Tuesday, May 18, 2010

day two.

Another tough day yesterday. Jeez. Same as the night before, at around 7pm, I got really anxious and wanted to go home. What’s the deal? I’d only been gone a night, and already missed my friends. I guess that’s a testament to how awesome my friends are. It also means though, that I am a big wimp, when it comes to going out of town alone. Again though, I think the not being able to call people (and had planned on calling people) is what’s throwing me off.

Yesterday, I spent a couple of hours, in a lawn chair, on the shore of lake Superior reading, highlighting, and taking notes. No fishing pole. It was nice. I kept thinking about how much I wanted to go home, and then kept thinking how silly that sounded, as I sat with such beautiful surroundings.

I talked to Greg (my former advisor) last night on chat. It was nice to “talk” to someone. I cried again yesterday too… huh, maybe I’m PMSing or something, I’m not sure.

I went to bed last night at about 10:30, thanks to 3mg of Melatonin. That stuff really helps, I think. I like going to bed early, I’ve decided, cuz then I get up earlier.

I was up this morning at 5am. Yup, 5am. I opened the curtain, and peered out the window… it was getting lighter. I thought to myself, if I don’t make it through tonight (in that I pack up and go home early), this would be my last sunrise over the lake for a while. I didn’t want that.

I put on just about every clothing item I had (I know it’s May, but at 5am, I wasn’t sure what to expect). I grabbed my iPod (just in case), my camera, and my phone (that doesn’t get reception).

Just behind some trees, the sky was pink. It was nice to look at, I guess, so I took some pictures (with my camera and with my phone). I tried to take some “self portraits” with my camera, but they all looked like shit… remind you, this was at 5am… nothing is cute about me at 5am.

I don’t know the last time I’ve seen the sunrise. There may have been a few times I’ve partied so hard that I’ve seen it on my way home, and there’s probably been a couple of road trips that I’ve seen it, but those instances are few and far between.

I wasn’t sure if I would even see the sun actually rise. I mean, what if it came from behind me? I waited a bit longer, messing with all the options on my camera, and then BOOM, there it was, this big-bright-beautiful sun.

It’s amazing to me how fast the sun moves. I took some pictures; messed around with the settings some more, and I swear the sun had moved significantly within minutes, maybe even seconds. It was pretty cool.

At 5:30 this morning, I headed back to the cabin. (Oh, and shout out to Meredith Rambow. I know you get up super early, like 4:30 or 5:00, and I definitely thought about you this morning, and thought about all the beautiful sunrises you see).

Anyhow, I went back to the cabin and 5:30 and jumped back into bed (with all my layers on). I also cranked the heat in here to about 80 degrees. The plan was to wake up at 6:30, which I did, but I didn’t much feel like getting up. So I went back to bed. It’s 10am now, and I’ve been up and moving for about 30 minutes. Hehe.

The plan today is to hammer out some work. I’ve got some more reading to do, for my paper on hip hop pedagogy, but I think I can write out my last two essays for my student teaching project without any problems. Anyhow, the plan is to work on my stuff through the afternoon (till about dinner time), and then either pack it up and come home, or go fishing.

I’ve got these 2 poles with me, I don’t know why I haven’t gone yet. I guess because I’d feel guilty if I was up here fishing, rather than studying. Another thing: I haven’t run since I’ve been here. I’m training for gramma’s half marathon, and really shouldn’t go 2 days without running, but I totally have. Maybe I will run today, early afternoon or something. I don’t know why I’ve been so hesitant to run up here… maybe cuz the air is so clean it freaks me out? I don’t know. There’s no excuse really.

Anyhow, if you’re reading this, thanks. If you’re reading this today, feel free to send some energy my way at 7pm, which is when I’ve struggled the last 2 nights. If you’re reading this after the fact, hit me up and see how my projects have come along. Hopefully I will have something good to report.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Untitled (for now).

When in doubt, listen to “Dirt off Your Shoulder”, the Jay-Z/Verve mash up. It makes everything feel better. At least it does for me, this morning.

I arrived “up north” yesterday afternoon. The drive wasn’t bad; I stopped once for gas (ice cream, and a scratch off). I listened to a “how to speak Hindi” CD along the way. I did lessons 1-2 (twice each). I can now say hello, do you understand, please listen, do you understand English, do you understand Hindi, a little, very much, how are you, I am very well. Not bad for 2 hours of practice. I switched between learning Hindi, and listening to the Twins play the Yankees. We’d lost do those damn fools the last 11 or 12 times (in New York), so yesterdays win was definitely needed.

Baseball is not why I’m here though. I am here (up north), to get my projects for school done. These projects are all about 2 years old, half completed, and really all I need to graduate. When I arrived here yesterday, I nearly had a panic attack… it was horrible. My phone doesn’t work at the cabin (or anywhere close to here), which is fine, because I don’t need to talk to anyone, I came up here to “isolate”, but it’s not fine, because when I can’t have something, or don’t have something, it is then that I want it. Also, it would just be nice to have anyway, so I could check in with folks (if I wanted…and I do).

Yesterday was a tough one. I got here around 3:30, and started in on my work around 4:30. I had a hard time focusing, breathing, and keeping my shit together. I went up to the “lodge” around 7ish, and jumped on facebook, putting out a call for positive energy from my friends. I think it helped, a little bit. I went back to the cabin (where there is no internet), and started in again on my reading. I got a lot read (compared to earlier in the afternoon).

Shortly after 9, I decided to call it a night. Weird, right? Those who know me well know that I don’t usually sleep until 1 or 2am. Last night was different. I just wanted it to be over. If I could make it through the first night, I knew I’d be fine.

I started to cry around 9 last night. Big tears crying. That’s okay though. I was thinking a lot about my grampa. I brought a picture of him and my gramma up to the cabin with me, so I wouldn’t feel so alone. (I know that sounds kind of weird, but whatever, I don’t care). I also brought my grammas old pillow (okay, for sure that is weird, but again, I don’t care…) it’s like a stuffed animal or something to me, it’s lumpy as hell, vaguely smells like my gramma, and it’s just really comforting for me to have around. Anyhow, I had a good cry for about 20 minutes, and half way tried to “keep it together” and the other half to just “let go and roll with it”. I jumped in bed around 9:30, wrote (in a journal) for a while, and then did a crossword puzzle. I turned out the lights at 10pm. I should mention, I took some melatonin (thanks Julz) around 9:15, which definitely helped me calm down and settle into bed.

I woke up this morning around 6am. Seriously. Actually, I woke up around 5:30, looked outside the window to see if I could see the sunrise (sounded like a good photo op), but I didn’t see much, so I went back to bed till around 6ish. I woke up, ate breakfast (i.e. a protein shake), and then headed into “town” (a one block town, not even with a main street). I grabbed a shitty cup of coffee, and now am back to the cabin. I took a couple of pictures along the shore (of lake superior) but I don’t have my little gadget to put my camera card into my computer. Oh well. I’m home on Wednesday, so it’s not a big deal.

Today I am going to put in several hours of studying. I will likely take a break during the middle of the day, to go into a bigger town, maybe get some more coffee, or perhaps grab some lunch. There’s lots of fishing around these parts too, and since I brought 2 poles, I might as well get a line in the water at some point as well.

I think the reason I got stressed out last night, is because I’ve made a big deal out of this trip. Don’t get me wrong, it is a big deal. I’ve got to get this work done, and I’ve been saying that for 2 years now, and haven’t done it… so now that I’ve spent the money, and am out of town, more or less isolated… I need to get it done (and have no excuse not to).

I want to thank the people who sent good energy last night. I know there were at least a few of you, because I really did feel better after sending out that SOS on facebook.

It’s 8:20am. I’ve got 50 hours till I head home. I know it’s not the smartest thing to write online (facebook, a blog, wherever) that you are out of town… but I don’t care. I’ve got an apartment full of mean dogs with huge teeth and an angry man with a shotgun… so I wouldn’t recommend heading over there.

I will write again soon, maybe later today, or perhaps tomorrow. If you’ve been following my blog over the last year or so, you will know that when I have things to do (like really important school projects), I tend to write more.

Hope everyone reading this is well, and thanks again for the energy last night. It was received, and appreciated.

Monday, May 3, 2010

the garden: day one.

Julie and I went to get our overalls yesterday.... and let me tell you, it's pretty much impossible to find them. We went to 3 places (fleet farm, gander mountain, and dicks sporting goods). All 3 places had them, but none in our size. It was kind of rediculous.

Anyhow, the garden people (carol, and our family friend maya) came 2 hours early. Julie and I, in our quest to get overalls, missed the installation of the garden. Oh well. We were there in time for food, and to learn how to plant the stuff. When we first signed up for this, I told my mom I didn't want them to help us plant things... that we should be able to do it ourselves. Well... let's just say I'm glad they helped... we probably would have been screwed without them.

Here are some pictures from yesterday's gardening adventure...

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Weather Permitting

My "Y" membership has expired as of yesterday. That should be fine, right, since it's now May and the weather is going to kick ass? Well, sort of. I've got 50 days till gramma's half marathon (but who's counting, really). That means, I've got to kick it up a notch (or maybe a couple of notches), so I can run the race I want to run.

Today it was 60 degrees, cloudy, and windy as fuck. Well, not like hurricane windy, but much more than a gentle breeze. I set out to run 60 minutes (so about 7 miles). I ran down Selby, and turned onto Summit... KABOOM the wind smacked me from all directions. "Ugh...this is gonna be a long run", I thought.

It ended up being a pretty long (aka slightly boring) run. I made a new mix (cd) for a couple of friends before I ran, and took it with me to test it out. The mix wasn't as awesome as I thought... it needs some tweaking. Also, I realized how much weather plays into the success of a run.

The temperature today was great, maybe a little warm (for a run). The wind though, man, the wind was a pain in the ass. When I got to my halfway point, I turned around, excited for the wind to be at my back. It wasn't. It was more to my side, and at times to to my front. C'mon, give me a break, right?

A couple of years ago, the 7am temperature was 70ish for the Twin Cities Marathon start. I remember thinking that there were going to be a lot of injuries/fatalities, and was quite worried. I don't remember if anyone actually died, but the times were definitely slower than predicted (if the weather would have been milder).

So, I'm already reaching out to the weather gods and goddesses, asking them to see that June 19th is a nice mild day...not too cold, not too hot, not too windy, you know...something comparable to Eden.

I can't imagine training hard for a race, over a period of several months, and then having it go to hell because of the weather. I'm sure it happens all the time though. This is all very pessimistic however, so I need not spend too much time worrying/wondering. I need to continue to put in the miles, the carbohydrates, and the imagery. 50 days... or maybe it's 49. Whatever.