That Gut-Checking-Midwestern-Woman

Occasionally, I'm out and about and see a woman who I get that "feeling in the gut."  There can be 2 kinds of feelings.... one is a "Oooh damn, she's hot."  The other is, "Ohhh damn, she's sweet."  Now, a note to the hot women who are also sweet...I'm not saying you can't have one and not the other...just stick with me on this.

There's a certain woman who gives me that feeling of innocence, of good intent, of "man, she's worked hard and has this innocent look to her, or this very intentional look" or something like that.  I can't really explain it.  It's this feeling in me that I get, of this woman is doing her best...I should really be doing my best. 

In my head, and I guess in my experience, she's a middle age (in her 60's) white lady who might be a bit on the round side, and she does cute shit like wear socks with sandals (which if you're my age...not so cute....when you're middle age, kinda cute).  She's the lady that when you look at her, she just looks like she has some really good intentions.

Note to my brown and black people...I'm not saying that I don't get this same gut-check-innocent feeling around brown and black women....cuz I do.  But this blog I guess is more specific to white women, maybe.  (don't hate...i'm calling it as i'm feeling it at this moment).  

Anyhow, it's like when I see this woman (who can appear in many ways), I don't know exactly what happens.  I think part of me misses my gramma, and part of me misses my mom.  It makes me think of the things I do in my life, the good and the bad.  It makes me want to try harder, not get angry, not get sad, etc.  It makes me want to be happy...like they are.  <-- Are they really happy?  I don't know.

I wanted to post a picture of the person I am describing, but there is no one person...so I did what anyone in my shoes would do.  I went to the online Lane Bryant catalog.  I know white women from the midwest who shop at Lane Bryant...and that's the women I'm talking about (who give me that feeling that I need to quit messing around and really get my life together).  But, to very little surprise, the Lane Bryant ladies didn't capture the image I was looking for.

Lane Bryant

So then I get a little more honest in my google search.  Show me.... "Middle Aged Fat White Lady With Short Hair" which got me to this, which is also not the look I was going for. 

Google Image Search has let me down

One last try... "Midwestern Typical Mom Short Hair."  The first photo that popped up was Laura Bush.  Sorry, but she is definitely not the woman who I'm talking about in this situation.

I don't know why pink Rollberblades are on here

I think the reason that this feeling arises for me when I see (some) middle age, Midwestern, sort of round, socks with sandals, adorned in Lane Bryant outfits... is because it reminds me of my mom and my gramma, two woman who I love, respect and admire so greatly. 

I'm in tears now as I write this, because I can see my mom and her friends initially getting tense as I stereotype a group of (round-white) women.... but in this instance, it's out of love.  When I see people who look like my mom, or who remind me of my gramma...it makes me think of all the bullshit I put them through when I was a kid, and how I wish I could take those things back, and could have been the perfect kid growing up (...like my sister).  But...for better or for worse, I am who I am. 

I was out with my friend Heidi on Sunday, and we were talking about relationships (friendly ones, broken ones, intimate ones, etc), and she said to me, "It's harder to be who you're not."  

My friend is right...it is indeed harder to be someone you are not.  I am me.  I can't change or fix the past, but I certainly can learn from my mistakes and the pain I've caused not only myself but the people that I love.  

As I move forward from here, I wonder what it is that is going to be the true change maker.  I wait and wait and wait for something BIG to happen, something life changing.  I don't need to wait.  I need to act.

I want to thank you (whoever you are) for reading this post.  It didn't go the direction I thought it would, but I appreciate being able to put my words and energy out into the world for people to know the real me.  For better or for worse... thank you for letting me be me.