February 14, 2012 22:14

It’s closing in on the end of my 27^th year.  I feel like I’m unprepared for this transition.  I’ve been wicked busy, in a good way, I think… but unprepared nonetheless. 

Each year, I feel like I need to write about where I’ve been, what I’ve done, what I’ve not done, and what I need yet to do.

27 was a hard year.  A really hard year.  I had a lot of people in my life leave – either through death or through their own fuck ups (or mine). 

I started working out, fairly hard.  I got stronger than I’ve ever been.  It was nice, until I got injured.  I fucked up my shoulder five times in five months.  It’s been horrible. 

All I want to do is play.

I’m about to be 28.  I can’t just “play” anymore. 

Legit.  I need to grow up.

Side note—I made it.  I made it to my 28^th birthday.  That is…assuming I live another 1.75 hours, which should be the case.  I’m home safe.

I need to make a list of things for my 28^th year.  I want it to be different than other years.  I feel like so many of my years have been so similar.  Same shit, same story, same hurt… I need to make a change.

I feel very unprepared.  I feel unprepared for my birthday—which really, why does my birthday matter?  I feel like my anniversary of being in America is a bigger deal than my birth.  I mean, how long have I had to fuck it up here?  Jeez…that’s quick pessimistic.

28 years ago, my mom gave birth to me.  The other day, I had a pretty intense conversation with an Indian lady who is the mom to a player on my hockey team.  She was telling me that if I went back to India, to find my mom, I could essentially ruin her life (my moms life, that is), because maybe she didn’t tell her family about having a kid out of marriage. 

Which I guess maybe this is the first year that I’ve thought about it… but I doubt that my birth mom has forgotten about the day she gave birth to me.  Maybe she is good with dates like I am.  You know, the important ones.  I’ve never thought about it, but maybe every February 15^th, maybe she thinks about me.  Maybe she wonders where I am, what I’m doing, if I’m alive, okay, etc…

Every year, for the past several years, I’ve tried to think more about my friends and my family and my community when it comes to my birthday.  I’ve tried to keep my own self out of it…at least publicly.  I’ve been so concerned with trying to please others and make this whole thing not about me… that I’ve forgotten about where I come from.

Maybe it’s contradictory, but I feel like I need to check my own shit and give some thanks to my biological mom.  She’s probably having a harder time than me on this day. 

I need to take responsibility for my own self.  I’m about to be 28.  I have a lot of work to do.  I need to decide what I’m willing to let go of, what I’m willing to embrace, and where I want to go from here.  Maybe this time, I will take it seriously.

Every Year...

Every year, around this time, I get super reflective about my life.  Why?  Because my birthday is coming up.  I'm hard on myself.  Probably too hard.  Okay....yes, of course I am too hard on myself.  My point is, the weeks leading up to my birthday, I spend a lot of time (in my head) reflecting on what I have done with my life.  What have I done the past year?  I suppose I do this around the end of the calendar year too, and in July for my anniversary of coming to America.

So...here we are in February.  Year 28 is just around the corner.  Year 27 was a tough one.  I'm ready to catch a break...and by catch, I mean, I'm ready for some consistently good shit to happen to me, and I understand that I need to take the steps to make that happen.

I've been meaning to write for a while, but haven't made the time.  I certainly have the time...and the thoughts... I just haven't written much.  I don't know why.  I guess it doesn't matter. 

Hockey is going well...for my team.  I haven't been able to skate much, because my shoulder is totally effed.  I'm hoping to play a few games next weekend...we shall see.  It's stupid to keep pushing when I know I need rest (and probably surgery), but it's hard for me to sit on the side and watch. 

I miss my grampa.  I feel like grief goes in a circle....meaning, sometimes it's really prevalent and hard and draining, but then it goes away for a while, and then it comes back.  Well...today, it's back.  On my way to (watch) hockey this morning, I got to thinking about how I want to visit his grave.  But then I thought that seemed a bit morbid, so maybe I'd hit up his library instead.  I used to go there and study when I was taking classes at the U.  It was a good place for me to be, because if I was screwing around (i.e. doing a crossword puzzle instead of my school work), I felt like he'd know. 

I miss my mom and sister too.  Mom is 3 miles away.  I could make a better effort to see her.  Sister is about 400 miles away, but is coming to town in a week.  I'm excited to see her. 

I was talking with a friend recently who "recharges" with time alone.  As I showered today, I started thinking about all the stuff on my calender this week.  I like my alone time, don't get me wrong, but I also feel like I get such good energy when I'm around folks/friends/people in general.  It's trying to find that balance that is hard... I've not been sleeping more than about 5 hours a night...and it's taking it's toll.  Maybe year 28 will be about balance.  Maybe 28 will be about finding a career, finishing school, settling down a bit, strengthening my foundation.  On my run today, my running buddy said "Maybe 28 will be your best year yet."  I sure hope so...

I said a while ago that I've had this weird feeling that I wouldn't live to see my 28th birthday.  I really (really) hope that is not the case.  (And again...because I've typed it now twice... I think I'm okay....cuz for real, how crazy would that be if it actually manifested?)

I've got 10 days till I'm 28.  Better make the most of it!  I know I say it all the time...but the formula is so simple.... Sleep well, eat enough, exercise hard, study hard, work hard, play hard, and don't go overboard on the beer drinking.  Easy enough.  Really. 

Lastly...stay tuned for details about the 7th (?) Annual Celebration of Winter happening on February 19th in Saint Paul.  It's gonna be great.  E-mails/phone calls/door knocking will commence soon!

Happy winter, everyone.  I hope those who read this are happy, healthy, and grateful....cuz even when life seems to suck... there's always a little ray of light shining...somewhere. 

The Energy of Music

I should be writing about Martin Luther King day, which is today.  But I am not going to.  

I should be getting errands/work done today.  But I am not going to.

I just spent the last several hours working on a mix cd, and no -- it's still not done.  

I swear....if one could only judge me by the time, intent, and outcome of mix cd's I make, I'd be up there with the best people in the world.  You can decide who they are.  (All I could think of was Jesus for some reason... but that's not what I meant.)  My ego is not that big, nor is the comparison any good.

It's crazy how deep music can be.  How it can instantly bring you to a whole different place (in time, in mind, in everything).  I like that about music, and want to start making more of my own.

I posted this (video) on facebook a while back, but as I sit here this afternoon, home alone eating a sandwich and drinking a beer... I'm thinking about all the good people and energy I've come across lately. 

I know that happiness and all that shit is supposed to come from within.  It does, sure, whatever.  But after a weekend filled with super positive, smart, engaging, and goofy women... all I want to do is dance around and keep that energy going.  

Sharing music is one of the most beautiful things in the world to me.  Sharing energy is right up there with it.  I feel lucky to have good music, good energy, and good people in my life.

Lessons and Needs

So a lot has happened lately....and while there's no point in going into the details, I thought I could do two things.  1. A quick overview of what I have learned about myself in the last couple of weeks.  Future lover(s), take note.  2. A list of needs, cuz dammit, I have needs. 

An overview of what I have recently learned:

1. I don't like accepting help.  Sometimes I need help, but if you ask me if I need help, more than likely, I will say no.  That doesn't mean I don't need help... It just means I don't want to be/feel/appear helpless. 

2. I know it's not the responsibility of the person offering help, but here's something I learned after talking with my mom the other day.  Rather than asking "do you need help," try saying "i have A-B-and C resources, and would be happy (or able) to support you if you want."  Or you could say "can you let me know how to best support you?"  I think I'd respond better to that.  I bet a lot of people do, actually.

3. A new(er) friend offered to help me out earlier this week.  She threw in the line about how it's hard not to help when you know you are able/have the resources to help.  

3a. My mom said a similar thing, when she told me that it feels good to help others.  I know that, but it's a good reminder.  I love to be able to serve and help others.  I need to remember that sometimes, people want to help me out, and that is an okay thing!

4. I have learned that I hate my degree program.  Well.... I think I've known that for quite a while now, actually.  But more and more I've been thinking about next steps.  I've been stuck for the last couple of years.  It's time to move on/forward.

5. Attention Deficit Disorder.  Lately, a lot of people have asked me if I have it.

5a. As I left the gym this afternoon, there were 2 women having a conversation by the door.  "Adults with ADHD tend to talk a lot," one woman said.  "Yes we do," I responded as I walked out the door smiling and never looking back.

6. Working out with a partner is easier than working out alone. 

7. ADD or ADHD.  I don't want either to define me.  I've been reflecting on/trying to understand/struggling with this lately.  

8. I think big picture.  I was talking to a colleague the other day, explaining how I see the big picture, but it's hard for me to organize the steps to get there.  Meaning...even if I can identify the steps, doing them in order is a challenge.  We had this conversation as I was filling something out online, and skipped around a bunch...making it more confusing and overwhelming than it ever needed to be.

8a.  He said that's how Bill Gates and Steve Jobs minds worked.  Hmm... that's not so bad. 

9. I need to sign up for a couple of races.  This brings me to my list of needs.  

10.  Oh, and so the other day I went to the library and got this book about Adult ADD and it said something about just making your needs/requests short and specific.  And that sometimes, people need to be really blunt with you, or really straight forward.  For me, sometimes it helps if someone says "Hey I'm for real serious about this" or "Hey I really need your support right here" or "Hey Asha this is really important to me."  Cuz as intuitive as I'd like to think I am... I don't always get it unless you spell it out for me.  AND...because I'm not a jerk, for the most part when someone says "Hey Asha, this means a lot to me and I need ya here for it," I'll be there. 

Anyhow...moving on to my list of needs...

1. This.  

2. Protein powder.

 

3.  A keyboard.

4.  A body that doesn't fall apart.

5. Money so I can get the medicine I need.

6. A car that isn't 20 years old.

7. A solid crew/foundation of good/healthy/sane/supportive/fun people.

8.  Full time hours (which will check #5 off the list).

9. A new guitar.  Or someone who can fix mine.

10. A running buddy.  (and arms like my running buddy).

11. A workout buddy.  

12. The organizational skills to finish my degree.

13. A career.

14. A future.

I'm sure it must mean something (really deep and profound, ha!) that I don't have pictures for what my career, friends, organizational skills and future look like.  In a way, I guess that's okay that I don't have it exactly defined.  I think (and hope) my ideas will always be changing and evolving (into better things).  But for now... this is just a list of a few of things I "need."

Happy New Year.  2011 sucked.  Here's to something better.  Cheers!

What Xmas Should Look Like

What Christmas should look like:

Santa.... is a sexy looking silver fox type of guy, probably not older than 50.  

He's not fat.  

I'm sitting on his lap (obviously, this is Xmas after all and some traditions cannot be ignored).  

He hands me an envelope filled with cash, and says "Merry Xmas.  Here is for your rent, bills, etc."

Thanks Santa!!

What Christmas actually looked like:

Woke up alone in my bed.

Played guitar for an hour.

Went to my moms house for a great brunch with her and her friend.

Played guitar in the living room, while they did crafts in the kitchen.

Friend comes over and we head to the outdoor/refrigerated rink to skate.

We play hockey with 6 guys and hold our own just fine.

We go to Groveland Tap to get a beer.  They are closed.  

We proceed to Billy's on Grand.  They don't open till 5.
We awkwardly wait in the car for 15 minutes, till 5:05.  We don't want to seem desperate. 

We sit and talk about education, curriculum/instruction, and race for 2 hours while drinking Stone IPA.

We go back to my moms house and eat leftovers (from friend's Xmas with her family the night before).

We watch 3 quarters of the packer game, occasionally screaming, clapping or cheering.  

Friend heads home.
I head home too.

I spend several (4+) hours playing guitar and working on photos until 3:15am.

Xmas Morning

Xmas Brunch

Xmas Day

What a rad Xmas!!  Xmas Eve was good too...spent it with a few friends and family.  I had been stressed about it, not because of presents or anything, just because it's a hard time of year and I've got some shit going on that is hard to understand, let alone deal with.  <-- Which as I write that... I realize that I don't need to understand why things happen... I just need to deal with them.  

Anyhow, Christmas this year was great.  I'm lucky to have good friends and good family.  Even when I'm feeling sad... I still know that I am blessed with good people in my life.  That and I am blessed with skinny ankles.  Just sayin.  

Happy holidays everyone.  Stay safe, sane, mindful, and loving!  

Dear Higher Power, Quit Taking My Friends!

I don't understand life.  I don't understand death either, but life is bugging me right now.  Last winter, I had this horrible feeling that I wasn't going to live to see my 28th birthday.  I felt this way as I was driving west on Highway 94, right where it crosses over 280.  What a gross feeling to have, and it's happened more than once.  I don't want to die before my 28th birthday.... but for some weird reason, I have this weird feeling about it.  (As I type this, I am trying to convince myself that by writing it out.... it will make it NOT happen...because if some freak accident did happen, wouldn't it be too weird that I had written it less than 2 months before my 28th birthday?)

A friend died yesterday, which has made me think more about death, and why people die.  I was at the gym yesterday morning, watching the news, and they reported 4 deaths from a snowstorm in the southern part of the U.S.  "Man, those are 4 people's children," I thought to myself.  4 people, with histories and futures...cut short because of a car accident.  And really, that shit happens ALL THE TIME.  Who's to say that I wont get t-boned some morning on my drive to the gym, or ran over by a drunk driver some night walking home from the bar?  That scares me!  It doesn't mean I won't drive or walk anywhere or make some rash decision to lock myself up in the house...it just means that life is precious and can be taken away at any moment.

Which brings me to my next point, which I've said many times.  If you love someone, tell them.  You never really do know what is going on in someone's life/mind/reality unless you ask.  And sometimes, it's just important to tell people how you feel.  When people in my life die (I believe it's been 6 people this year), I tend to think about the experiences we shared, and what I could have done differently (if anything).  I try not to live life with regrets, but every time someone I know dies, I wonder if I gave enough to that friendship.  I wonder if the relationship reached its full potential, or if there were parts that could have been stronger.  It's depressing to think about, so I try not to dwell... some days I guess it's harder than others.

As we go into the holiday season, I feel overwhelmed.  Many people I know are stressed out, trying to find last minute gifts for loved ones.  Here's a message to my loved ones.... I'm poor, have barely enough money for food and bills.  I'm sorry but this year, you may only get hugs or handmade gifts from me.  I usually feel sad around the holidays because I miss my gramma and grampa, but this year feels different.  

2011 sucked.  Highlights: Got a rad job, got a partner, went to Guatemala, ran a few good races, got quite (physically) strong towards the end of the year.  Low points: Got laid off, got my heart broken, lost confidence, lost hope, lost trust, injured my shoulder 3 times, 6 friends died, and lost my health insurance and now owe a lot of money.

Dear 2012, I hope you are better than this year, because this year sucked.  I can't keep having shitty years, and this one was one of the worst.  

I feel like I'm drunk as I write this, because I'm all over the place.  Rest assured dear readers, I am not drunk.  I am merely frustrated.  There are definitely good things/people in my life... but sometimes I feel like it's too hard, too overwhelming, too heart-breaking.  When do things get better? And with some consistency?  I deserve to feel good.  I really believe that I do/will.

Last night I wrote a poem for a friend.  It went something like this:

Life Is Too Short

to be angry
to be sad
to be regretful
to be hurt
to be stuck.

i'm ready for what is next.

life is too short.

Goals for the Week

After a week/end of partying, sleeping in, and making fruit smoothies every morning, the following goals have been established for this week: 

1. No booze.

2. Go to the gym/run outside 5 times.

3. Do yoga 2 times.

4. Spend 30 minutes "studying" every day.

5. Do 400 sit-ups every day.
6. Take a multi-vitamin every day.

Because I am going to a 2 hour yoga workshop this afternoon, the week will start today (instead of tomorrow).  

I've spent a lot of time talking about the things I can do to be happy/healthy.  They aren't that hard.  In fact, they are quite easy, and there is indeed time for them.  It's a choice.  I was out having drinks with a friend last night, and I said to her that I should just try for one week to be healthy/positive (see list above).  One week.  That's it.  I've been alive for 1451 weeks.  I can do one week of really living with intention and mindfulness.  I talk about it all the time, but have a tough time committing.  This time, I'm going to do it.  It's just one week.  

If I feel like shit at the end of the week, I will try something else.  Honestly though, I believe that if I stick to my list, I will be just fine.