It's that time of the year....

It's the time of the year that I dread.  The holidays.  And with the holidays comes all the bullshit.  Really.  Holidays are supposed to be fun, relaxing times, where people eat-drink-be merry.  But where does that actually happen?  Why do we stress ourselves out to feel relaxed and loved?  I don't like it.  I think holidays bring out the worst in people.

Holidays (especially Christmas) bring out the sadness in me, because it reminds me of when my grandparents died.  I can't think of Christmas or New Years without thinking of the pain that I felt 6 years ago when I lost my best friend (my grampa).  Quite simply, it sucks.  

I was talking with a friend the other day about how we celebrate those we have lost.  She doesn't do anything "official" on anniversaries, but lives each day remembering them.  I try to do that too, but seem to have the need for something "ceremonial" on the actual day.  I spoke with another friend about this last summer, who said that I take things too hard-- why would one want to relive the day they lost someone? 

I don't have an answer to that.  I started losing people young.  And frankly, when you're 16 and your friend gets killed, your folks have no idea how to support you, and so you just do what you can.  And since then, I've built my own way of grieving.  And yeah, there are probably parts of it that are unhealthy, and parts that are unnecessary, but for now--it's what I know, it's what's comfortable.

I've been reading my horoscopes lately, especially on Monday and Tuesdays, because that is when I get the paper (to do the crossword puzzle).  I had a fantastic afternoon and evening last night, and said to a coworker today that I wish I could have seen what my horoscope was yesterday-- cuz everything about it was unplanned/unpredictable. 

I went home today and started reading about my sign, Aquarius.  I fit a lot of the characteristics; free spirited, strong in my beliefs, creative, good in bed, etc.  Oh, and it says I'm the carrier of ankles, which is hilarious, because ankles are my favorite part of the body.  But there are some parts of the Aquarius sign that I just don't get-- for example, it says that I'm lacking emotions and detach easily.  I don't see those things about me.  I'm quite emotional, and to be honest, I'm very empathetic and can feel others pain really easily.  As far as detaching goes-- I think I'm the opposite, although there are some people who I think would disagree with me on that.  I think I do attach to people and causes and hobbies and whatever else... but I also know I need my alone time too.  

I like reading about the zodiac.  My sister and I have the same birthday, and we are so different.... so that makes me think about the flaws in astrology.  As I was reading today, I started looking at the Pisces profile, and I think I have a lot of those traits too-- medicine woman (I take lots of vitamins, ha!), but also this very perceptive and intuitive sense-- feeling the energies of other people.  I really feel much more in tune to the emotional descriptions of a Pisces than of an Aquarius.
 

It's funny-- I can't just choose the characteristics I like and ignore the other ones.  Well, I guess I can, but that kind of defeats the point.  I need to work harder on my weaknesses...or at least begin by acknowledging them.  It's nice-- I had a really good afternoon, sitting on my couch, reading about who I am-- and how I relate to others and how they see me.  Granted this should all be taken with a grain of salt-- or should it?  I don't know.  

Anyhow, it's that time of year, when emotions are high and I'm really aware of my feelings.  I can't explain them, or really even understand them-- but my sense of awareness is heightened and I'm being really mindful of what I'm feeling.  I suppose that's a good thing.  Even if I'm feeling bad-- at least I know I'm feeling something.  

Happy holidays y'all.  Be safe. 

Happy Solstice!

When I was a little kid, my mom used to have a solstice party every year.  I don't remember much about it, other than her friends would come, it was at our old house, and there was always a lot of food.  She might have had one when I was in high school too, but it wasn't the same as when I was younger.  Anyhow, today is the winter solstice.  This means that starting tomorrow, the days will be getting longer.  Hooray!

The weekend before this last one, we had a snow storm.  It was crazy.  It paralyzed the twin cities.  Seriously.  Stores closed early, busses stopped running, people were skiing down the streets!!  I went for a walk that Saturday, in my snowpants, to grab the essentials.... some food and some beer.  It took quite a while to walk, because the snow was so thick and deep.  What a mess.

The following day, I went out and took pictures.  I wanted to document the big storm we were in the middle of.  It was the biggest thing since the Halloween blizzard of 1991, which was awesome because I was a kid and got to play in the snow and didn't have to worry about things like driving, shoveling, etc.  Anyhow, I took some pictures...and looking back on it, I wish I would have taken them on Saturday when it was really a mess... but I can't go back now.  I will post a couple of pictures that I took with my phone on Saturday, but the rest are from Sunday.  Enjoy!

it snowed this much.  

this was my car at noon on saturday (cell phone photo)

this was my car at 8am on sunday (cell phone photo)

other cars got buried too

big time

businesses closed

and kept closing

most sidewalks were unwalkable.  people skied in the streets

it was the biggest snow storm since 1991

my emergency preparedness kit worked just fine! (cell phone photo)

So there it is.  My weekend in photos.  It was awesome to see so many folks out doing stuff.  I guess cabin fever doesn't kick in until you're stuck.... you know?  The day I went out and took photos...it was 0 degrees, and all I wanted to do was walk around.  Weird....right?  It's funny, because I don't drive very often, but the fact that I couldn't drive...the fact that I was basically stuck inside...that's what made me want to be outside.  I'm glad I did. 

8000 Meters

I've halfheartedly decided I need this. Except that it's 1000 dollars.


It can be found here.

This day is dedicated to sweatpants...

I don't have cravings too often, but when I do, they are strong. This morning, I woke up craving a totino's pizza...you know the ones, they cost about $1.50 and are made of cheap ingredients. My homegirl Ashley and I used to eat them all the time when we were in jr. high. (We ate everything back then).

Anyhow, I woke up with this craving, and figured what the heck...might as well indulge.

I got dressed (i.e. put some clothes on over my pajamas), and walked to the corner shop. "Good morning," I said to the guy who works there. He wished me a good morning as well. I walked over to the deep freezer with the pizza's, and there was nothing in there. I chuckled, and walked around the store and didn't see any pizza anywhere. Was this some kind of joke?

"Where's the pizza?" I asked. He told me they ran out, and a new delivery was coming tomorrow. I smiled....serves me right for craving pizza at 9 something in the morning.

Oh, I should note, that as I was putting on my shoes to walk to the store, I thought to myself I might get hit by a car on this pizza run.... and not in some messed up suicidal way, but in that I was so tired, I could just see someone running me over cuz I wasn't paying attention.

I tend to feel things very acutely, and so for just a moment, I thought maybe I should forgo the pizza. But then I thought better of it. I needed breakfast, and I might as well risk it. Right?

Since there were no pizza's at the corner store, I got a chicken cordon bleu-- I haven't had one for years. I also grabbed a can of diet coke. So random. I've been having headaches all week this past week (tuesday-wednesday were the worst I've ever had, EVER), and so I've been trying to be more conscious about what I eat....which for the record, I eat pretty well. I don't eat much-- but the stuff I do eat is good for me. <-- this is why I thought having some pizza today would be okay.... just not trying to make it a habit.

As I walked to the store today, I thought "This day is dedicated to sweatpants," because it really feels like a sweatpants day. My plans today include working on an essay for school, going to the gym, and doing a crossword puzzle. Oh, and tea with Nicole when she gets here (soon). My point is...all of today's activities can be enjoyed while wearing sweats.

I'm tired... I stayed up last night watching Hugh Grant movies. I used to not like him at all-- but now, well, I kind of find him charming (which is probably why I didn't like him initially). Anyhow, I stayed up late (2am) watching "About a Boy" and "Did you Hear About the Morgans." I think once I get some food and some caffeine in me, I'll feel better. Wishing everyone a lovely sunday! Oh...we got one helluva snow storm last weekend...I took some photos. I'll post them soon.

On a roll...

I was really on a roll last week, with my blog posts. Not so much this week. It isn't that things are horrible...no, things are pretty good. I guess I've just been busy with work. Oh, and running. I've found this new love of running outside at night in the freezing cold. Sounds crazy, right? I suppose it is, but it's also a really meditative feeling for me. I am typically scared of running at night, especially in the summer, because I don't want to get kidnapped. In the winter though, there's not as much foot traffic, and the general pace of life seems to be a bit slower.

And... truth be told... I'm getting sick of running on the treadmill at the gym. When I worked out at lifetime, I used to be able to run for an hour no problem, because they have TV's. It was simple... just watch a football game, or some shitty television show... time flew. At the gym I go to now, there are no TV's. And no music. It's quiet, minus the grunting and small talk people engage in. I used to be content on the treadmill, making goofy faces at myself and passing the time that way... but not anymore.

I've got a "study date" in half an hour. She's working on law school stuff, and I'm working on my school stuff. I have to bring head phones or I'll just want to talk the whole time. I like studying with folks in law school...cuz they are always studying! I met with one of my evaluators (for my project) earlier this week, which was really great to catch up and get some inspiration as well.

It's supposed to snow this weekend...they are talking 6-12 inches on Saturday. Wow. Oh, and apparently Sunday it is going to be below zero temperatures. Oh the joys of winter in Minnesota. It's funny, because so many of us complain about it each year.... yet we stay. I personally don't mind the snow...it's the cold I don't like. That said, I spent 50 bucks today on sierra trading post for a few pairs of socks and a couple of hats. I need to get some winter boots yet... perhaps that is something I should do today after studying. So long sneaker weather.

"Love is not a feeling, it's an ability"

I am at a coffee shop right now editing my major paper for school. It's exciting, and long, and filled with grammatical mistakes. I love it. And I hate it.

I am going to Southside Family School this afternoon, to give Susie a look at what I've been writing.... and to talk to the kids about all the sweet work happening at Penumbra. The mission at Southside is very similar to the mission of Summer Institute, so I'm gonna take some time today to rap about it. I'm excited! It's my first official "in class visit" where I'm promoting the Summer Institute program. Woot!!

Anyhow, as I was reading through my essay, I came across the following, and felt the need to share it. Here ya go! Oh...and it's from "week 1" at Southside, two years ago.


That day, there was a saying written on the board that read, “Love is not a feeling, it’s an ability.” To me this was a sign that the atmosphere at Southside, specifically in Susie’s classroom was one that we would be able to love and learn together. It reassured me that whatever the students would bring next week, in terms of questions and directions to guide the following month and a half of exploring New Orleans, it would be out of love and a sincere desire to learn with one another and grow together.

an·nun·ci·a·tion

It's no secret that I can sometimes be shy, mumble a bit, whatever....I know it's something I need to work on, especially at my new gig.

I called my sister last night, and left her a voicemail message. Apparently her phone is connected to her computer, because she wrote me an email back, including a transcript of my message. Here's what it said... (click the image to make it bigger).



So clearly, that is not what I said. Granted, it's a computer listening to my voice and transcribing it, and I'm no robot, so there's going to be some errors, but dang. It really reaffirms that I need to work on my presenting voice and my annunciation. A lot.