What I Need

It was probably about a year ago when I wrote a post about "what I need."  In fact, it may have actually been called that, but this time around, it's for different reasons.  Way different.

It's Sunday evening, and I'm sitting at home alone after a wonderful weekend of visiting an old friend... literally old...she's 89.  (See photos).

Ardes and I in front of her garden.  July 8, 2012.  Photo by Laura D. 

Our badass pose.  July 8, 2012.  Photo by Laura D. 

Anyhow... shoulder surgery is on Thursday, and I kid you not... I'm terrified.

But rather than write about how scared I am, I thought it might be good to write a list of needs.  I HATE asking for help...I've spent 28 years pushing "help" away... but I figure if I put it out there ahead of time, maybe it will help me (and you).

Here's what it looks like, by the way.  I have surgery sometime in the morning on Thursday.  I'll find out either tomorrow or Tuesday what the exact time will be.  Then, for 6 weeks I will wear an immobilizer, which until either this Tuesday or Thursday I won't know if that means I can use my hand for anything or not.  I'm getting surgery on my right shoulder, which is my dominant side...so if I can't use my hand (knowing I can't move the rest of my arm), things like writing are going to be hard.  I'm taking Thursday and Friday off, with the plan of returning to work on the following Monday.

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What I need from me (because it's only fair to make myself a list if I am going to put one out there for other people) :

-I need to clean my apartment.  It needs to be organized and clean, so that I can feel comfortable and somewhat happy.

-I need to get as much schoolwork done as possible, because the idea of one handed typing for 6 weeks is not appealing (although it is my reality I'm afraid).

-I need to have a daily photo challenge.... I've got my plan for July, and a few ideas for August.  I realized today that this daily photo challenge is a great thing for me, and helps me see the world differently (or more intentionally).  If I can't run, skip, bike, etc... I might as well have an artistic/creative goal to strive towards.

-I need to stock up on food.  Easy to make food, or at least easy to prepare.  Nothing bad for me, or gross... but being mindful that if I'm one handed for a while, I need to be smart when planning meals.  What this might mean is drinking a lot of protein shakes.  Oh, and grilling chicken... I can do that with one hand.

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What I need from my friends/family/random-non-creepy-people:

-Immediate needs I foresee are things like help getting dressed, showering, etc.  I've got me a special someone to help out with these needs.  (Hey girl, Heyyyy!)

- I need folks to check in with me.  And not just the first week, but during weeks 5 and 6 too.  I worry that I'm going to be "forgotten" after week one.

- In terms of checking in, that might be something as simple as a phone call, text, or email.

- I have a feeling I'm going to have a hard time not being able to run around/work out.  I'd really love to hang out with people who want to do fun/relaxing things, such as watch movies, cook dinners, read, and just chill.  I don't need to do anything too wild.  And truth be told, I often appreciate low key days/evenings.

- I'll probably need help with things like folding my laundry.  I imagine as soon as I wont be able to do laundry, because I've got one good arm, I'll really want to fold EVERYTHING!  You know how that works, right?  I can't be the only one who does things like that.

- Does anyone like to type papers?  I don't want you to write it for me...but if there's a way I can find someone to type while I talk, that would be dope.  I will certainly have time to get school work done while I am recovering...and like the laundry thing, I have a feeling that as soon as I can't type, I'll really want to type and finish my papers.

- I'm going to need people to know that I hate asking for help, I'll push back, I'll probably be a bitch on occasion.... but deep down, I might really need to be taken care of for a while.

- I'm not fat, nor do I really worry about gaining weight, but being strong and healthy is important to me.  I'm mentioning this for 2 reasons.  1. I need to make sure I'm eating well, and might need some help with this.  I LOVE to cook, and I like to eat good food, but it maybe a pain to do it alone, so if you also like to cook, come over (or ask me over) so we can eat together!  2. I worry sometimes that I'll end up drinking too much beer when I'm in recovery.  As of now, I don't think I drink too much, but I also for the most part am pretty active.  I think during this 6 week period, the less I drink, the better, both for my physical and my emotional health.  What this means is, I may need some extra support not to just walk over to the bar and sulk over an IPA because I "can't do anything else with my busted shoulder."

- I need you to acknowledge that this is scary and hard for me.  That as tough and badass as I appear and really am... deep down, there's a part of me that really needs to be loved and cared for.

- That said, I can't put this "take care of me" thing on just a few people.  Really...that's how people will get pissed at me and pushed away.  

-If you know me even a little bit... now (after surgery) would be a good time to check in.  Legit... if we're not good friends now, we may end up being if we connect in the coming weeks.

- Movie suggestions.  Especially movies streaming on Netflix.  I have a feeling I'm going to be watching quite a few movies while I'm recovering.

- I'm also super open to ideas for exercise that won't hurt the healing process.  All I know of so far, is MAYBE being able to ride a stationary recumbent bike.  And maybe leg press.  No running, no lunges or squats... none of that.  I worry I'll go stir crazy, so if you can think of ways I can get out that physical release, let me know (....and for those of you who read that as sex, yes...I plan to have lots of it...so please give me other ideas...i.e. walking).

- I may need some help with errands.  I'm not exactly sure.  I don't know what driving is going to look like for me.  My plan is to be driving within a day or two of surgery... but doing things like carrying groceries in, that I might need help with.

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This list is getting long.  Honestly, I think what I most need, is to know that I'm not going to be completely alone.  I need people to check in, to love me, to care about me, to know that I'm gonna push back and say everything is okay--when it may or may not be.  I have a feeling the first week after surgery, people will look out for me and take care of me.  It's weeks 2-6 that I worry about.

So...I guess that's it.  I'm gonna need help, and it's gonna be hard for me to ask.  So I'm putting it out there on the internet...in hopes that someday, you (whoever you are) may check in some day.

PS Cash gifts are always a good "pick me up" after surgery too.  Just sayin!

One Month

Damn, not even a month.  I'm scheduled to have surgery on my shoulder on July 12th.  I decided this yesterday, and I'm freaking out.  Okay....maybe not freaking out, but I'm one small step behind freaking out.  

This weekend is Gramma's Half Marathon.  I ran it a few years ago, and was supposed to run it again this year, but I've gotten myself injured.  Shoulder, you ask?  No... my mother fucking knee.  I tried to run 9 miles the other day, as I figured this half marathon is soon approaching and might as well cram some last minute miles in.  It didn't work.  I ran 4.5 miles, stopped at my friend's parents house for some water and then continued on.  After a block or so from my friends folks....my leg, a sharp pain, it was awful.  I kept running, because I figured I could just "run it off." 

I had to stop a few times while trying to run home.  I hate stopping when I'm running (unless I'm completely winded).  I didn't know anyone's phone number, and I needed a ride home.  I'd seen my mom driving (right about when my knee started hurting), but I didn't know where she was heading, so I couldn't call her.  I ended up running/limping/hobbling to my 10th grade student spanish teacher's house and getting a ride home from her.  It was sweet of her to help me out, but also left me feeling sad that I couldn't finish my run because the pain was so bad.

I ran last night, less than 3 miles, and was in a bit of pain.  For those familiar with a half marathon, that's 13.1 miles.  It's doable, but not worth the pain.  I figure if after a week long break (since that awful run), that running 3 miles last night hurts me.... there's no way I can run a half marathon this weekend.  I'm bummed.

So, back to this shoulder surgery thing.  I have about a month until it happens.  I'm going to have to wear a sling/immobilizer for about 6 weeks...even when I'm sleeping!  The only time I get to take it off is when I shower.  I asked the surgeon if I could run with the sling/immobilizer, and he said no.  I asked if I could bike, and he said yes, on a stationary recumbent bike.  I asked if I could do lunges and squats.  He said no.  I'm sorry, but WTF am I supposed to do?  I already know that I'm gonna gain weight and get super moody if I can't run around and be active.  (Weight gain and moodiness are two separate things).  I've long identified as an athlete, and to not be one for a while is gonna be hard.  Running around, lifting things, throwing things...that's how I release my energy.  It's going to be a true test to see what happens when I can't do any of those things.

Which brings me to my next point.... I'm gonna need help people, so listen up.  I HATE asking for help.  I hate being vulnerable, and weak, and all that business... I want to be strong, take care of others, take care of myself.... but with only one working arm for 6 months, I may need to rely on my friends a bit.  

I'm just putting that thought and that energy out in the world now.... so y'all have a heads up.  Pretty people...you can be in charge of showering me.  Fast computer people...you can do my school work for me.  Funny people... you can come over and make me laugh.  Patient people... you can listen when I complain and support me with positive thoughts and energy.  Everyone else...cash donations are fine :)

But in all seriousness... I'm terrified of this surgery.  It's not a big deal...the actual surgery, it's the recovery period that is going to suck, and the need to have other people help me out.  

I have a month before all this happens.  I have to get a lot done, including: 

Schoolwork

Camping

Playing

Living

Batting cages

Flapping my arms around like a bird

Photography

I'm sure there's more...but I think for now my priority has to be schoolwork.  I know as soon as I'm in this immobilizer... I'll want to do my work, but not be able to, because I'll be typing with only my left hand.  That said, I need to get as much done as possible, now!  That means a little less playing, and a little more working.  

Totally recovery for my shoulder is supposed to be around 6 months.  That includes 6 weeks in a sling/immobilzer, 3 months of physical therapy/light movement, and a few more months of resting it.  It's gonna be a wicked long 6 months...but if I ever want to throw overhand again, or be able to lay in bed without my shoulder falling out of the socket, I have to get this surgery and rehab it like crazy.  

The next 4 weeks are going to be fun....as I gotta get all this energy and movement out of my system.  Oh yeah, and get my school stuff done too.  If you have ideas, for the next month, or the following 6 months after that, let me know!  

PS if you or anyone you know want's to run gramma's half this weekend, hit me up ASAP.

Yes, I look white.  No, it's not intentional.  This photo was not taken for the blog, but the blog did need a photo.  Self Portrait: 06.14.2012

Bad Dreams, Good Lessons

Last winter, I had a heart to heart with a friend of mine, in which I told him that I often feel like I'm waiting for something bad to happen, so that I am forced to make positive changes in my life.  I of course don't want anything bad to happen, but it just happens to work out that when someone in my life leaves...I go into flight or fight response (?) and get all excited about getting my life together and "being somebody."  My friend said to have my own funeral.  He said, take all the negative things about you, and bury them.  Brilliant, I thought!

Last night I dreamed that a dear friend died.  She was killed, but I didn't get the details.  It was heart wrenching.  I woke up several times, after crying in my dreams.  And then each time, I would go back to sleep, only to cry more.  "I miss her, I should have called her, I love her and her family."  I felt so many regrets.  It's weird, because in real life, I was actually going to call her yesterday.  In my dream, I remembered this, and thought "I should have called her yesterday, and now I'm a day too late."  

Have you ever had those feelings after someone dies?  The feeling that maybe you should have told that person how much you loved them, how important they were in your life, how much you appreciated and valued their friendship?  Have you ever had regrets about not saying those things, or not making the effort to reach out?  I have, on occasion.

This morning once I finally woke up and got out of bed, I realized that it's not too late to call my friend, which brings me to my next point.

Stopping by.  I recently learned that a newish friend is a "stopper-by-er" meaning that she likes when people just stop by for a visit, unexpected.  I like that too!  In all the calendars I carry (two of them), and how organized and timed my life actually is... I really appreciate the spontaneity in life.  

There's a quote that says: “The best things in life are unexpected, because there were no expectations.” -Eli Khamarov.  I like this, because I often do find that some of the things that bring me the greatest joy are those unplanned events/meetings/adventures.  I want more of that in my life.

I've been realizing more and more how blessed I am.  I have really good people in my life.  And while I think I sometimes do a good job of letting people know that I love them and care for them, it never hurts to say it again.  

It's memorial day weekend...a time to remember the people we lost in war, but also in general, I think.  Additionally, it's a time to remember and acknowledge the people that are still here with us.  A simple phone call, or stopping by a friends house may be all that it takes.  

That Gut-Checking-Midwestern-Woman

Occasionally, I'm out and about and see a woman who I get that "feeling in the gut."  There can be 2 kinds of feelings.... one is a "Oooh damn, she's hot."  The other is, "Ohhh damn, she's sweet."  Now, a note to the hot women who are also sweet...I'm not saying you can't have one and not the other...just stick with me on this.

There's a certain woman who gives me that feeling of innocence, of good intent, of "man, she's worked hard and has this innocent look to her, or this very intentional look" or something like that.  I can't really explain it.  It's this feeling in me that I get, of this woman is doing her best...I should really be doing my best. 

In my head, and I guess in my experience, she's a middle age (in her 60's) white lady who might be a bit on the round side, and she does cute shit like wear socks with sandals (which if you're my age...not so cute....when you're middle age, kinda cute).  She's the lady that when you look at her, she just looks like she has some really good intentions.

Note to my brown and black people...I'm not saying that I don't get this same gut-check-innocent feeling around brown and black women....cuz I do.  But this blog I guess is more specific to white women, maybe.  (don't hate...i'm calling it as i'm feeling it at this moment).  

Anyhow, it's like when I see this woman (who can appear in many ways), I don't know exactly what happens.  I think part of me misses my gramma, and part of me misses my mom.  It makes me think of the things I do in my life, the good and the bad.  It makes me want to try harder, not get angry, not get sad, etc.  It makes me want to be happy...like they are.  <-- Are they really happy?  I don't know.

I wanted to post a picture of the person I am describing, but there is no one person...so I did what anyone in my shoes would do.  I went to the online Lane Bryant catalog.  I know white women from the midwest who shop at Lane Bryant...and that's the women I'm talking about (who give me that feeling that I need to quit messing around and really get my life together).  But, to very little surprise, the Lane Bryant ladies didn't capture the image I was looking for.

Lane Bryant

So then I get a little more honest in my google search.  Show me.... "Middle Aged Fat White Lady With Short Hair" which got me to this, which is also not the look I was going for. 

Google Image Search has let me down

One last try... "Midwestern Typical Mom Short Hair."  The first photo that popped up was Laura Bush.  Sorry, but she is definitely not the woman who I'm talking about in this situation.

I don't know why pink Rollberblades are on here

I think the reason that this feeling arises for me when I see (some) middle age, Midwestern, sort of round, socks with sandals, adorned in Lane Bryant outfits... is because it reminds me of my mom and my gramma, two woman who I love, respect and admire so greatly. 

I'm in tears now as I write this, because I can see my mom and her friends initially getting tense as I stereotype a group of (round-white) women.... but in this instance, it's out of love.  When I see people who look like my mom, or who remind me of my gramma...it makes me think of all the bullshit I put them through when I was a kid, and how I wish I could take those things back, and could have been the perfect kid growing up (...like my sister).  But...for better or for worse, I am who I am. 

I was out with my friend Heidi on Sunday, and we were talking about relationships (friendly ones, broken ones, intimate ones, etc), and she said to me, "It's harder to be who you're not."  

My friend is right...it is indeed harder to be someone you are not.  I am me.  I can't change or fix the past, but I certainly can learn from my mistakes and the pain I've caused not only myself but the people that I love.  

As I move forward from here, I wonder what it is that is going to be the true change maker.  I wait and wait and wait for something BIG to happen, something life changing.  I don't need to wait.  I need to act.

I want to thank you (whoever you are) for reading this post.  It didn't go the direction I thought it would, but I appreciate being able to put my words and energy out into the world for people to know the real me.  For better or for worse... thank you for letting me be me.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

Lets hope, huh?

So...it's May 1st today.  It's weird to think that four months have already happened this year.  And minus getting a new job, and meeting some cool people, this year has kind of sucked.

I've been listening to a lot of new music lately....on one playlist...on repeat.  Go figure.  The last week or so, it's been a lot of female pop/rock artists singing "fuck you, i'm a strong woman, i don't need you" kind of stuff.  Like this song... that I am not ashamed to say... I like the video...makes me want to fist pump and dance in the streets.

 

Oh, and there's also this song....which seems all too fucking real sometimes...which reminds me, I want to write a blog about abandonment-- by friends, lovers, mothers, etc.  I don't have it in me tonight...but hopefully sometime soon.

Like I said, today is May 1st.  Time for a good month.  I'm ready for one.  This month is dedicated to getting my ass back on track, in terms of school, working out, and living life as it should be.  

Oh, and as far as my music goes...if you happen to be on spotify, and have cool playlists, let me know?  I'm always looking to expand my music listening experience.  That....and I think learning what people listen to is a super intimate and beautiful way to know someone.

30 Day of Biking Completed!

I did it.  I said.... I DID IT!!  I set out to ride my bike every day in the month of April, and get this....I did it.  Feels kind of good.  It was much less of a physical challenge than it sounds (as some days, I merely rode around the block).  It was however a challenge and test of discipline and time management.  I like challenges like this.... ones that are doable, but can be a true test of creativity and imagination as well.  I didn't write on my blog for about a month, because I felt like I couldn't write without posting photos, but I didn't want to post only some of the bike photos.  So...here they are...all 30 photos of my bike this month.

Day 1 - Fueled by Spontaneity

Day 2 - Fueled by Jameson

Day 3 - Fueled by Friends

Day 4 - Fueled by a Busy Schedule

Day 5 - Fueled by Dreams of Justice

Day 6 - Fueled by Momentum

Day 7 - Fueled by History

Day 8 - Fueled by Desperation

Day 9 - Fueled by Mega Churches in Suburbs

Day 10 - Fueled by Nordeast

Day 11 - Fueled by Extra Innings

Day 12 - Fueled by Pessimism

Day 13 - Fueled by Separation

Day 14 - Fueled by 94.

Day 15 - Fueled by Irritating Commitment and Guilt

Day 16 - Fueled by Vegetarians

Day 17 - Fueled by Memories

Day 18 - Fueled by Tacos

Day 19 - Fueled by Being Different

Day 20 - Fueled by Pedal Pubs for One

Day 21 - Fueled by Rain Delays

Day 22 - Fueled by Earth Day + Clean Air

Day 23 - Fueled by Lost Childhoods

Day 24 - Fueled by Blue Skies

Day 25 - Fueled by Jesus

Day 26 - Fueled by Emptiness

Day 27 - Fueled by Life

Day 28 - Fueled by Deadlines

Day 29 - Fueled by Small Worlds

Day 30 - Fueled by 30 Days of Biking Completed!!

30 Days of Biking

There's this online challenge to ride your bike everyday in the month of April.  I've decided to do it.  You can find out more HERE.

The idea is to ride everyday, and distance doesn't matter.  The part I don't really understand is how you report it.  The instructions say to share it online...but does that mean a quick one liner about where I went?  Or a photo?  Or a big long detailed story?  I'm not sure... 

Yesterday, I went on a ride with my friend G.  We rode to the river and sat by Tony's rock, talking about life, women, men, school, etc.  It was a beautiful day, with a beautiful friend.  I'm not sure if I'll blog about my rides everyday, but the plan is definitely to get on my bike everyday.  We'll see how it goes!

April 1, 2012.  Day 1 of the bike challenge.