Bad Dreams, Good Lessons

Last winter, I had a heart to heart with a friend of mine, in which I told him that I often feel like I'm waiting for something bad to happen, so that I am forced to make positive changes in my life.  I of course don't want anything bad to happen, but it just happens to work out that when someone in my life leaves...I go into flight or fight response (?) and get all excited about getting my life together and "being somebody."  My friend said to have my own funeral.  He said, take all the negative things about you, and bury them.  Brilliant, I thought!

Last night I dreamed that a dear friend died.  She was killed, but I didn't get the details.  It was heart wrenching.  I woke up several times, after crying in my dreams.  And then each time, I would go back to sleep, only to cry more.  "I miss her, I should have called her, I love her and her family."  I felt so many regrets.  It's weird, because in real life, I was actually going to call her yesterday.  In my dream, I remembered this, and thought "I should have called her yesterday, and now I'm a day too late."  

Have you ever had those feelings after someone dies?  The feeling that maybe you should have told that person how much you loved them, how important they were in your life, how much you appreciated and valued their friendship?  Have you ever had regrets about not saying those things, or not making the effort to reach out?  I have, on occasion.

This morning once I finally woke up and got out of bed, I realized that it's not too late to call my friend, which brings me to my next point.

Stopping by.  I recently learned that a newish friend is a "stopper-by-er" meaning that she likes when people just stop by for a visit, unexpected.  I like that too!  In all the calendars I carry (two of them), and how organized and timed my life actually is... I really appreciate the spontaneity in life.  

There's a quote that says: “The best things in life are unexpected, because there were no expectations.” -Eli Khamarov.  I like this, because I often do find that some of the things that bring me the greatest joy are those unplanned events/meetings/adventures.  I want more of that in my life.

I've been realizing more and more how blessed I am.  I have really good people in my life.  And while I think I sometimes do a good job of letting people know that I love them and care for them, it never hurts to say it again.  

It's memorial day weekend...a time to remember the people we lost in war, but also in general, I think.  Additionally, it's a time to remember and acknowledge the people that are still here with us.  A simple phone call, or stopping by a friends house may be all that it takes.  

That Gut-Checking-Midwestern-Woman

Occasionally, I'm out and about and see a woman who I get that "feeling in the gut."  There can be 2 kinds of feelings.... one is a "Oooh damn, she's hot."  The other is, "Ohhh damn, she's sweet."  Now, a note to the hot women who are also sweet...I'm not saying you can't have one and not the other...just stick with me on this.

There's a certain woman who gives me that feeling of innocence, of good intent, of "man, she's worked hard and has this innocent look to her, or this very intentional look" or something like that.  I can't really explain it.  It's this feeling in me that I get, of this woman is doing her best...I should really be doing my best. 

In my head, and I guess in my experience, she's a middle age (in her 60's) white lady who might be a bit on the round side, and she does cute shit like wear socks with sandals (which if you're my age...not so cute....when you're middle age, kinda cute).  She's the lady that when you look at her, she just looks like she has some really good intentions.

Note to my brown and black people...I'm not saying that I don't get this same gut-check-innocent feeling around brown and black women....cuz I do.  But this blog I guess is more specific to white women, maybe.  (don't hate...i'm calling it as i'm feeling it at this moment).  

Anyhow, it's like when I see this woman (who can appear in many ways), I don't know exactly what happens.  I think part of me misses my gramma, and part of me misses my mom.  It makes me think of the things I do in my life, the good and the bad.  It makes me want to try harder, not get angry, not get sad, etc.  It makes me want to be happy...like they are.  <-- Are they really happy?  I don't know.

I wanted to post a picture of the person I am describing, but there is no one person...so I did what anyone in my shoes would do.  I went to the online Lane Bryant catalog.  I know white women from the midwest who shop at Lane Bryant...and that's the women I'm talking about (who give me that feeling that I need to quit messing around and really get my life together).  But, to very little surprise, the Lane Bryant ladies didn't capture the image I was looking for.

Lane Bryant

So then I get a little more honest in my google search.  Show me.... "Middle Aged Fat White Lady With Short Hair" which got me to this, which is also not the look I was going for. 

Google Image Search has let me down

One last try... "Midwestern Typical Mom Short Hair."  The first photo that popped up was Laura Bush.  Sorry, but she is definitely not the woman who I'm talking about in this situation.

I don't know why pink Rollberblades are on here

I think the reason that this feeling arises for me when I see (some) middle age, Midwestern, sort of round, socks with sandals, adorned in Lane Bryant outfits... is because it reminds me of my mom and my gramma, two woman who I love, respect and admire so greatly. 

I'm in tears now as I write this, because I can see my mom and her friends initially getting tense as I stereotype a group of (round-white) women.... but in this instance, it's out of love.  When I see people who look like my mom, or who remind me of my gramma...it makes me think of all the bullshit I put them through when I was a kid, and how I wish I could take those things back, and could have been the perfect kid growing up (...like my sister).  But...for better or for worse, I am who I am. 

I was out with my friend Heidi on Sunday, and we were talking about relationships (friendly ones, broken ones, intimate ones, etc), and she said to me, "It's harder to be who you're not."  

My friend is right...it is indeed harder to be someone you are not.  I am me.  I can't change or fix the past, but I certainly can learn from my mistakes and the pain I've caused not only myself but the people that I love.  

As I move forward from here, I wonder what it is that is going to be the true change maker.  I wait and wait and wait for something BIG to happen, something life changing.  I don't need to wait.  I need to act.

I want to thank you (whoever you are) for reading this post.  It didn't go the direction I thought it would, but I appreciate being able to put my words and energy out into the world for people to know the real me.  For better or for worse... thank you for letting me be me.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

Lets hope, huh?

So...it's May 1st today.  It's weird to think that four months have already happened this year.  And minus getting a new job, and meeting some cool people, this year has kind of sucked.

I've been listening to a lot of new music lately....on one playlist...on repeat.  Go figure.  The last week or so, it's been a lot of female pop/rock artists singing "fuck you, i'm a strong woman, i don't need you" kind of stuff.  Like this song... that I am not ashamed to say... I like the video...makes me want to fist pump and dance in the streets.

 

Oh, and there's also this song....which seems all too fucking real sometimes...which reminds me, I want to write a blog about abandonment-- by friends, lovers, mothers, etc.  I don't have it in me tonight...but hopefully sometime soon.

Like I said, today is May 1st.  Time for a good month.  I'm ready for one.  This month is dedicated to getting my ass back on track, in terms of school, working out, and living life as it should be.  

Oh, and as far as my music goes...if you happen to be on spotify, and have cool playlists, let me know?  I'm always looking to expand my music listening experience.  That....and I think learning what people listen to is a super intimate and beautiful way to know someone.