Tuesday, February 14, 2012

February 14, 2012 22:14

It’s closing in on the end of my 27th year.  I feel like I’m unprepared for this transition.  I’ve been wicked busy, in a good way, I think… but unprepared nonetheless. 

Each year, I feel like I need to write about where I’ve been, what I’ve done, what I’ve not done, and what I need yet to do.

27 was a hard year.  A really hard year.  I had a lot of people in my life leave – either through death or through their own fuck ups (or mine). 

I started working out, fairly hard.  I got stronger than I’ve ever been.  It was nice, until I got injured.  I fucked up my shoulder five times in five months.  It’s been horrible. 

All I want to do is play.

I’m about to be 28.  I can’t just “play” anymore. 

Legit.  I need to grow up.

Side note—I made it.  I made it to my 28th birthday.  That is…assuming I live another 1.75 hours, which should be the case.  I’m home safe.

I need to make a list of things for my 28th year.  I want it to be different than other years.  I feel like so many of my years have been so similar.  Same shit, same story, same hurt… I need to make a change.

I feel very unprepared.  I feel unprepared for my birthday—which really, why does my birthday matter?  I feel like my anniversary of being in America is a bigger deal than my birth.  I mean, how long have I had to fuck it up here?  Jeez…that’s quick pessimistic.

28 years ago, my mom gave birth to me.  The other day, I had a pretty intense conversation with an Indian lady who is the mom to a player on my hockey team.  She was telling me that if I went back to India, to find my mom, I could essentially ruin her life (my moms life, that is), because maybe she didn’t tell her family about having a kid out of marriage. 

Which I guess maybe this is the first year that I’ve thought about it… but I doubt that my birth mom has forgotten about the day she gave birth to me.  Maybe she is good with dates like I am.  You know, the important ones.  I’ve never thought about it, but maybe every February 15th, maybe she thinks about me.  Maybe she wonders where I am, what I’m doing, if I’m alive, okay, etc…

Every year, for the past several years, I’ve tried to think more about my friends and my family and my community when it comes to my birthday.  I’ve tried to keep my own self out of it…at least publicly.  I’ve been so concerned with trying to please others and make this whole thing not about me… that I’ve forgotten about where I come from.

Maybe it’s contradictory, but I feel like I need to check my own shit and give some thanks to my biological mom.  She’s probably having a harder time than me on this day. 

I need to take responsibility for my own self.  I’m about to be 28.  I have a lot of work to do.  I need to decide what I’m willing to let go of, what I’m willing to embrace, and where I want to go from here.  Maybe this time, I will take it seriously.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Every Year...

Every year, around this time, I get super reflective about my life.  Why?  Because my birthday is coming up.  I'm hard on myself.  Probably too hard.  Okay....yes, of course I am too hard on myself.  My point is, the weeks leading up to my birthday, I spend a lot of time (in my head) reflecting on what I have done with my life.  What have I done the past year?  I suppose I do this around the end of the calendar year too, and in July for my anniversary of coming to America.

So...here we are in February.  Year 28 is just around the corner.  Year 27 was a tough one.  I'm ready to catch a break...and by catch, I mean, I'm ready for some consistently good shit to happen to me, and I understand that I need to take the steps to make that happen.

I've been meaning to write for a while, but haven't made the time.  I certainly have the time...and the thoughts... I just haven't written much.  I don't know why.  I guess it doesn't matter. 

Hockey is going well...for my team.  I haven't been able to skate much, because my shoulder is totally effed.  I'm hoping to play a few games next weekend...we shall see.  It's stupid to keep pushing when I know I need rest (and probably surgery), but it's hard for me to sit on the side and watch. 

I miss my grampa.  I feel like grief goes in a circle....meaning, sometimes it's really prevalent and hard and draining, but then it goes away for a while, and then it comes back.  Well...today, it's back.  On my way to (watch) hockey this morning, I got to thinking about how I want to visit his grave.  But then I thought that seemed a bit morbid, so maybe I'd hit up his library instead.  I used to go there and study when I was taking classes at the U.  It was a good place for me to be, because if I was screwing around (i.e. doing a crossword puzzle instead of my school work), I felt like he'd know. 

I miss my mom and sister too.  Mom is 3 miles away.  I could make a better effort to see her.  Sister is about 400 miles away, but is coming to town in a week.  I'm excited to see her. 

I was talking with a friend recently who "recharges" with time alone.  As I showered today, I started thinking about all the stuff on my calender this week.  I like my alone time, don't get me wrong, but I also feel like I get such good energy when I'm around folks/friends/people in general.  It's trying to find that balance that is hard... I've not been sleeping more than about 5 hours a night...and it's taking it's toll.  Maybe year 28 will be about balance.  Maybe 28 will be about finding a career, finishing school, settling down a bit, strengthening my foundation.  On my run today, my running buddy said "Maybe 28 will be your best year yet."  I sure hope so...

I said a while ago that I've had this weird feeling that I wouldn't live to see my 28th birthday.  I really (really) hope that is not the case.  (And again...because I've typed it now twice... I think I'm okay....cuz for real, how crazy would that be if it actually manifested?)

I've got 10 days till I'm 28.  Better make the most of it!  I know I say it all the time...but the formula is so simple.... Sleep well, eat enough, exercise hard, study hard, work hard, play hard, and don't go overboard on the beer drinking.  Easy enough.  Really. 

Lastly...stay tuned for details about the 7th (?) Annual Celebration of Winter happening on February 19th in Saint Paul.  It's gonna be great.  E-mails/phone calls/door knocking will commence soon!

Happy winter, everyone.  I hope those who read this are happy, healthy, and grateful....cuz even when life seems to suck... there's always a little ray of light shining...somewhere.