That Gut-Checking-Midwestern-Woman

Occasionally, I'm out and about and see a woman who I get that "feeling in the gut."  There can be 2 kinds of feelings.... one is a "Oooh damn, she's hot."  The other is, "Ohhh damn, she's sweet."  Now, a note to the hot women who are also sweet...I'm not saying you can't have one and not the other...just stick with me on this.

There's a certain woman who gives me that feeling of innocence, of good intent, of "man, she's worked hard and has this innocent look to her, or this very intentional look" or something like that.  I can't really explain it.  It's this feeling in me that I get, of this woman is doing her best...I should really be doing my best. 

In my head, and I guess in my experience, she's a middle age (in her 60's) white lady who might be a bit on the round side, and she does cute shit like wear socks with sandals (which if you're my age...not so cute....when you're middle age, kinda cute).  She's the lady that when you look at her, she just looks like she has some really good intentions.

Note to my brown and black people...I'm not saying that I don't get this same gut-check-innocent feeling around brown and black women....cuz I do.  But this blog I guess is more specific to white women, maybe.  (don't hate...i'm calling it as i'm feeling it at this moment).  

Anyhow, it's like when I see this woman (who can appear in many ways), I don't know exactly what happens.  I think part of me misses my gramma, and part of me misses my mom.  It makes me think of the things I do in my life, the good and the bad.  It makes me want to try harder, not get angry, not get sad, etc.  It makes me want to be happy...like they are.  <-- Are they really happy?  I don't know.

I wanted to post a picture of the person I am describing, but there is no one person...so I did what anyone in my shoes would do.  I went to the online Lane Bryant catalog.  I know white women from the midwest who shop at Lane Bryant...and that's the women I'm talking about (who give me that feeling that I need to quit messing around and really get my life together).  But, to very little surprise, the Lane Bryant ladies didn't capture the image I was looking for.

Lane Bryant

So then I get a little more honest in my google search.  Show me.... "Middle Aged Fat White Lady With Short Hair" which got me to this, which is also not the look I was going for. 

Google Image Search has let me down

One last try... "Midwestern Typical Mom Short Hair."  The first photo that popped up was Laura Bush.  Sorry, but she is definitely not the woman who I'm talking about in this situation.

I don't know why pink Rollberblades are on here

I think the reason that this feeling arises for me when I see (some) middle age, Midwestern, sort of round, socks with sandals, adorned in Lane Bryant outfits... is because it reminds me of my mom and my gramma, two woman who I love, respect and admire so greatly. 

I'm in tears now as I write this, because I can see my mom and her friends initially getting tense as I stereotype a group of (round-white) women.... but in this instance, it's out of love.  When I see people who look like my mom, or who remind me of my gramma...it makes me think of all the bullshit I put them through when I was a kid, and how I wish I could take those things back, and could have been the perfect kid growing up (...like my sister).  But...for better or for worse, I am who I am. 

I was out with my friend Heidi on Sunday, and we were talking about relationships (friendly ones, broken ones, intimate ones, etc), and she said to me, "It's harder to be who you're not."  

My friend is right...it is indeed harder to be someone you are not.  I am me.  I can't change or fix the past, but I certainly can learn from my mistakes and the pain I've caused not only myself but the people that I love.  

As I move forward from here, I wonder what it is that is going to be the true change maker.  I wait and wait and wait for something BIG to happen, something life changing.  I don't need to wait.  I need to act.

I want to thank you (whoever you are) for reading this post.  It didn't go the direction I thought it would, but I appreciate being able to put my words and energy out into the world for people to know the real me.  For better or for worse... thank you for letting me be me.

What Today Looked Like

Most weeks, I try to make a list of goals.  Usually...I fall a bit short of reaching them, but still, I start with good intentions.  

These are this weeks goals (as posted on facebook yesterday morning):

1. workout/run 5 times
2. do some kind of ab/core workout 6 times
3. meditate twice
4. write/journal everyday
5. eat well (3 meals + snacks)
6. have a conversation with a stranger
6a. make them laugh
7. sign up for a race happening between now and june 16

Here's an update on the progress:

1. Took yesterday off, but had an awesome 5.5 mile run tonight after work.

2.  Did an ab workout after my run tonight.... but the yoga mat I was laying on had little shards of glass in it.  Ouch!

3. I suppose running doesn't count...although it could.

4. Wrote yesterday.  Will do again tonight.

5. The fish I planned to eat tonight...went bad.  Shoot!  I did get lots of protein throughout the day though.

6. Not yet, but was kinda chummy with one of the teachers at school.  Ha!

6a. Smiled and waved at everyone I ran past tonight.  Got lots of smiles in return.  It was nice.

7. Sure did!  I just registered for the Get in Gear 10k.

Not a bad day.... in fact, it was pretty rad.  Work was good, got to talk to a lot of kids, had a great meeting, a kick ass run, and a failed dinner.  

This morning, I decided that I wanted to be really intentional with my day, and I did that by being compassionate and patient with everyone that I interacted with.  I realized last night, when my sister was harping on my ass...that we really don't know what a person is going through at any given moment.  When someone is a jerk to you at the store or on the road...perhaps their friend just died, or they just got dumped, or just failed an exam.  You never know, unless you ask.  

I was kind of annoying on my run tonight, waving kinda goofy like at all these runners I crossed paths with.  But I took it on as a challenge.  How many people can ignore me/not smile, when I have an open heart, a big smile, a wave, and good intentions?  Not very many.

It's interesting how the day can really change just by being intentional.  Little decisions, like swapping whiskey for water, or going for my run tonight despite not having a buddy to run with...those small choices made for a great day. 

Here's to many more days filled with intention, smiles, hard work, and love...

What Will You Bring?

I woke up this morning, in bed, on top of my sheets, wearing next to nothing.  No...it was not a traumatic night...it was a hot night.  And not hot in a fun sexual way...but hot as in the overnight low was probably 80 degrees.

My alarm went off at 7am, but I'd already been awake, tossing and turning.  I had been dreaming about fishing...up north (not at my grampa's cabin, but with his fishing gear).  Anyhow, I laid awake in bed, and despite being awake, hit snooze on my alarm several times before actually getting out of bed.  

As I laid there, I thought about what I was going to bring to this day.  Everyone has an obligation to bring something to each day...but it should ultimately be their decision.  (note: the word obligation is a big one...it might not be the word I am looking for, as I don't like feeling obligated to anyone).  Regardless, in order for society to work (better), we all need to contribute something positive each day.  What was my contribution going to be?

Endless amounts of energy and smiles?  I doubt it.  I'm so effing tired...and have been for a while.  Laughter?  Ideally, yes.  But who can make that guarantee?  I laid there a while longer, thinking about how I could pose this as a facebook question, but then felt all too self-righteous like a Buddhist poser or something. 

My genuine self.  That's what I will bring today.  I try to bring my genuine most real self everyday, and I think I do a pretty decent job of it (those who've seen my mood swing can attest that I don't always hold back my emotions).  If I bring my true, most genuine real self to the world today, I have to believe that things will be okay.  

Everything happens for a reason, whether it is part of God's plan or it's just in the stars.  Even the things that really suck (natural and unnatural disasters) happen for a reason.  If I didn't believe that, I don't think I'd make it.  I don't know why things happen as they do, and I don't know why I react and feel the way that I do.... but for now, all I can do is take it in stride.  All I can do is accept my feelings and the world around me as they are.  Yes, things need to change (my feelings and the world), but being too quick to judge isn't going to get anyone anywhere. 

I really believe that in this world, love is a crucial component to making things work, grow, inspire, and be.  It may not be love from another, but loving one's self is a good place to start.  In the end, that's all we really have.

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Andy and I went camping a few days ago-- it was awesome.  Photos will be posted by the end of the weekend (ideally)...or actually right now.  My favorite part of the trip was Monday morning at 5am.  I told Andy I wanted to be awake to watch/photograph the sun rising.  He said it was okay if I woke him up, so I did as passively as possible... by opening and closing the zippers on my tent.  Surely he would hear that and get up on his own.  After zipping and unzipping and getting dressed and ho-humming along, I said "Andy, are you awake" in this really sweet voice.  "I am," he said.  A few minutes later, we were down on the dock to watch the sun.  

Having slept only about 5 hours the night before, we were both pretty tired.  I got some good photos, and then fell asleep in my chair.  It was perfect.  We sat/laid out on the dock for a couple of hours before packing up and heading home.  It was quiet, and beautiful.  Before we left, I told Andy I needed to go say goodbye to the lake.  I shuffled down the home made stairs built into the ground by the cabin, and I stopped at the "beach."  I looked to the left where my gramma's walking path was.  I had a picture of that path from several years ago, with the sun shining through the trees-- I always felt like my gramma was the sun in that picture.  On Sunday I had tried to recreate that photo to no avail.  When I looked at the path from the beach on Monday morning, the sun was shining like it had years ago.  A perfect photo opportunity, I thought to myself.  But like I had said the day before-- I don't need to recreate the past.  I need to just enjoy the present for what it is.

I walked to the end of the dock and looked out at the lake.  It was beautiful, as it always is.  The sun was high in the sky by then, and so I looked directly at it and took a deep breath in.  The wind was blowing, not too hard, providing a comforting breeze.  "Thank you," I said as I looked back across the lake.  "I miss you guys," I said to the sky, feeling the energy and love of my grandparents.  "And I love you."  I don't know that I believe in prayer or god very strongly, but I put my hands in prayer position and slightly bowed forward.  "Thank you," I said again.

I turned back towards the cabin and walked up to the car.  "Okay, I'm ready to go," I told Andy.  And I was.  

The west bay of Mantrap Lake

Where we spent most of our awake hours

Saturday night dinner-- prepared by Andy

Sunday night dinner-- prepared by Andy

Monday morning sunrise

Physically sore, Emotionally rested

As we speak (or more appropriately, as I type this), my ass is killing me.  So are my legs and arms.  Yesterday, I went cross country skiing for the first time (that I can remember).  I went with a friend who claimed she's a "novice," but 2 minutes on the trails and I could see that she was better than she led on. 

As a young person in pretty good shape, I figured I'd get the hang of things pretty quickly once I learned how to balance on skis.  This was true, sort of.  The first mile was tough, and I just kind of shuffled along.  My friend had confidence in me, saying that if I can walk-- I can ski.  Well...skiing kind of felt like walking for the first mile.  

We kept on and soon approached a small hill.  I fell half way down it, but bounced back up right away.  My friend was impressed, saying most people who fall on skis are a tangled mess and have trouble recovering.  "Must be from years of playing hockey," I thought to myself.  A while later, we came up to a big hill.  And not big like a mountain, but plenty big for me.  My friend looked like a pro, as she glided down the hill with ease.  I stood at the top, and put my arms up and out as she looked back me.  It was the "WTF am I supposed to do?" gesture.  I thought about my options (taking off the skis and walking down the hill, sitting down and and starting to cry, or saying "eff it" and just go for it).  After about 15 seconds of running through my options, I went for it.  Half way down, I biffed it.  Skis tangled, sprawled out in the middle of the trail, I laid there, and looked up at my friend.  She watched as I struggled to pick myself back up.  After a few awkward attempts, I was upright and skiing on towards her. 

"I didn't think you wanted me to watch," she said sweetly.  "I didn't," I replied.  And I'm glad she didn't watch.  I would have felt worse than I already did.  It's funny how a person can read another in that way-- she knew that I didn't want her to see me fall-- so she turned away, but didn't leave me.  That's dope.  That's true friendship.  

I brushed the snow off my body, and we skied on.  There were a couple times when we could have taken a shortcut back to the car, but I said I planned on earning the wine we left at the house as a post-ski refreshment.  This might have been a mistake.  We came up to another hill-- this one with a sharp curve to the right and a drop off to the left.  I kid you not, we stood atop the hill for 10 minutes discussing what to do next.  I was given the following options-- 1. Turn around and ski back the other way.  2. Take off our skis and walk down.  3. Go for it.  

We went for it.  Actually, we let a few folks go ahead of us.  We listened for screams or crashing sounds, but heard none.  My friend went first, and said she would likely scream, squeal, or do both.  Off she went-- and stayed silent.  I stood there, wishing I hadn't come skiing, wishing I was better at it, or that I really could just take off my skis and walk down the hill.  I'm too stubborn for that though-- I'm too proud.  

I took one big deep breath, and down I went.  I went around the corner, and guess what?  It wasn't a steep-plummet-to-my-death kind of hill.  It was a decent incline however, and get this-- I didn't fall.  I smiled when I reached my friend.  "You did it!" she shouted.  To most anyone else, this may have seemed a menial feat, but to me it was important.  I tried something new, was honestly quite scared, faced it head on...and oh yeah-- I ended up being just fine.  

I had a beautiful day yesterday-- took the day off work (I can do that, because I'm part time until Monday), went outside of the city, didn't once look at my cell phone or email, spent some time outside, got my heart rate up, and had really meaningful conversation.  I think it's important to make time to do these kinds of things.  I get burned out easily, but something as simple as an afternoon of skiing, and dang I really feel rested.  I feel emotionally rejuvenated.  I feel good, because I overcame a challenge. 

I really can't say if I will go cross country skiing again anytime soon.  I think I should, but I'm not going to lie-- it's frustrating to not be good at it.  Granted, I got better as the afternoon went on-- but still, there's no biathlon in my near future.  The company was good (my friend did a nice job of supporting me, but not making me feel terrible when I wiped out or couldn't keep up).  The weather was awesome (mid thirties).  And overall, the workout was pretty good-- like I said at the beginning of this post- my booty, legs and arms are all quite sore.  That's a good thing though, because through it all, I came home emotionally rested and rejuvenated.  It's amazing what a day playing hooky can do for the soul.

Lastly, I should note that I thought about bringing my camera on our adventure, but figured I would wipe out a few times, and it wasn't worth risking a thousand dollars worth of equipment to get "the perfect shot."  I'm glad I chose to leave the camera behind-- had I not, I would likely still be on the trail collecting pieces of my Nikon off the ground. 

the picky begger?

I'm getting ready for Keith Grauman's "1st Annual Chili Cook-Off" today. I woke up at 8am, and got out of bed around 10. I checked the temperature. -9 F. (F as in Fahrenheit, or Fucking Freezing). I put on as many layers as possible, and walked to Mississippi Market.

Lentils...Check. Serrano Peppers....Check. Mustard Seeds....Check. Green Juice for breakfast....Check.

I left the Co-op with 31 dollars less than I came in with. Oh well. I picked up some staples while I was there too.... (i.e. canola oil, dried red chillies, etc...). I got to the end of the (short) block and this Asian dude comes running towards me, waving his hands.

"Sir, Sir", he asked, trying to get my attention. Usually, when someone calls me "Sir", I am annoyed and just ignore them...but when it's winter, and I'm wearing 2 hats, 3 pairs of pants, 3 shirts and 2 jackets....I take on a pretty androgynous look, I guess. Anyhow, I stop for the dude...knowing he's gonna ask for money (you can see it in his eyes).

"Sir....Oh, Mamm, Mamm, can you give me a couple dollars, I want to buy some noodles, some ramen noodles", and he pointed to the co-op. "Sure", I said, and suggested we walk into the market together. "Oh, I don't think they have them here", he said. "Let's find out", I replied, and started walking towards store.

We get inside, and walk down the "ethnic" aisle. "How bout these", I ask, pointing to the rice vermicelli noodles? He said no. "How bout these", I ask, pointing to the ramen noodles. Nope, those wont work either (even though it's specifically what he asked for).

He said the noodles he wants are at "Sun Foods" on University and Dale (which is about 6 blocks from where we are). "Too bad", I wanted to say, but instead I said "Well, you said Ramen Noodles, which are right here, and I'll get them for you if you want". He declined. I said "Sorry then, I can't help you", and walked (with him) out of the store and home.

Now...I am a picky eater...those who have raised me, lived with me, or dated me can attest to this. But here's the thing....if I am hungry, and someone offers me food, you damn well better believe I will eat it, and I will be grateful for it.

This dude was obviously just interested in my money. When people ask me for money (usually in my neighborhood, coming home from the bar or coffee shop), I often say I don't have any. There's one lady who always asks me for bus money, and I never have any....perhaps because she switches from needing bus money to money for gas for her sisters car a few blocks away.

When people ask me for money for food...I usually don't give money. If I have food with me (either just purchased, or leftovers) I will offer what I have. Sometimes folks will take it. Other times they wont. It kind of separates those who actually want food, and those who just want money.

If someone came up to me and said "Can I get a few dollars for a beer", I would just go to the Pub with them and sit for a beer. Chances are, they have an interesting story....and I'd be willing to bet, not many people who take the time to listen.

Out of curiosity....what do you do when you see someone asking for food/work/money?

Things that I love

Tis the season to be thankful, merry, and reflective. It's also hockey season.

I thought I would jot a quick list of the things that I love, before I get going on my school work...

I love the following things (in no specific order):

hockey season, friends, the pub, winter beers, old vinyl records, heiruspecs, value thrift, libraries, christmas lights, challenging professors, white russians, slippers with rubber soles, and time alone or time with others.

Oh yeah, and Legos. I love them.

The semester is over in a couple weeks. Lots of work to do until then.

p.s. Pi has officially closed. It's too bad they didn't get enough money fundraised, but hopefully they will find some better luck soon, and get a new place up and running. Maybe it could be called "Big Sally's Bar". Oh yeah, my girl sally is doing much better after her surgery... glad you are healing up, homie.

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she threatened me,
she promised bodily harm.
and all i can think about
is extending my arm,
opening my heart
and opening my mind
trying to see the world
or understand it through her eyes.
we all have a heart,
and we all have intentions
there's a good part in all of us,
even if it's never mentioned.
our sense and intuitions
they guide us and lead us,
our words and our actions
are fuel when they leave us.
we've got the power to hurt others
with guns, fists, and knives,
we've got the chance to love others,
if we let go of egos and lies.

(11.18.08. 17:45.  asha)