Eulogy: A letter to my grampa

I wrote this after my grampa died. I was 20. My best friend (amelia), her sister Rosie read this at their service. (my gramma and grampa died within a week of eachother-- yes, that's real love-- and so we had their service together).

I can't believe she read it. It meant the world to me...and she was so young...so brave. Thank you Rosalie, you may never know how much your courage meant to me.

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You’ve been my hero, my love, and my best friend. All of that in an 88-year man, with a big round belly. Who knew I’d fall in love with such a character?

Without you these past 4 months, a wave of loneliness has swept over me. I feel incomplete. You’ve been so much to me.

You’ve been the father I never had, you’ve been the hero I’ve always admired, and you’ve been the best friend that I’ve always needed.

I hope you know how much I love you.

I loved fishing with you, except for the time I fell through the hole in the ice.

I loved bowling with you at the student center, even though I’d always quit after half a game and make a run for the snack bar.

I loved sitting on your lap while we watched football. I got too big to sit on your lap, but we didn’t care, I’d squish you anyway.

I loved playing catch with you in the front yard, you jumping in the air after my wild throws, and chasing after balls headed to the neighbors yard.

I didn’t so much love when you made me stand outside on the deck, one cold winter night, because I didn’t finish my vegetables at dinner. You probably forgot about that by now. I didn’t.

I loved that you would come to my hockey games, and lay out the blanket for grandma and you to sit on. I could never focus on games when you were there, because I was always so happy and proud you were in the stands. Sometimes you’d clap when the other team scored. You were so nice.

I loved helping you get dressed at 7am this summer…but loved it more when you were still sleeping and I’d push your legs over and climb in bed with you.

I loved your big belly…sorry I always joked about you swallowing a bowling ball.

I loved that you showed me how to artificially inseminate a chicken, long before I knew what insemination was.

I loved yours and Kirk’s panicked reaction when I got carsick on the way to Canada. Y’all had no idea how to help the sick 10 year old Indian in the back seat.

I loved it this summer, when I asked you what your favorite music was, and you said “hip hop”.

I loved that I was your sweetie and you were my dude.

I loved holding your hand. I’d do anything to hold your fat, old, dry hands again.

I loved that you’d call me a smart ass, but never held it against me.

I loved that you were the “ladies man” of the nursing home. That’s quite the honor.

I loved that we shared clothes…well, that you let me take all your sweaters and button up shirts.

I loved your “women want me, fish fear me” shirt. I wear it when I miss you.

I loved that you promised me a jeep wrangler when I graduated college.

We both knew I wouldn’t graduate college in your lifetime.

I loved when I’d try to drink whisky and eat dry burnt toast with you, but couldn’t stomach it. You’d laugh, I’d grimace.

I loved that funny smell you always had. Old man smell.

I loved saying “stay out of trouble” when I’d leave the nursing home, and you’d sit there with a huge grin on your face because we both knew the kinds of trouble you could get into.

I miss you Grandpa. And I love you, so much. You mean the world and beyond to me.

I will never forget you, the love of my life, my super hero, my best friend.


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It's hard for me to read this, and know it's been almost 6 years since my grampa died. It still feels like yesterday. He was the one person who understood me. He was my love.

Without him, i feel lost....yet, without him, I am inspired, to take it one step further. I want to make him proud.

One of many...

One of many reasons I don't update my blog very often is because I have terrible internet connection. That is...I use my neighbors, and it's slow/unpredictable. Also...the only place my computer can get online is when it's on the back of my couch. If you happen to have a laptop, put it on the back of your couch, and try using it there for a while. I know I could write on a word document and then just upload it to my blog, but that's not the point.

I'm getting my own internet today!! I've been wanting to get internet for years, but have never had the funds to do so. Now that I'm rolling in the "big bucks" at my new job I can actually afford it. What this means, is I am not limited to sitting sideways/backwards on my couch. Nope, this time I'll be able to do like most people with laptops do... I'll be able to check my email while I'm in the bathroom, or making dinner, or still in bed. Ha!

Anyhow, I hope to update more often with this new luxury. This weekend I am going to visit my homegirl, Ardes Shea. She's a riot, who I can barely keep up with. I'm excited for our slumber party. Last night I took pictures for a quilt binding event at work. The dozen women who came were beautiful in their own, unique way. And...they all brought food. Yummo!! Tonight I am taking pictures for a corporate event being held at the zoo. I wonder if I'll get an elephant ride out of it?

A friend and I spoke (briefly) last night about going to India. That was always my plan.... to go volunteer at my orphanage after I graduated college...which was supposed to happen a few years ago, I guess. We'll see. I'm slowly making progress on my schoolwork. I'd like to have my projects done by winter break. Scratch that... I WILL HAVE MY PROJECTS DONE BY WINTER BREAK.

With my new job...I'm finding that I need to update my wardrobe. If anyone has business/casual attire they no longer use, hit me up. I'm pretty small...but have long limbs. Either that, or if anyone wants to shop with me, give a shout.... I usually don't last but an hour, so hopefully you are similar. (I love my sister, but damn the woman can shop! I can't keep up, so I don't try).

Lastly, I went camping with Chris and Andy Wilbourn a couple weekends ago. Sheesh, it was COLD! It must have dipped below freezing at night. (I know people camp in much harsher weather than that). In fact, Chris and I spoke that night about what it would be like to be homeless, and sleeping in the cold without the comfort of a tent or a sleeping bag. Very sad to think about, but important to remember as well.

I took pictures while we were there. (We all took pictures, actually). I will try and have those edited by early next week. I've got a lot on my plate for photography right now, so I might as well take it on all at once!

Hope folks in MN reading this are enjoying the nice weather we've been having. Rumor is, it's gonna get colder soon. I'll believe it when I see it. (I'm currently sitting-backwards- on my couch, with a space heater on my back, so I guess I'll see it soon enough).

Cheers and love!!

As of late.

Things I have been thinking about lately.... (but haven't written down until now). Oops.

PS These are in no particular order of importance or otherwise.



1. Why fathers/men name their kids after them, but women do not. I've never met a "Sally Jr", or Melinda III. Have you.

2. Gay kids killing themselves. If you haven't been thinking about this, you haven't been paying attention. Last week there was a vigil at Loring Park that I went to with a friend of mine. There were a couple hundred people there, maybe more. My candle kept blowing out. The vigil was nice, but what does it do? Ideally, at least one part of it could be that people who were feeling shitty about who they are, could go and see that they are loved and supported. There was lots of talk about how "we" need to teach others to be tolerant and teachers need to step in, etc... but I'd be willing to bet that those who needed to hear such things were not at the vigil.

3. My new job is amazing. I met some of the kids, they are brilliant. I am excited for my future.

4. Yep, I said it. I am excited for my future. :)

5. I ran twin cities 10 mile race a couple weeks ago. My goal was 80 minutes. I ran 80 minutes and 52 seconds. I didn't meet my goal, but I did have a mimosa at mile 8. <--- I wouldn't have made my goal even if I skipped the mimosa, so don't hate.

6. I've been trying to de-clutter my apartment. One of the things I struggle with is what to do with my grampa's clothes. Some of his sweaters and button ups, I will wear. Others, I probably wont, but I can't throw them out. I talked to a friend the other day, and she suggested I make hats and mittens out of the sweaters I wont wear. I think this is a fabulous idea! I need to learn how to knit though.... anyone want to teach me? Also, if you are a man, with a frame bigger than me (not hard, i know), you can have these button up shirts. Get at me. I don't want to give them to the goodwill (I have other stuff to give to the goodwill). I want to give them to friends.... cuz they are important to me.

7. I need to learn how to let go.

8. I 'm trying to eat more. If you are reading this, and we are friends.... hit me up. Lets cook dinner or go to a happy hour. :)

9. I've been listening to the music that I wrote. Some of it is good. I want to make more music.

10. I got a skateboard. I rode it once, a half a block. I should ride it more, especially before it snows!

11. I need a headshot for work.

12. I need to get internet at my house. I can finally afford it!

13. We are winterizing the garden today. I'm already wearing my overalls.

14. My cousin got married a month and a half ago. I did the wedding photography. It's a lot of work. Good work, but a lot of work. I was happy with how the day went and how the photos turned out. He was too :)

15. I still need running partners. I've been running with a couple of dudes, and it's been great. It needs to happen more often. Holla!

16. I'd been feeling kind of dejected lately, because I'm not as into politics as I used to be. I felt like I was less of a person/citizen, cuz I don't see the point of door knocking and bleeding heart and soul over politicians who really dont give a F*#$ about ya. I realized though... I do still care about the ways of the world, and the future, and that my way of being politically active is through teaching. I may not hold up signs on the franklin bridge, or go to conventions or rallies... but I do talk to kids and the work I am doing know is all about supporting them and their projects for creating social change. That is how I can be an activist.

17. I don't have a TV, so I'm not seeing all the political ads that are abuzz. This makes me happy.

18. This year, I am going to become a member of MPR. I can finally afford it. This also makes me happy.

19. Clearly, I am procrastinating. It's my day off. I need to finish sorting laundry, get new running shoes, help my mom winterize the garden, and ideally start working on my school work.

20. I will try to update my blog more often. I know I make that promise a lot.... but now that it's getting cooler out, and I'll have a stable internet connection at my place... I think writing will be less of a chore. We'll see.

How Skateboarding Almost got Ruined by Perverts

I want to get a skateboard. Actually, I want to get a longboard. There are several places within a mile of my house, that I like to frequent. Walking there is fine, I do it often, but I also get bored pretty fast. Biking there is easy, though short, and sometimes not worth the effort (...where did I put my lock, where is my helmet, the front tire might have a leak, etc). Driving seems like a waste of time, especially as it getting cooler, and my car wouldn't even have enough time to get warm. I can run to all of these (elusive-unnamed) places, but arriving sweaty and out of breath is not always my first choice.

My solution to all of this is to get a longboard, obviously. Of course, a longboard will only be able to be ridden for half of the year or less. It doesn't work so well in snow and ice, nor does riding in the rain leave one with a flattering look and windblown locks.

Upon doing a google search of longboards, I found hundreds of different options, varying in style/price/materials. So what do I choose? I have no idea. Part of me also wonders if buying a longboard is worth it. Maybe I should get a regular skateboard, so I have a little more flexibility in its use (in case I decide to practice and compete in X-Games). Yeah right. Anyhow, my point is, I have no idea what I want.

I was at my moms the other day, and there were a bunch of kids in the neighborhood on their boards. During the summer, I swear that is all they do. I miss those days, granted I wasn't on a skateboard when I was a kid. I was usually off scrapping with the boys, or pissing off the tennis snobs by playing roller hockey on the courts. Anyhow, it occurred to me, that the best way to find out what kind of skateboard I want is not to read countless reviews online, but to just go out and find people who will let me try out theirs.

So here is the problem. As kids, we were told not to talk to strangers... cuz for every X amount of awesome and well intentioned people, there is gonna be some perverted d-bag who is going to kill you, kidnap you, cop a feel on you, or all of the above. Every now and then, while reading the paper, I see a brief that says "Dude in car lurking around bus stops, asked girl for directions, girl ran away screaming". And that's legit. She should have, cuz that is what she was taught.

So my issue is that I don't want to be "that dude", which clearly I cannot be for the obvious reason (I am not a dude). But you get what I mean. As well intentioned as I am, and as honest and as gentle of a person as I am... it really doesn't matter when it comes to talking to kids. I mean yeah, I still talk to kids, and wave to them when I run by them during my training, and smile at them when I see them, or make funny faces at them while waiting in line at the store or out to eat.... but you never can know for sure when the kid will read into it the wrong way, or the parent will get pissed off at you, or any other number of things that might go wrong.

There are kids in my neighborhood that I don't know. I haven't introduced myself to them, yet. I will, and I think the best time to do that is when the parents are around. I have this image in my head, of me talking to some neighborhood kid, and a "concerned parent" seeing me out of their window across the street and becoming fearful.

It's fucked up that we live in a world that kids and parents (and humans in general) are taught to fear "strangers". People who are "different" than us, older or younger, darker or lighter, from nearby or across the pond... we've been blasted with messages of "stranger/danger", which yes, is true, sometimes... but what about the other times? What about the fun, genuine people, like me, who just want to try out your skateboard so I can decide 1. if I want a shortboard or a longboard. 2- if I can do a kick-flip.

I probably will hit up one of the neighborhood kids about their skateboard. Forget the culture of fear and perverts. I want to be real in my exchanges and interactions with people in my community, so I will.

As I reread this blog, I see how it sounds like I am afraid to just be me and afraid to talk to the kids in the neighborhood. That's not the case. I'm just disappointed that it's even an issue, that there are people in this world who are so messed up in the head, that they would take advantage of young minds and bodies. They ruin it for everyone.

I'm having a hard time articulating myself in this post, which is weird, cuz I love kids and I love to write. I'm not sure what the problem is, but I'm taking it as a sign to end this entry. I'll let you know when I get a skateboard. Until then...

I'm Alive!

I have been alive this whole time too.... My apologies for not writing.

This summer was one of the best summers yet! And for once...I realized it.

I often found myself saying, "damn, my life is SO good right now". I said this a lot...to others, to myself, in my journal, in my actions. Life is good.

What makes it good? Plenty of things. Probably the most important thing would be my friends/family. I was extremely active this summer, not only in the literal/physical way, but also much more intentionally social with folks. Banging.

School is school, and I'm taking my projects a bit more seriously this time around. I need/want to get them done ASAP.

Work is work... and I will write more on that later, when the time is right. :)

This morning (monday), I walked to the coffee shop (at the corner) to get a paper. I like doing crosswords on monday's, because it's the one day of the week that I have a chance at finishing them. Besides, I want to check out my horoscope to see if I like it or not. Anyhow, I went to the paper machine, put in 2 dimes and a nickel....and what did I get? NOTHING. No paper, no change back, nothing. I smiled, and walked back to my house, empty handed. "Must not have been a good horoscope then", I thought to myself.

Today I am going to edit photos from my cousin's wedding (a week and a half ago). I've got a new website, but it's still in the works. Stayed tuned.

I ran a race this weekend.... it was a small one, and not very competitive. That said, I placed 7th overall, and was the 2nd female finisher. This is a bit deceiving, because I am actually not fast at all... however, it's cool because with a 2nd place female finish (and 1st in my division), I win a prize. I don't know what the prize is, they are going to mail it to me... but I am hoping that it is cash.

I think one of the other big reasons my summer kicked ass is because I ran a lot. I ran gramma's half marathon in June. I ran a 193 mile relay race with 11 people I'd never met before in August, and now here I ran this 10k a couple days ago. Up next is the TC 10 mile (October 3). I'm still looking for a sponsor... I'm hoping costello's will pull through. Seems like good advertising to me... I'm going to be running past tens of thousands of spectators....and, since I'm not very fast... people will actually be able to read what my shirt/bra reads. We'll see.

It's beautiful outside. And I'm inside. Time to change that. I'll try and write more often as well. I think about stuff to write everyday, but I never seem to make the time to actually write it down. Lame. This will change.

-asha.

I'm a sucker for a cream based soup.

Here's the deal--

This is not going to turn into a food blog. I can promise you that. However, this morning, I got to thinking.... I am a sucker for a cream based soup.

This morning, my friend Keri called me to make plans for playing guitars later today. We've been practicing on our own for the last week or so, and are gonna hook up today and see how we sound. I'm excited. I hadn't played my guitar for so long before that. Anyhow, Keri called around 930, thinking I would still be asleep. Sorry friend, you were wrong. We made plans for later in the day, and then just chatted on the phone for a while. Keri mentioned something about having made hash browns for breakfast yesterday. Yum.... hash browns. I instantly got hungry for them.

I'm on a budget now (i.e. I'm pretty close to broke), so I couldn't just take myself out to eat.... which was of course my first choice. 2nd pick, walk to the co-op, which is half a mile away. As I left my apartment, I noticed my car... and I had to stop and give it some thought. I was super tired, and super hungry.... I could just drive to the co-op, or even drive somewhere else and get food. But I thought better of it.... I know I enjoy my little walks. Makes me feel accomplished in some weird way.

Anyhow, I got to the co-op and here's what I bought. Remember, I went for hash browns.

2 yellow squash.
2 zucchinis.
3 things of the best yogurt ever.
1 thing of raspberry jam
bulk items: granola, mixed nuts, sesame sticks
6 brown eggs
1 pack of string cheese
2 red plums
1 black plum
1 package of hash browns
1 sunday paper
1 package of extra firm tofu.

I came out pretty well, I think. I've usually got to go grocery shopping when I'm hungry...otherwise, I wont get much of anything.

Oh, and so the title of this blog... I can't forgot about that. So...as I'm walking through the aisles, picking random things, snacking on items that are clearly NOT labeled "sample", I come to the deli. I say hi to my friends mom who works there, and then start looking at the soups. "something or other chowder". Fuck.... I love me some chowder. For real. Clam chowder, corn chowder, chicken chowder....whatever, I love it. I opened the lid of the pot, and took in the aroma that was steaming out of the top. Yum. I put the lid back on, and just stood there. (i'm sorry for anyone who had to watch my dilemma). I though to myself, "Damn, I really want this soup, and it's ready right now, unlike these hash browns which will take a while to cook". But...I was here for the hash browns.... that's why I walked up there in the first place. I smelled the soup once more.... and kind of messed with the ladle that was in there. Ugh, I closed the lid and walked away, feeling salty (yes, pun intended.... i was at a grocery store after all).

I went home and started to cook my hash browns. I started snacking on the sesame sticks and string cheese while I waited. I sent a text to my neighbor, to see if she had some ketchup. By the time my hash browns finished cooking, I wasn't really hungry. I didn't get any ketchup either. I used hot sauce....which tasted better than any ketchup would have.

So here I am, on my couch, with a belly full of sesame sticks and hash browns. Oh, and some yogurt. "Breakfast" is my biggest meal of the day (ideally), so I went all out this morning. It's okay though.... because while I am stuffed and waiting for this food to digest (so I can go on a run before Keri and I hook up), I will do the sunday crossword puzzle.

Life is good.

-asha.

Things I love...

Every now and then, I like to make a list of things I love...as a reminder that I do love things, love life, love being present.

I thought about doing that today, but have opted to write more about who I am. This may include things I love. This may include weird character traits. I'm not sure. I haven't written it yet.

Definitions of ourselves should be fluid. What "defines" me today, may not tomorrow. Maybe it will, I don't know, and I don't like the idea of having to know.

I could do this as an "I am" poem, but those always end up being too fucking deep. I don't want deep. I want surface... at least initially for this task.

(is this a task? i don't know. not really, i don't think). I think I need some coffee. Or maybe some tea. Something to wake my ass up. My water bottle is the closest thing to me... so water it is.


About me.

Food/Drink:
-I like my water at room temperature.
-I like my diet coke from a can.
-I like my vodka sodas with 2 limes and 1 lemon.
-I like green peppers only when they are raw.
-But don't like yellow/red peppers raw.
-One of my favorite things is to watch cream and coffee mix. It reminds me of a bi-racial relationship.
-I love ice cream. I eat it whenever I can. Like this morning for example. But I had a banana with it, to make it seem more like "breakfast".
-I love meat. But I'm broke, so I don't buy much of it.
-I love to cook, but cooking for 1 person (myself) is boring, so I don't cook as often as I'd like.
-I don't like to eat leftovers...this is probably because I don't have a microwave.
-Things reheated that I enjoy: Pizza (in a frying pan), and chinese food (also in a frying pan).
-I like sugar free popsicles, not because I'm watching my weight, but because they taste good.


Sports:
-I played hockey for 12 years. I could have played (lower end) D1. I kind of wasted that opportunity/talent.
-I lost my skates, sometime after high school.... I borrowed some from a friends brother, and had to give them back this winter. Now, I have no skates.
-I love to fish. Is that a sport? It's on TV sometimes.... and they have fishing jerseys, so it must be a sport.
-Why aren't there any women who umpire professional baseball?
-I played softball from when I was a little kid (actually, I started out in baseball), through the 9th grade. My coach always thought I cheated when we had to run the big block (around central). I was just that fast.... (compared to some thick softball players, big deal). She turned me off of the sport. I played a bit on a co-ed team with some friends, but the guys did the typical guy thing, and would basically run the women down trying to catch balls that were clearly not in their side of the field.
-I've gotten back into running lately. Thank god. I was slacking, and needed to make a change.
-Today I signed up to be a mentor for boulder options (like big brothers big sisters, but focuses on running/cycling).
-A couple of winters, I decided I should be a long jumper (mostly because my legs are long). I trained for a month or two, and competed in an open race at the U. I didn't come in last place.


Music/Sound
-I love music. Lots of people say that, but I really do. I take pride in my music library. -Sometimes people have asked to get my whole library on their ipod. I say no. This makes me a hater, I know... but I just can't do it. My iTunes library is my baby. I'll make you a mix CD though, any day of the week.
-In my little apartment, I have 2 turntables, a guitar, 2 keyboards, a drum, and a trumpet. Believe it or not, I'm actually a pretty quiet neighbor.
-I used to have a "sound machine" that I'd put on when I slept. I'm letting a friend use it this summer, since I have a window fan going most nights.
-I want to learn how to read music. I'm not very disciplined when it comes to doing it though.
-One of my favorite things is to wear my big ass headphones at track meets. This is for 2 reasons... one, it prevents me from getting "spooked" when the gun goes off. and two, it's really amazing to listen to sigur ros type stuff while watching fast/intense running races...it's kind of surreal.
-I want to see stevie wonder play live. Ideally at First Ave (or my house, if he really wanted to).


School/Education.
-I've been in/out/around college for 8 years. I'm still working on my bachelor's degree. I'm annoyed.
-I think education outside of the classroom is equally (if not more so) important that "traditional" education. I wish more people thought that way.
-I want to be a high school english teacher. Or maybe a counselor. Or maybe a social worker. I don't really know what exactly, but I want to be in a position to use music/art/creative writing to -help youth work through their issues/concerns in positive ways.
-I still keep in touch with some of my teachers, one from almost 20 years ago.
-I collect books, many of them non-fiction. I want to have my own library (at my house). -Furthermore, when I have a question about something, I want to be able to look it up in a book, not on wikipedia.
-I like to write. I should do it more often. I should do a lot of things more often.


Other things:
-I love hooded sweatshirts, and wearing layers of clothes. I can't do this in the summer, so I wear what every other mid 20's girl is wearing right now.... knee length shorts. Sigh.
-I love old people. LOVE them.
-I have the soul of an old man.
-My grampa was my best friend. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you should know this.
-I am not a morning person, but I am trying hard to be.
-I have a lot of different friends, from all over the place....they are different colors, genders, orientations, classes, personalities, ages, etc. My friends are awesome.
-I'm liberal in my thinking, but get annoyed with liberals. I get annoyed with conservatives too... but at least conservatives are honest about being greedy.
-I love st paul. I'm a st paul kid. I may leave, travel, study, whatever, but my heart is in st paul.
-I love kids. They are inspiring, humbling, challenging, etc... I want more kids in my life (not my own kids--yet, but kids to hang out with for a couple hours, or a couple days... and when they get bratty, teach them a lesson first and then give them back to their parent/s.
-My couch is more comfortable than my bed. If you stay the night, and we are not sleeping together, don't be surprised if I take the couch.... and yes, I'm trying to be a good host and give you the bed.
-I might go to noon meditation downtown st paul today.
-I'm true to my word. If I make a promise, I will keep it. (the only time I will break it, is if someone's health/life is in danger.... and if that's the case, I will let you decide who needs to make it known).
-I love doing the NYT's crossword puzzle. When I complete them (it's only happened a handful of times), I hang them up on my fridge.
-On saturday I wore a little white dress for a bachelorette party. Monday I wore carhartt overalls and worked a construction job. Tuesday I wore a business suit. Not to brag, but I made all of them work.


That's probably it for now. I've clearly bored myself. More soon. Oh, and the following is a picture that kind of describes my summer so far.... music and dead flowers. Life is good.