This day is dedicated to sweatpants...

I don't have cravings too often, but when I do, they are strong. This morning, I woke up craving a totino's pizza...you know the ones, they cost about $1.50 and are made of cheap ingredients. My homegirl Ashley and I used to eat them all the time when we were in jr. high. (We ate everything back then).

Anyhow, I woke up with this craving, and figured what the heck...might as well indulge.

I got dressed (i.e. put some clothes on over my pajamas), and walked to the corner shop. "Good morning," I said to the guy who works there. He wished me a good morning as well. I walked over to the deep freezer with the pizza's, and there was nothing in there. I chuckled, and walked around the store and didn't see any pizza anywhere. Was this some kind of joke?

"Where's the pizza?" I asked. He told me they ran out, and a new delivery was coming tomorrow. I smiled....serves me right for craving pizza at 9 something in the morning.

Oh, I should note, that as I was putting on my shoes to walk to the store, I thought to myself I might get hit by a car on this pizza run.... and not in some messed up suicidal way, but in that I was so tired, I could just see someone running me over cuz I wasn't paying attention.

I tend to feel things very acutely, and so for just a moment, I thought maybe I should forgo the pizza. But then I thought better of it. I needed breakfast, and I might as well risk it. Right?

Since there were no pizza's at the corner store, I got a chicken cordon bleu-- I haven't had one for years. I also grabbed a can of diet coke. So random. I've been having headaches all week this past week (tuesday-wednesday were the worst I've ever had, EVER), and so I've been trying to be more conscious about what I eat....which for the record, I eat pretty well. I don't eat much-- but the stuff I do eat is good for me. <-- this is why I thought having some pizza today would be okay.... just not trying to make it a habit.

As I walked to the store today, I thought "This day is dedicated to sweatpants," because it really feels like a sweatpants day. My plans today include working on an essay for school, going to the gym, and doing a crossword puzzle. Oh, and tea with Nicole when she gets here (soon). My point is...all of today's activities can be enjoyed while wearing sweats.

I'm tired... I stayed up last night watching Hugh Grant movies. I used to not like him at all-- but now, well, I kind of find him charming (which is probably why I didn't like him initially). Anyhow, I stayed up late (2am) watching "About a Boy" and "Did you Hear About the Morgans." I think once I get some food and some caffeine in me, I'll feel better. Wishing everyone a lovely sunday! Oh...we got one helluva snow storm last weekend...I took some photos. I'll post them soon.

On a roll...

I was really on a roll last week, with my blog posts. Not so much this week. It isn't that things are horrible...no, things are pretty good. I guess I've just been busy with work. Oh, and running. I've found this new love of running outside at night in the freezing cold. Sounds crazy, right? I suppose it is, but it's also a really meditative feeling for me. I am typically scared of running at night, especially in the summer, because I don't want to get kidnapped. In the winter though, there's not as much foot traffic, and the general pace of life seems to be a bit slower.

And... truth be told... I'm getting sick of running on the treadmill at the gym. When I worked out at lifetime, I used to be able to run for an hour no problem, because they have TV's. It was simple... just watch a football game, or some shitty television show... time flew. At the gym I go to now, there are no TV's. And no music. It's quiet, minus the grunting and small talk people engage in. I used to be content on the treadmill, making goofy faces at myself and passing the time that way... but not anymore.

I've got a "study date" in half an hour. She's working on law school stuff, and I'm working on my school stuff. I have to bring head phones or I'll just want to talk the whole time. I like studying with folks in law school...cuz they are always studying! I met with one of my evaluators (for my project) earlier this week, which was really great to catch up and get some inspiration as well.

It's supposed to snow this weekend...they are talking 6-12 inches on Saturday. Wow. Oh, and apparently Sunday it is going to be below zero temperatures. Oh the joys of winter in Minnesota. It's funny, because so many of us complain about it each year.... yet we stay. I personally don't mind the snow...it's the cold I don't like. That said, I spent 50 bucks today on sierra trading post for a few pairs of socks and a couple of hats. I need to get some winter boots yet... perhaps that is something I should do today after studying. So long sneaker weather.

"Love is not a feeling, it's an ability"

I am at a coffee shop right now editing my major paper for school. It's exciting, and long, and filled with grammatical mistakes. I love it. And I hate it.

I am going to Southside Family School this afternoon, to give Susie a look at what I've been writing.... and to talk to the kids about all the sweet work happening at Penumbra. The mission at Southside is very similar to the mission of Summer Institute, so I'm gonna take some time today to rap about it. I'm excited! It's my first official "in class visit" where I'm promoting the Summer Institute program. Woot!!

Anyhow, as I was reading through my essay, I came across the following, and felt the need to share it. Here ya go! Oh...and it's from "week 1" at Southside, two years ago.


That day, there was a saying written on the board that read, “Love is not a feeling, it’s an ability.” To me this was a sign that the atmosphere at Southside, specifically in Susie’s classroom was one that we would be able to love and learn together. It reassured me that whatever the students would bring next week, in terms of questions and directions to guide the following month and a half of exploring New Orleans, it would be out of love and a sincere desire to learn with one another and grow together.

an·nun·ci·a·tion

It's no secret that I can sometimes be shy, mumble a bit, whatever....I know it's something I need to work on, especially at my new gig.

I called my sister last night, and left her a voicemail message. Apparently her phone is connected to her computer, because she wrote me an email back, including a transcript of my message. Here's what it said... (click the image to make it bigger).



So clearly, that is not what I said. Granted, it's a computer listening to my voice and transcribing it, and I'm no robot, so there's going to be some errors, but dang. It really reaffirms that I need to work on my presenting voice and my annunciation. A lot.

What a good day looks like

I had a pretty good day today. Here's what it looked like.

7am. Woke up an hour before my alarm went off.
8am. Ate a bowl of cereal, in bed.
9am. Walked to work.
9:05am. Worked.
12:15pm. Walked to the co-op and back to work.
12:45pm. Ate and did a crossword.
1pm. Worked. Hard.
4:30pm. Walked home from work.
5pm. Ran 3.5 miles at the gym.
6pm. Showered. Ate.
7pm. Crossword puzzle. Burned some sage. Sat in front of a space heater.

It's now 9:03pm. I'm tempted to start watching "Born Into Brothels", which is my movie of the moment compliments of Netflix. A glass of bourbon sounds good too. I may opt out of both however, do some stretching and go to bed early. Perhaps I will lay in bed and read for a while. I'm not sure yet.

Things are kind of funky in my life right now... I'm seeing a lot of chaos around me. It's hard to watch. When I was at the gym tonight, everything smelled so strong. And granted, it's the gym and things are going to smell...but every different smell there was so distinct and powerful. It was overwhelming. My senses, both smell and spacial are really sensitive right now. I'm feeling things much more acutely. In a way it's kind of cool.... being so aware of things. In another way however, it's kind of annoying. Sometimes, I just want to walk through the world untouched, unaware. You know?

I suppose when it comes down to it...I embrace these heightened awareness. I think it's better that way. I could be wrong, but I don't care. I'm gonna go with it.

Oh Em Gee - Mahalia is dead!

OMG stands for Oh My God, which is what people say when things are good, bad, or shocking. I'm having an OMG moment as we speak.

Today is Sunday, which means that while some are out to church, and others are tailgating, I am home, in my pajamas listening to Mahalia Jackson on vinyl. I often joke that I listen to Mahalia on Sundays in lieu of going to church. Well...today, it's true. Besides, I don't really go to church. I mean, I have. When I was little we went to a Unitarian church. But then pastor (?) moved, so we followed him (or her, I don't remember, I was just a kid), but it was too far of a commute, so we quit going to church.

Over the last 2-3 years, I've gone to church a few times. I went with the ever-speedy Ladia a couple of times. She would go in big part for the music, but also because of her dedication to God. I went with her to hear the music, to learn more about her, and to learn more about Christianity. I went to a mosque with my buddy Aziz a year ago. I was taking a class with Jim Laine (hilarious man, if you ever get a chance to take a class with him, I recommend it) and we had to go to a service/place of worship that was different from our own. I wasn't able to participate in the service at the Mosque, because I am a woman, but I was able to observe, which was really cool. (Note: before you judge, keep in mind I wouldn't be able to take communion at a Catholic service either).

I also went to a couple different Evangelical services with my friend Shari. Girl can sing... which is mostly why I went. One of the services we went to was in Bryn Mawr, at a school auditorium.... I remember taking notes (which are in an old journal somewhere), and being really pleased with the messages being shared. To me, they were less about God and more about people. I felt like I could relate to a lot of the things being said. (This is weird, because when I think of Evangelical, I think of people trying to push their beliefs on to me...but when I was there, I didn't feel that way).

I used to live half a block from a Presbyterian church...so I went there a handful of times. I figured since I'd been to all the other places in the neighborhood (bars, coffee shop, etc), I should check out the church as well. The people there were very nice, and welcoming...yet they didn't push their religion on me. One old woman (probably in her 80's) asked me what my home church was, and I said I didn't have one. She asked what religion I was raised with, and I said I wasn't. She still served me a cup of coffee... and didn't feel the need to preach. I appreciated that.

I live close to the cathedral, but have not been there for services. I went once on a tour with one of my group home girls, and that was interesting. I stopped and talked to some protesters a couple weeks ago over there, who were upset about the DVD condemning homosexuality. I don't know what difference protesting makes, but I think it's good that they came together and had a physical presence.

This weekend, I declared it "Pajama Weekend". That means no church clothes... only pajamas and gym clothes. Feeling like I should "embrace my spiritual side", I tried playing some Mahalia Jackson this morning. It didn't work. It was warped. I yanked a few other records from the stack, and they were also warped. This initiated the OMG response...the OMG Mahalia is warped, dead, done, over. Ugh. What a terrible feeling. I hollered at my boy Adrian and he agreed with my plan to put each record under my heavy set of speakers for a while so they flatten out. Andy Wilbourn told me the same thing too, a while ago, when I was in denial of any record warping damage.

So....I now have a year long task ahead of me.... flatten out these records. Some I don't care if they get fixed. Some I can repurchase for a dollar at Landfill Records. Others, a digital version will suffice. And there's a few yet...that just can't be replaced with MP3/digital versions. A few like Mahalia, Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye, etc...

We shall see what happens. Maybe this is a sign that I should sell my turntables, and use my desk for studying, rather than spinning. Truth be told... I don't spin records. Well, sometimes I mess around with mixing, but that isn't very often. Mostly, I just let the record play itself...which usually is enough to make me happy. Today though, I am not happy... because as you know, music makes my world go 'round, and while sure I have a lot of music on my computer, nothing compares to the sounds of Mahalia, Marvin, Stevie, Janis, Joni.... on wax.

One pink sweater at a time....

A couple weeks ago, I mentioned in a blog that I needed some business casual clothes... I didn't think anything would come of it. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Last summer, in one of the most random moments of my life, I ran (part of) 193 miles with 12 people I had never met before. I don't think I wrote about it, which is a shame, because it was an experience like no other. Regardless, I made some new friends at this race. One of them, Alicia read my blog about needing clothes. She said she could help me out...and did she ever!!

I am sitting on my couch right now, wearing one of about a dozen cashmere sweaters she outfitted me with. In my closet are now 5 more pairs of heels that I started with (bringing the grand total to 6). I went to the western suburbs to check out "some sweaters" that Alicia had set aside for me...and holy smokes! To say it was overwhelming wouldn't be accurate... but it was something pretty close.

"Some of this might be too 'girly' for you", she said. I told her I'm trying to embrace my feminine side, so this will be good. As I sorted through a bed full of clothes, I unintentionally pushed the pinks and pastel colors aside. I didn't realize it until taking a step back. Alicia gave me 5 pairs of heels too, one of which I tried to do some house cleaning in yesterday. I didn't last long in heels (about 30 seconds), so I'm going to need some more practice before stepping out in the real world.

I am blessed. Really. So blessed. I've got a few women in my life right now, that are helping me become more aware of how I carry myself, how I present myself, how I work with what I've got. It's been amazing, and I am learning so much. I'm so thankful.

When I was little, I would run around in basketball shorts and tee-shirts. I still do, occasionally.... which I think is fine (occasionally). Frankly, I can rock both looks... I can do jeans with my grampa's button up and a jacket. Or I can work a dress (it's the walking in heels that kills me). And as I am experiencing more sides of life, I am learning that it's good to be able to go back and forth between the two. I'm also learning how important "presentation" is.

Argh... this blog isn't going where I want it to go. I've got a lot on my mind right now, and didn't sleep well.... so this is more "jumbled" than I'd hoped. I played guitar last night for a couple hours...it was good. I need to play more often (piano too). It's a good outlet for me, as is running, which I haven't been doing enough of lately. I need to pick a race, I think that's the problem. I have no upcoming races, it's 30 degrees and icy outside, and my motivation is low. When I run, I feel good about myself. When I dress nice, I feel good about myself. When I feel good about myself, I am productive, loving, and happy.

I'm going to embrace these feelings one pink sweater at a time...