What Today Looked Like

Most weeks, I try to make a list of goals.  Usually...I fall a bit short of reaching them, but still, I start with good intentions.  

These are this weeks goals (as posted on facebook yesterday morning):

1. workout/run 5 times
2. do some kind of ab/core workout 6 times
3. meditate twice
4. write/journal everyday
5. eat well (3 meals + snacks)
6. have a conversation with a stranger
6a. make them laugh
7. sign up for a race happening between now and june 16

Here's an update on the progress:

1. Took yesterday off, but had an awesome 5.5 mile run tonight after work.

2.  Did an ab workout after my run tonight.... but the yoga mat I was laying on had little shards of glass in it.  Ouch!

3. I suppose running doesn't count...although it could.

4. Wrote yesterday.  Will do again tonight.

5. The fish I planned to eat tonight...went bad.  Shoot!  I did get lots of protein throughout the day though.

6. Not yet, but was kinda chummy with one of the teachers at school.  Ha!

6a. Smiled and waved at everyone I ran past tonight.  Got lots of smiles in return.  It was nice.

7. Sure did!  I just registered for the Get in Gear 10k.

Not a bad day.... in fact, it was pretty rad.  Work was good, got to talk to a lot of kids, had a great meeting, a kick ass run, and a failed dinner.  

This morning, I decided that I wanted to be really intentional with my day, and I did that by being compassionate and patient with everyone that I interacted with.  I realized last night, when my sister was harping on my ass...that we really don't know what a person is going through at any given moment.  When someone is a jerk to you at the store or on the road...perhaps their friend just died, or they just got dumped, or just failed an exam.  You never know, unless you ask.  

I was kind of annoying on my run tonight, waving kinda goofy like at all these runners I crossed paths with.  But I took it on as a challenge.  How many people can ignore me/not smile, when I have an open heart, a big smile, a wave, and good intentions?  Not very many.

It's interesting how the day can really change just by being intentional.  Little decisions, like swapping whiskey for water, or going for my run tonight despite not having a buddy to run with...those small choices made for a great day. 

Here's to many more days filled with intention, smiles, hard work, and love...

Every Year...

Every year, around this time, I get super reflective about my life.  Why?  Because my birthday is coming up.  I'm hard on myself.  Probably too hard.  Okay....yes, of course I am too hard on myself.  My point is, the weeks leading up to my birthday, I spend a lot of time (in my head) reflecting on what I have done with my life.  What have I done the past year?  I suppose I do this around the end of the calendar year too, and in July for my anniversary of coming to America.

So...here we are in February.  Year 28 is just around the corner.  Year 27 was a tough one.  I'm ready to catch a break...and by catch, I mean, I'm ready for some consistently good shit to happen to me, and I understand that I need to take the steps to make that happen.

I've been meaning to write for a while, but haven't made the time.  I certainly have the time...and the thoughts... I just haven't written much.  I don't know why.  I guess it doesn't matter. 

Hockey is going well...for my team.  I haven't been able to skate much, because my shoulder is totally effed.  I'm hoping to play a few games next weekend...we shall see.  It's stupid to keep pushing when I know I need rest (and probably surgery), but it's hard for me to sit on the side and watch. 

I miss my grampa.  I feel like grief goes in a circle....meaning, sometimes it's really prevalent and hard and draining, but then it goes away for a while, and then it comes back.  Well...today, it's back.  On my way to (watch) hockey this morning, I got to thinking about how I want to visit his grave.  But then I thought that seemed a bit morbid, so maybe I'd hit up his library instead.  I used to go there and study when I was taking classes at the U.  It was a good place for me to be, because if I was screwing around (i.e. doing a crossword puzzle instead of my school work), I felt like he'd know. 

I miss my mom and sister too.  Mom is 3 miles away.  I could make a better effort to see her.  Sister is about 400 miles away, but is coming to town in a week.  I'm excited to see her. 

I was talking with a friend recently who "recharges" with time alone.  As I showered today, I started thinking about all the stuff on my calender this week.  I like my alone time, don't get me wrong, but I also feel like I get such good energy when I'm around folks/friends/people in general.  It's trying to find that balance that is hard... I've not been sleeping more than about 5 hours a night...and it's taking it's toll.  Maybe year 28 will be about balance.  Maybe 28 will be about finding a career, finishing school, settling down a bit, strengthening my foundation.  On my run today, my running buddy said "Maybe 28 will be your best year yet."  I sure hope so...

I said a while ago that I've had this weird feeling that I wouldn't live to see my 28th birthday.  I really (really) hope that is not the case.  (And again...because I've typed it now twice... I think I'm okay....cuz for real, how crazy would that be if it actually manifested?)

I've got 10 days till I'm 28.  Better make the most of it!  I know I say it all the time...but the formula is so simple.... Sleep well, eat enough, exercise hard, study hard, work hard, play hard, and don't go overboard on the beer drinking.  Easy enough.  Really. 

Lastly...stay tuned for details about the 7th (?) Annual Celebration of Winter happening on February 19th in Saint Paul.  It's gonna be great.  E-mails/phone calls/door knocking will commence soon!

Happy winter, everyone.  I hope those who read this are happy, healthy, and grateful....cuz even when life seems to suck... there's always a little ray of light shining...somewhere. 

Lessons and Needs

So a lot has happened lately....and while there's no point in going into the details, I thought I could do two things.  1. A quick overview of what I have learned about myself in the last couple of weeks.  Future lover(s), take note.  2. A list of needs, cuz dammit, I have needs. 

An overview of what I have recently learned:

1. I don't like accepting help.  Sometimes I need help, but if you ask me if I need help, more than likely, I will say no.  That doesn't mean I don't need help... It just means I don't want to be/feel/appear helpless. 

2. I know it's not the responsibility of the person offering help, but here's something I learned after talking with my mom the other day.  Rather than asking "do you need help," try saying "i have A-B-and C resources, and would be happy (or able) to support you if you want."  Or you could say "can you let me know how to best support you?"  I think I'd respond better to that.  I bet a lot of people do, actually.

3. A new(er) friend offered to help me out earlier this week.  She threw in the line about how it's hard not to help when you know you are able/have the resources to help.  

3a. My mom said a similar thing, when she told me that it feels good to help others.  I know that, but it's a good reminder.  I love to be able to serve and help others.  I need to remember that sometimes, people want to help me out, and that is an okay thing!

4. I have learned that I hate my degree program.  Well.... I think I've known that for quite a while now, actually.  But more and more I've been thinking about next steps.  I've been stuck for the last couple of years.  It's time to move on/forward.

5. Attention Deficit Disorder.  Lately, a lot of people have asked me if I have it.

5a. As I left the gym this afternoon, there were 2 women having a conversation by the door.  "Adults with ADHD tend to talk a lot," one woman said.  "Yes we do," I responded as I walked out the door smiling and never looking back.

6. Working out with a partner is easier than working out alone. 

7. ADD or ADHD.  I don't want either to define me.  I've been reflecting on/trying to understand/struggling with this lately.  

8. I think big picture.  I was talking to a colleague the other day, explaining how I see the big picture, but it's hard for me to organize the steps to get there.  Meaning...even if I can identify the steps, doing them in order is a challenge.  We had this conversation as I was filling something out online, and skipped around a bunch...making it more confusing and overwhelming than it ever needed to be.

8a.  He said that's how Bill Gates and Steve Jobs minds worked.  Hmm... that's not so bad. 

9. I need to sign up for a couple of races.  This brings me to my list of needs.  

10.  Oh, and so the other day I went to the library and got this book about Adult ADD and it said something about just making your needs/requests short and specific.  And that sometimes, people need to be really blunt with you, or really straight forward.  For me, sometimes it helps if someone says "Hey I'm for real serious about this" or "Hey I really need your support right here" or "Hey Asha this is really important to me."  Cuz as intuitive as I'd like to think I am... I don't always get it unless you spell it out for me.  AND...because I'm not a jerk, for the most part when someone says "Hey Asha, this means a lot to me and I need ya here for it," I'll be there. 

Anyhow...moving on to my list of needs...

1. This.  

2. Protein powder.

 

3.  A keyboard.

4.  A body that doesn't fall apart.

5. Money so I can get the medicine I need.

6. A car that isn't 20 years old.

7. A solid crew/foundation of good/healthy/sane/supportive/fun people.

8.  Full time hours (which will check #5 off the list).

9. A new guitar.  Or someone who can fix mine.

10. A running buddy.  (and arms like my running buddy).

11. A workout buddy.  

12. The organizational skills to finish my degree.

13. A career.

14. A future.

I'm sure it must mean something (really deep and profound, ha!) that I don't have pictures for what my career, friends, organizational skills and future look like.  In a way, I guess that's okay that I don't have it exactly defined.  I think (and hope) my ideas will always be changing and evolving (into better things).  But for now... this is just a list of a few of things I "need."

Happy New Year.  2011 sucked.  Here's to something better.  Cheers!

Goals for the Week

After a week/end of partying, sleeping in, and making fruit smoothies every morning, the following goals have been established for this week: 

1. No booze.

2. Go to the gym/run outside 5 times.

3. Do yoga 2 times.

4. Spend 30 minutes "studying" every day.

5. Do 400 sit-ups every day.
6. Take a multi-vitamin every day.

Because I am going to a 2 hour yoga workshop this afternoon, the week will start today (instead of tomorrow).  

I've spent a lot of time talking about the things I can do to be happy/healthy.  They aren't that hard.  In fact, they are quite easy, and there is indeed time for them.  It's a choice.  I was out having drinks with a friend last night, and I said to her that I should just try for one week to be healthy/positive (see list above).  One week.  That's it.  I've been alive for 1451 weeks.  I can do one week of really living with intention and mindfulness.  I talk about it all the time, but have a tough time committing.  This time, I'm going to do it.  It's just one week.  

If I feel like shit at the end of the week, I will try something else.  Honestly though, I believe that if I stick to my list, I will be just fine.   

The most amazing weekend....

I won't go into details about why this weekend was amazing.  I'm too tired.  

I will tell you how it feels, however.  It feels great. 

Most of the weekend was spent with women.  Friday night was with a majority of folks I had never met.  It was great.  I got "into it" with my family the previous weekend about how I don't "do small talk", and I can ask intimidating questions and what not.  I agree in part, that I'm more observant than chatty, but for some reason I had a great time telling jokes, listening to stories, and being around new people.

Saturday I hung out with a dear friend who gave me a book that hits the heart.  We hit up a garage sale and talked about life and the different choices we are faced with each day.  I spent Saturday afternoon on a boat.  It was great to be with positive people, in the sun, on the water.  I even caught a fish!

Saturday night I had organized a group of people to take night photos.  Me...the organizer was running late, so it only ended up being a few of us.  What was supposed to be night photography in downtown saint paul ended up with me wearing carharts, no shirt, and a mohair scarf covering select parts of my chest, forehead covered in eye shadow with a couple of friends.  What started as a trip to my house to get an external flash turned into a photo shoot with two amazing women.  The energy was beautiful!!  (photos coming....soonish).

Today I went to the farmers market and then to the farmers market brunch my friend hosts.  It was lovely to see folks.  The energy this weekend was amazing!!  It's hard to explain how good I feel-- it has certainly been a while!  

I feel so blessed to have so many rad people in my life, but at this moment, so honored for the women in my life.  Being a woman is hard.  Being a human is hard.  Finding rad, inspiring, friendly, goofy, intelligent women to spend time with is so rejuvenating. 

I've got softball in a couple hours, which I'm excited for.  I've been goofy and smiling most of the weekend.  What a good feeling!  I'm sure I'm super dehydrated, and I know I'm sleep deprived.  I ought to try to live with a little more balance, but this weekend was go big or go home.  I went big (and eventually home).  It was amazing.  I am entering this next week feeling good, goofy, strong, and ready to go!  Let's hope it lasts... I made sure to write about it while in the thick of it... so I can come back and remember it when it passes.  

Life can be really good...if you're open to it.

My morning soundtrack....and weekend plans

Woke up, took a shower, and this song was in my head....

Which I thought was funny....because I feel much more like this....

 

Sad day.  So what else could be on my soundtrack for today? 

 

Better...I guess.

I am going up north tomorrow morning.  To my grandparents cabin, actually!!  I'm really excited.  I haven't been up there for years!  Andy Wilbourn and I are going...which is great to go camping with someone who knows what they're doing in the woods.  (Yes...we are camping at the cabin...that way we don't mess anything up).  We had hoped to camp at a state park, but low and behold, the Minnesota State Government has shut down.

Regardless, I'm excited to fish off the dock, go explore the woods, check out the other lake my family owns (I remember going there only one time, so there's lots of learning to do).  I'm pumped to walk the trail that my gramma loved to walk.  

I was talking to a coworker yesterday, and said that if there was any one place I felt the most close to my grandparents, I think it would be the cabin.  

We leave Saturday morning, and return Monday early afternoon so I can get to my moms 4th of July Party (which for her is more important than xmas, not because she's super patriotic, but because it's when our family used to always get together-- when my grandparents were alive-- and go to Saint Anthony Park for the parade and BBQ).  It's an important day for my mom, and I'm glad to be a part of it.

Our summer program at work starts on Tuesday, which means we've been working hard to get everything ready.  I'm excited to get going on things!  I'm hoping it will be a good summer...it's been a (personal) challenge so far (I was sick for a month)... so anything really is better.

Things I need this summer: cool friends to hang out with (especially ones who like to run, meditate, practice yoga, and don't spend a lot of time/money/energy around booze).  Oh, I also like to BBQ so I want to find more folks who are into that too.  And people to go to coffee shops with, and sit around at a park and read books or watch my pathetic attempts at drawing.  Oh yes, and photographers.  I know my new friend Tom has been wanting to do a night shoot...I need to take him up on it!  Oh yes...and I want a fishing buddy.  Duh.

I realize I can do all of this stuff on my own...but life sure seems more fun with it's enjoyed with other people.  I've done a poor job of reaching out to friends so far this summer (except in the last week), and it's something I want to do more of-- not reach out because shit hits the fan, but reach out because there are people in this world who I love (and I think love me) that we could grow together as friends and do positive things in, with, and for our community...or something like that.

Happy holiday weekend y'all.  Be safe!