would also like to just "git er done" and move on with my education/work/life.


madichan said...

Holy crap. That's the most fascinating idea I've ever heard of.

I guess it depends on whether you're motivated by positive or negative reinforcement?

asha. said...

as of late, nothing motivates me. :)