One Month

Damn, not even a month.  I'm scheduled to have surgery on my shoulder on July 12th.  I decided this yesterday, and I'm freaking out.  Okay....maybe not freaking out, but I'm one small step behind freaking out.  

This weekend is Gramma's Half Marathon.  I ran it a few years ago, and was supposed to run it again this year, but I've gotten myself injured.  Shoulder, you ask?  No... my mother fucking knee.  I tried to run 9 miles the other day, as I figured this half marathon is soon approaching and might as well cram some last minute miles in.  It didn't work.  I ran 4.5 miles, stopped at my friend's parents house for some water and then continued on.  After a block or so from my friends folks....my leg, a sharp pain, it was awful.  I kept running, because I figured I could just "run it off." 

I had to stop a few times while trying to run home.  I hate stopping when I'm running (unless I'm completely winded).  I didn't know anyone's phone number, and I needed a ride home.  I'd seen my mom driving (right about when my knee started hurting), but I didn't know where she was heading, so I couldn't call her.  I ended up running/limping/hobbling to my 10th grade student spanish teacher's house and getting a ride home from her.  It was sweet of her to help me out, but also left me feeling sad that I couldn't finish my run because the pain was so bad.

I ran last night, less than 3 miles, and was in a bit of pain.  For those familiar with a half marathon, that's 13.1 miles.  It's doable, but not worth the pain.  I figure if after a week long break (since that awful run), that running 3 miles last night hurts me.... there's no way I can run a half marathon this weekend.  I'm bummed.

So, back to this shoulder surgery thing.  I have about a month until it happens.  I'm going to have to wear a sling/immobilizer for about 6 weeks...even when I'm sleeping!  The only time I get to take it off is when I shower.  I asked the surgeon if I could run with the sling/immobilizer, and he said no.  I asked if I could bike, and he said yes, on a stationary recumbent bike.  I asked if I could do lunges and squats.  He said no.  I'm sorry, but WTF am I supposed to do?  I already know that I'm gonna gain weight and get super moody if I can't run around and be active.  (Weight gain and moodiness are two separate things).  I've long identified as an athlete, and to not be one for a while is gonna be hard.  Running around, lifting things, throwing things...that's how I release my energy.  It's going to be a true test to see what happens when I can't do any of those things.

Which brings me to my next point.... I'm gonna need help people, so listen up.  I HATE asking for help.  I hate being vulnerable, and weak, and all that business... I want to be strong, take care of others, take care of myself.... but with only one working arm for 6 months, I may need to rely on my friends a bit.  

I'm just putting that thought and that energy out in the world now.... so y'all have a heads up.  Pretty people...you can be in charge of showering me.  Fast computer people...you can do my school work for me.  Funny people... you can come over and make me laugh.  Patient people... you can listen when I complain and support me with positive thoughts and energy.  Everyone else...cash donations are fine :)

But in all seriousness... I'm terrified of this surgery.  It's not a big deal...the actual surgery, it's the recovery period that is going to suck, and the need to have other people help me out.  

I have a month before all this happens.  I have to get a lot done, including: 

Schoolwork

Camping

Playing

Living

Batting cages

Flapping my arms around like a bird

Photography

I'm sure there's more...but I think for now my priority has to be schoolwork.  I know as soon as I'm in this immobilizer... I'll want to do my work, but not be able to, because I'll be typing with only my left hand.  That said, I need to get as much done as possible, now!  That means a little less playing, and a little more working.  

Totally recovery for my shoulder is supposed to be around 6 months.  That includes 6 weeks in a sling/immobilzer, 3 months of physical therapy/light movement, and a few more months of resting it.  It's gonna be a wicked long 6 months...but if I ever want to throw overhand again, or be able to lay in bed without my shoulder falling out of the socket, I have to get this surgery and rehab it like crazy.  

The next 4 weeks are going to be fun....as I gotta get all this energy and movement out of my system.  Oh yeah, and get my school stuff done too.  If you have ideas, for the next month, or the following 6 months after that, let me know!  

PS if you or anyone you know want's to run gramma's half this weekend, hit me up ASAP.

Yes, I look white.  No, it's not intentional.  This photo was not taken for the blog, but the blog did need a photo.  Self Portrait: 06.14.2012

Bad Dreams, Good Lessons

Last winter, I had a heart to heart with a friend of mine, in which I told him that I often feel like I'm waiting for something bad to happen, so that I am forced to make positive changes in my life.  I of course don't want anything bad to happen, but it just happens to work out that when someone in my life leaves...I go into flight or fight response (?) and get all excited about getting my life together and "being somebody."  My friend said to have my own funeral.  He said, take all the negative things about you, and bury them.  Brilliant, I thought!

Last night I dreamed that a dear friend died.  She was killed, but I didn't get the details.  It was heart wrenching.  I woke up several times, after crying in my dreams.  And then each time, I would go back to sleep, only to cry more.  "I miss her, I should have called her, I love her and her family."  I felt so many regrets.  It's weird, because in real life, I was actually going to call her yesterday.  In my dream, I remembered this, and thought "I should have called her yesterday, and now I'm a day too late."  

Have you ever had those feelings after someone dies?  The feeling that maybe you should have told that person how much you loved them, how important they were in your life, how much you appreciated and valued their friendship?  Have you ever had regrets about not saying those things, or not making the effort to reach out?  I have, on occasion.

This morning once I finally woke up and got out of bed, I realized that it's not too late to call my friend, which brings me to my next point.

Stopping by.  I recently learned that a newish friend is a "stopper-by-er" meaning that she likes when people just stop by for a visit, unexpected.  I like that too!  In all the calendars I carry (two of them), and how organized and timed my life actually is... I really appreciate the spontaneity in life.  

There's a quote that says: “The best things in life are unexpected, because there were no expectations.” -Eli Khamarov.  I like this, because I often do find that some of the things that bring me the greatest joy are those unplanned events/meetings/adventures.  I want more of that in my life.

I've been realizing more and more how blessed I am.  I have really good people in my life.  And while I think I sometimes do a good job of letting people know that I love them and care for them, it never hurts to say it again.  

It's memorial day weekend...a time to remember the people we lost in war, but also in general, I think.  Additionally, it's a time to remember and acknowledge the people that are still here with us.  A simple phone call, or stopping by a friends house may be all that it takes.  

That Gut-Checking-Midwestern-Woman

Occasionally, I'm out and about and see a woman who I get that "feeling in the gut."  There can be 2 kinds of feelings.... one is a "Oooh damn, she's hot."  The other is, "Ohhh damn, she's sweet."  Now, a note to the hot women who are also sweet...I'm not saying you can't have one and not the other...just stick with me on this.

There's a certain woman who gives me that feeling of innocence, of good intent, of "man, she's worked hard and has this innocent look to her, or this very intentional look" or something like that.  I can't really explain it.  It's this feeling in me that I get, of this woman is doing her best...I should really be doing my best. 

In my head, and I guess in my experience, she's a middle age (in her 60's) white lady who might be a bit on the round side, and she does cute shit like wear socks with sandals (which if you're my age...not so cute....when you're middle age, kinda cute).  She's the lady that when you look at her, she just looks like she has some really good intentions.

Note to my brown and black people...I'm not saying that I don't get this same gut-check-innocent feeling around brown and black women....cuz I do.  But this blog I guess is more specific to white women, maybe.  (don't hate...i'm calling it as i'm feeling it at this moment).  

Anyhow, it's like when I see this woman (who can appear in many ways), I don't know exactly what happens.  I think part of me misses my gramma, and part of me misses my mom.  It makes me think of the things I do in my life, the good and the bad.  It makes me want to try harder, not get angry, not get sad, etc.  It makes me want to be happy...like they are.  <-- Are they really happy?  I don't know.

I wanted to post a picture of the person I am describing, but there is no one person...so I did what anyone in my shoes would do.  I went to the online Lane Bryant catalog.  I know white women from the midwest who shop at Lane Bryant...and that's the women I'm talking about (who give me that feeling that I need to quit messing around and really get my life together).  But, to very little surprise, the Lane Bryant ladies didn't capture the image I was looking for.

Lane Bryant

So then I get a little more honest in my google search.  Show me.... "Middle Aged Fat White Lady With Short Hair" which got me to this, which is also not the look I was going for. 

Google Image Search has let me down

One last try... "Midwestern Typical Mom Short Hair."  The first photo that popped up was Laura Bush.  Sorry, but she is definitely not the woman who I'm talking about in this situation.

I don't know why pink Rollberblades are on here

I think the reason that this feeling arises for me when I see (some) middle age, Midwestern, sort of round, socks with sandals, adorned in Lane Bryant outfits... is because it reminds me of my mom and my gramma, two woman who I love, respect and admire so greatly. 

I'm in tears now as I write this, because I can see my mom and her friends initially getting tense as I stereotype a group of (round-white) women.... but in this instance, it's out of love.  When I see people who look like my mom, or who remind me of my gramma...it makes me think of all the bullshit I put them through when I was a kid, and how I wish I could take those things back, and could have been the perfect kid growing up (...like my sister).  But...for better or for worse, I am who I am. 

I was out with my friend Heidi on Sunday, and we were talking about relationships (friendly ones, broken ones, intimate ones, etc), and she said to me, "It's harder to be who you're not."  

My friend is right...it is indeed harder to be someone you are not.  I am me.  I can't change or fix the past, but I certainly can learn from my mistakes and the pain I've caused not only myself but the people that I love.  

As I move forward from here, I wonder what it is that is going to be the true change maker.  I wait and wait and wait for something BIG to happen, something life changing.  I don't need to wait.  I need to act.

I want to thank you (whoever you are) for reading this post.  It didn't go the direction I thought it would, but I appreciate being able to put my words and energy out into the world for people to know the real me.  For better or for worse... thank you for letting me be me.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

Lets hope, huh?

So...it's May 1st today.  It's weird to think that four months have already happened this year.  And minus getting a new job, and meeting some cool people, this year has kind of sucked.

I've been listening to a lot of new music lately....on one playlist...on repeat.  Go figure.  The last week or so, it's been a lot of female pop/rock artists singing "fuck you, i'm a strong woman, i don't need you" kind of stuff.  Like this song... that I am not ashamed to say... I like the video...makes me want to fist pump and dance in the streets.

 

Oh, and there's also this song....which seems all too fucking real sometimes...which reminds me, I want to write a blog about abandonment-- by friends, lovers, mothers, etc.  I don't have it in me tonight...but hopefully sometime soon.

Like I said, today is May 1st.  Time for a good month.  I'm ready for one.  This month is dedicated to getting my ass back on track, in terms of school, working out, and living life as it should be.  

Oh, and as far as my music goes...if you happen to be on spotify, and have cool playlists, let me know?  I'm always looking to expand my music listening experience.  That....and I think learning what people listen to is a super intimate and beautiful way to know someone.

30 Day of Biking Completed!

I did it.  I said.... I DID IT!!  I set out to ride my bike every day in the month of April, and get this....I did it.  Feels kind of good.  It was much less of a physical challenge than it sounds (as some days, I merely rode around the block).  It was however a challenge and test of discipline and time management.  I like challenges like this.... ones that are doable, but can be a true test of creativity and imagination as well.  I didn't write on my blog for about a month, because I felt like I couldn't write without posting photos, but I didn't want to post only some of the bike photos.  So...here they are...all 30 photos of my bike this month.

Day 1 - Fueled by Spontaneity

Day 2 - Fueled by Jameson

Day 3 - Fueled by Friends

Day 4 - Fueled by a Busy Schedule

Day 5 - Fueled by Dreams of Justice

Day 6 - Fueled by Momentum

Day 7 - Fueled by History

Day 8 - Fueled by Desperation

Day 9 - Fueled by Mega Churches in Suburbs

Day 10 - Fueled by Nordeast

Day 11 - Fueled by Extra Innings

Day 12 - Fueled by Pessimism

Day 13 - Fueled by Separation

Day 14 - Fueled by 94.

Day 15 - Fueled by Irritating Commitment and Guilt

Day 16 - Fueled by Vegetarians

Day 17 - Fueled by Memories

Day 18 - Fueled by Tacos

Day 19 - Fueled by Being Different

Day 20 - Fueled by Pedal Pubs for One

Day 21 - Fueled by Rain Delays

Day 22 - Fueled by Earth Day + Clean Air

Day 23 - Fueled by Lost Childhoods

Day 24 - Fueled by Blue Skies

Day 25 - Fueled by Jesus

Day 26 - Fueled by Emptiness

Day 27 - Fueled by Life

Day 28 - Fueled by Deadlines

Day 29 - Fueled by Small Worlds

Day 30 - Fueled by 30 Days of Biking Completed!!

30 Days of Biking

There's this online challenge to ride your bike everyday in the month of April.  I've decided to do it.  You can find out more HERE.

The idea is to ride everyday, and distance doesn't matter.  The part I don't really understand is how you report it.  The instructions say to share it online...but does that mean a quick one liner about where I went?  Or a photo?  Or a big long detailed story?  I'm not sure... 

Yesterday, I went on a ride with my friend G.  We rode to the river and sat by Tony's rock, talking about life, women, men, school, etc.  It was a beautiful day, with a beautiful friend.  I'm not sure if I'll blog about my rides everyday, but the plan is definitely to get on my bike everyday.  We'll see how it goes!

April 1, 2012.  Day 1 of the bike challenge. 

0.03 Percent Update

I spoke with a (teacher) friend about my most recent blog post.  "Do you think I'm a jerk?" I asked her.  She said no.  I asked what she would have done if in my shoes...

I would have said "Well, we better get you signed up for a lot of basketball teams then, because it's going to take a lot of practice to play pro basketball," she told me.  She also told me that to be an "expert" at anything, research says it takes about 20,000 hours of practice.  Wow.  That's a lot of practice.

I saw the kid a few days later, walking with his peers.  "Hey," I hollered out.  "I found the statistics on playing professional basketball."  He and his friends stopped to listen.  "0.03 percent," I told him.  His friends laughed.  "That's less than 1 percent, dude, so it's gonna take some work.  If you're not already, you may want to sign up for a couple of basketball teams, and start thinking about when you can practice.  It takes 20,000 hours to become an expert at something, so consider how you might manage your time.  It may mean working out before school, going to school, doing homework, and then practicing for an additional 3-4 hours."  

"Daaaayum," his friends said, "that's a lot of practice."  "It is, but if you want to play pro ball, you gotta put in the work.  And I'm happy to support you as best I can...you just have to let me know what you need from me."  "Cool," he said, and walked down the hall with his friends.  "20,000 hours, damn bro, you got hella work to do," his friend yelled out.  

I felt okay about this conversation.... I didn't crush the dudes dreams.  I offered a few suggestions, and my support.  That's about all I really can do.  It will be interesting to see what he does in the future.  I wish him all the best.  (<-- and not in the "save the children" kind of way, but in that I hope he follows his dreams and feels supported and cared for). He deserves it.