Monday, May 17, 2010

Untitled (for now).

When in doubt, listen to “Dirt off Your Shoulder”, the Jay-Z/Verve mash up. It makes everything feel better. At least it does for me, this morning.

I arrived “up north” yesterday afternoon. The drive wasn’t bad; I stopped once for gas (ice cream, and a scratch off). I listened to a “how to speak Hindi” CD along the way. I did lessons 1-2 (twice each). I can now say hello, do you understand, please listen, do you understand English, do you understand Hindi, a little, very much, how are you, I am very well. Not bad for 2 hours of practice. I switched between learning Hindi, and listening to the Twins play the Yankees. We’d lost do those damn fools the last 11 or 12 times (in New York), so yesterdays win was definitely needed.

Baseball is not why I’m here though. I am here (up north), to get my projects for school done. These projects are all about 2 years old, half completed, and really all I need to graduate. When I arrived here yesterday, I nearly had a panic attack… it was horrible. My phone doesn’t work at the cabin (or anywhere close to here), which is fine, because I don’t need to talk to anyone, I came up here to “isolate”, but it’s not fine, because when I can’t have something, or don’t have something, it is then that I want it. Also, it would just be nice to have anyway, so I could check in with folks (if I wanted…and I do).

Yesterday was a tough one. I got here around 3:30, and started in on my work around 4:30. I had a hard time focusing, breathing, and keeping my shit together. I went up to the “lodge” around 7ish, and jumped on facebook, putting out a call for positive energy from my friends. I think it helped, a little bit. I went back to the cabin (where there is no internet), and started in again on my reading. I got a lot read (compared to earlier in the afternoon).

Shortly after 9, I decided to call it a night. Weird, right? Those who know me well know that I don’t usually sleep until 1 or 2am. Last night was different. I just wanted it to be over. If I could make it through the first night, I knew I’d be fine.

I started to cry around 9 last night. Big tears crying. That’s okay though. I was thinking a lot about my grampa. I brought a picture of him and my gramma up to the cabin with me, so I wouldn’t feel so alone. (I know that sounds kind of weird, but whatever, I don’t care). I also brought my grammas old pillow (okay, for sure that is weird, but again, I don’t care…) it’s like a stuffed animal or something to me, it’s lumpy as hell, vaguely smells like my gramma, and it’s just really comforting for me to have around. Anyhow, I had a good cry for about 20 minutes, and half way tried to “keep it together” and the other half to just “let go and roll with it”. I jumped in bed around 9:30, wrote (in a journal) for a while, and then did a crossword puzzle. I turned out the lights at 10pm. I should mention, I took some melatonin (thanks Julz) around 9:15, which definitely helped me calm down and settle into bed.

I woke up this morning around 6am. Seriously. Actually, I woke up around 5:30, looked outside the window to see if I could see the sunrise (sounded like a good photo op), but I didn’t see much, so I went back to bed till around 6ish. I woke up, ate breakfast (i.e. a protein shake), and then headed into “town” (a one block town, not even with a main street). I grabbed a shitty cup of coffee, and now am back to the cabin. I took a couple of pictures along the shore (of lake superior) but I don’t have my little gadget to put my camera card into my computer. Oh well. I’m home on Wednesday, so it’s not a big deal.

Today I am going to put in several hours of studying. I will likely take a break during the middle of the day, to go into a bigger town, maybe get some more coffee, or perhaps grab some lunch. There’s lots of fishing around these parts too, and since I brought 2 poles, I might as well get a line in the water at some point as well.

I think the reason I got stressed out last night, is because I’ve made a big deal out of this trip. Don’t get me wrong, it is a big deal. I’ve got to get this work done, and I’ve been saying that for 2 years now, and haven’t done it… so now that I’ve spent the money, and am out of town, more or less isolated… I need to get it done (and have no excuse not to).

I want to thank the people who sent good energy last night. I know there were at least a few of you, because I really did feel better after sending out that SOS on facebook.

It’s 8:20am. I’ve got 50 hours till I head home. I know it’s not the smartest thing to write online (facebook, a blog, wherever) that you are out of town… but I don’t care. I’ve got an apartment full of mean dogs with huge teeth and an angry man with a shotgun… so I wouldn’t recommend heading over there.

I will write again soon, maybe later today, or perhaps tomorrow. If you’ve been following my blog over the last year or so, you will know that when I have things to do (like really important school projects), I tend to write more.

Hope everyone reading this is well, and thanks again for the energy last night. It was received, and appreciated.

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