Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Dear Higher Power, Quit Taking My Friends!

I don't understand life.  I don't understand death either, but life is bugging me right now.  Last winter, I had this horrible feeling that I wasn't going to live to see my 28th birthday.  I felt this way as I was driving west on Highway 94, right where it crosses over 280.  What a gross feeling to have, and it's happened more than once.  I don't want to die before my 28th birthday.... but for some weird reason, I have this weird feeling about it.  (As I type this, I am trying to convince myself that by writing it out.... it will make it NOT happen...because if some freak accident did happen, wouldn't it be too weird that I had written it less than 2 months before my 28th birthday?)

A friend died yesterday, which has made me think more about death, and why people die.  I was at the gym yesterday morning, watching the news, and they reported 4 deaths from a snowstorm in the southern part of the U.S.  "Man, those are 4 people's children," I thought to myself.  4 people, with histories and futures...cut short because of a car accident.  And really, that shit happens ALL THE TIME.  Who's to say that I wont get t-boned some morning on my drive to the gym, or ran over by a drunk driver some night walking home from the bar?  That scares me!  It doesn't mean I won't drive or walk anywhere or make some rash decision to lock myself up in the just means that life is precious and can be taken away at any moment.

Which brings me to my next point, which I've said many times.  If you love someone, tell them.  You never really do know what is going on in someone's life/mind/reality unless you ask.  And sometimes, it's just important to tell people how you feel.  When people in my life die (I believe it's been 6 people this year), I tend to think about the experiences we shared, and what I could have done differently (if anything).  I try not to live life with regrets, but every time someone I know dies, I wonder if I gave enough to that friendship.  I wonder if the relationship reached its full potential, or if there were parts that could have been stronger.  It's depressing to think about, so I try not to dwell... some days I guess it's harder than others.

As we go into the holiday season, I feel overwhelmed.  Many people I know are stressed out, trying to find last minute gifts for loved ones.  Here's a message to my loved ones.... I'm poor, have barely enough money for food and bills.  I'm sorry but this year, you may only get hugs or handmade gifts from me.  I usually feel sad around the holidays because I miss my gramma and grampa, but this year feels different.  

2011 sucked.  Highlights: Got a rad job, got a partner, went to Guatemala, ran a few good races, got quite (physically) strong towards the end of the year.  Low points: Got laid off, got my heart broken, lost confidence, lost hope, lost trust, injured my shoulder 3 times, 6 friends died, and lost my health insurance and now owe a lot of money.

Dear 2012, I hope you are better than this year, because this year sucked.  I can't keep having shitty years, and this one was one of the worst.  

I feel like I'm drunk as I write this, because I'm all over the place.  Rest assured dear readers, I am not drunk.  I am merely frustrated.  There are definitely good things/people in my life... but sometimes I feel like it's too hard, too overwhelming, too heart-breaking.  When do things get better? And with some consistency?  I deserve to feel good.  I really believe that I do/will.

Last night I wrote a poem for a friend.  It went something like this:

Life Is Too Short

to be angry
to be sad
to be regretful
to be hurt
to be stuck.

i'm ready for what is next.

life is too short.


Greg said...

I've already said a lot to you about this; I was having some thoughts about all of the things you write here, vis-a-vis you, brought to mind by your christmas present, which is waiting patiently in my car for my next chance to give it to you. The connections are complicated and may take an hour or two of explanation!

So yes, I love you, and thank you for loving me too.

Anonymous said...

Excuse me Asha, but if you die, I'll kill you.

Love ya!