Observations

I just filled up my ice cube tray with (brita) filtered water.

I got frustrated today, because I wasn't practicing loving kindness towards myself.

That reminded me of an Alanis Morrisette song.  You know the one.

I just poured a shot of Makers Mark, with 2 ice cubes (from a bag, not the ice cube tray).

I finally got a new journal.

It's not the one I wanted, but I don't care.  It's a close second.

I've been listening to Florence and the Machine Lately.

I'm going to the Lauryn Hill concert in a couple weeks.  

I doubt she (Lauryn) is worth the money.

You only live once.

I've been fighting off a winter funk.

I can feel it trying to creep up on me.  What a creep.  

I was supposed to run a half marathon in Saint Paul on January 29.

That's crazy. 

I wrote to the race director and am getting my registration changed to the 10k.

I lost weight over the winter holiday.

I might be the only person I know who can say that.

I wish it was summer and I was fishing.

Today is January 6.  There are several months till summer.  

I need to start being more creative.

This means taking more photos.

Writing more music.

Writing more in general.

And perhaps doing some visual art.

I suck at visual art.

That's beside the point.

I want to cut my hair short.

I'm trying to wait until it's long enough to donate.

I don't like waiting.

I got a pair of dangling earrings for xmas.

I've been wearing them with a merino wool beanie.  

It works.

I want to go to more potlucks.

There's a potluck tonight.

I'm skipping it.

I might go to the pub instead.

I feel like I should write.

The kind of writing that is too close to my heart to share.

In trying to balance heart and mind, I've forgotten body and soul.

1.29.09 (winter depression)

I was at the hexagon bar, on 1.29.09, drinking whiskey, listening to natives yell and a black dude, the black dude yell at the white dudes, and the white dudes yelling at everyone. It was awful. I wrote a poem that day, about my winter depression. It went like this:

My winter depression, it has arrived,
no sounding horns or warning sign.
Comes out of nowhere, like an STD,
Comes totally unwelcome,
like a teen pregnancy.
Its showed up each year,
for over a decade,
It comes every fall,
w/the queen of spades.
I play my hand,
my mind plays me.
I rest my head,
don't care who sees.

----------------------------------------------

Yesterday (12.01.09) I felt a same kind uglyness. The difference this year, is that it's now December and we don't have snow! We had a nasty october, with maybe a few inches... but then November was warm (comparatively).

How can I be in a winter depression so soon?? It's December 2nd today, and I feel 75% better than I did last night. I hope this (better feeling) sticks (like snow should).

A question to those reading..... How do you get out of your head, on those hard days? Those long, dark days, when nothing seems to matter. When the outside looks so uninviting, and then inside is just depressing. What do you do?

Yesterday, I worked on a cover letter/resume for a while. I got about 1.5 hours worth of work done.... in 4 or 5 hours. It was that kind of day. It turned around when my friend came over later in the night, and we starting watching "To Wong Foo" with Patrick Swayze. We couldn't finish it, because I got hungry (and he got thirsty) and we had to fix that. If he wouldn't have come over last night.... the day would have been completely miserable.

We can't always count on others to help us out of a rut. Day to day, it's okay to lean on people, sure... but it can't be day after day. At least not in my book.

So what do we do? What do you do? Have you ever had a day/weekend/week/month where you couldn't get yourself going? When you couldn't find the motivation?

If you live in MN, I'd be willing to bet you've had at least a few of these instances. If you live in the moment, I'd imagine you've had a few also. So....what have you done for yourself? What have you done for others?


self portrait 12.02.09